Monday, December 20, 2010


It was a most restless night trying to capture the sandman and get the much needed rest that my body screamed for. My brain's hardrive decidedly took another active route that would not intersect with the sleep highway. With every toss and turn I could hear every little snap, crackle and pop of the house movement of its downtime. My dog sensed my restlessness and decided to join in all the night fun. The few minutes of drifted light sleep were filled with the constant questioning..."Is LOVE really in the air" or is it just another title to a pop song detailing the infatuation of a new romance.
Me, Myself and I always believed in infatuation but always skirted the issue of love as it seemed all to encompassing. I watched as all my friends moved in and out of unrequited scenarios and felt the pain caused to them by people who's intentions were not well suited to sustain the "LOVE" that infatuation color blinded.

The longer I live the clearer the message becomes about relationships. They are not for the weak of heart and the sensitive mind. If good and honest intention's are not a part of the whole puzzle then time will show you the way a duet will split into a solo performance. In anything that pertains to the importance in your life, the passion known as "LOVE" must exist in order to sustain the longevity of happiness.

I always prided myself on not being the man who got into the motion of commitment to "LOVE". When someone made their feelings known that was my ticket out the door toward the freedom I felt I badly needed. I was not going to be one of those people that I was aware of who suffered through the pain of a broken, uncontrolled coupling. Fear always won out on that issue of heartbreak as I had heard too many songs on its aftermath. Sitting on a bar stool begging someone to not play B17 on a jukebox or becoming the nightly sad Nome who stares at the blinking neon signs in a smokey bar had no appeal whatsoever. Nope..."LOVE" was not going to bite me in the ass and infect me with it's venom of joy. The side effects after were to great to take that risk.....or so....I thought.

I unknowingly submitted my resume the day I decided to break apart my repetitious life and ask the universe for huge changes. Those changes were needed in my search to find myself. I used the excuse time and again that there would be no one for me because I reached for an ideal that would be impossible to achieve. Unbeknownst to me and my repetitive bleating, it only encouraged its arrival. Taking its path right to my door, I opened it, invited it in and did not look back till I was in deep waters. The fight for control and having things go my way was all to reminiscent of being single. The behavior of many prior years had taken over and I was not letting go until I reached the point of no return. Silent in it's being and all to unconsciously disruptive, control will always lose out when humans and "LOVE" become united.

My newly acquired awareness of the "LOVE" word has definitely moved me to another plain on the life spectre. It definitely is not modeled after any one thing but is formed in different ways for every person who comes in contact with it. To feel it, is rare and addictive. Much like a drug but twice as habit forming. While I purport the phrase "better living through chemistry", the "LOVE" chemicals found in the human brain could never be duplicated in a laboratory otherwise the drug companies would really own the world as everyone would want the drug. They would then take the drug and feel the euphoria but never earn the lessons taught by years of communication and compromise. Tools that are profoundly needed to sustain "LOVE" of any kind for any person or in anything we do.

I can see the difference in everyone who feels some sort of happiness in a person or something that they truly love doing. Whether it is being together with someone or just devouring your life destiny, the joy in it always leads to happiness which is then subject to love.

If you awaken in the morning and love seeing the morning sunshine, that is "LOVE". If you love that morning brew of hot coffee, that is "LOVE". If you take that jog and you love the way it stimulates your physical being that is "LOVE". If you get that happy wagging tail and dog licks, that is overwhelming unconditional "LOVE".
These questions could go on and on. SO to end the blog with the answer to it's title,
YES love is in the air, it is in everything we love to do and feel. SO breathe it in deeply and with every waking hour make sure you release the air of "LOVE" back out for anyone to drift by and catch it's energy.

I'm still learning to feel it more everyday and have almost completely detached from the need to control. I am replacing my previous habit with a healthier addictive happiness drug.

My joy... is brings me a "LOVE" I never knew existed before....the power of the words is amazing.

Monday, December 13, 2010


As another birthday is rapidly fading into the end of another year, I have had 365 days of hope, desire, failure, disappointment and depression. There were those rare glimpses of happiness that I held on to and just kept moving. Many new branches have sprouted on my living tree yet while the leaves have fallen I know it will soon give way to the the spring of renewed hope and a new life direction. I will soon be digging up my roots and planting my living tree into new soil in a new life location.

For the in-between time I will rest comfortably in a temporary tree pot and take in the light that will feed me the photosynthesis that will sustain the changes that will soon occur. I have taken the time to look back and see what things have occurred during this past year and the grand finale that broke the damn and unleashed the flowing waters of the river of my life. I can't remember a year that has held so much longing and desire for changes. I wished on every star that I could see at night, and touched every piece of clover I could get my hands on and stared ever so intently at the rainbows that appeared in the rainy sky and hoped for my OZ to soon arrive. I would definitely have taken the yellow brick road and clicked my heels hoping to arrive back to an environment where some kind of peace was to be found.

Throughout most of this year I could not see out of the forest that restricted my view to the path towards the light. Day after day another tree would would be felled and I would step over its trunk and just keep moving. For every trail that came to an end, another would appear and I would walk its path still hoping for that junction where all the dead end trails would flow into one highway leading me to the next destination in my life.
My personal realities have overflowed in the cup marked half full and others were lost in the cup marked half empty. Still all in all there is another cup that is now filled to its brim with acceptance and forgiveness and is no longer tainted with the acrid taste of control or will take a pungent bite into the palate of my tomorrow. The horizon has begun its ascent and I am able to see a flicker of light that is blinking, much like a beacon that beckons me on to the new shoreline where I will soon leave my footprints in its sand.

There have been a lot of friends who have suffered with me in my painful attempts to reach out to the universe for answers. My conversations with these many people have been supportive in ways that held me together in the times when I needed them the most. My work provided me the opportunity to talk and vent my frustrations and realize my plight in life is not as bad as it could be in comparison to others.
If you truly believe that your life is a mess, just take the time to listen to others and you will find that your situation is minuscule and is never as bad as it could be.

In the wee early hours of the morning I let my dog outside and as I stood there waiting for her to finish, I glanced up at the sky looking for the moon and clear sky hoping that the sun was going to shine when it finally gave way to dawn. I turned in time to see this very bright star pop out in the southern most corner of the sky. The clouds moved past it and I wondered how many other people were looking at the same star that I gazed upon. Were others up at the same hour having some sort of distress that they could not wrap sleep around to choke off their anxiety or were they searching for the same answers to questions that tainted their happiness?

The light that had traveled many millions of years to reach my eyes held a multitude of answers within its glow. I realized that at that moment, no matter how long it takes to reach you the light will arrive. It's ray will surround the living tree and the light energy will make the branches reach for the sky. The strength of the tree's roots will hold you firmly to the ground. New adventures, like the new leaves of spring, will burst forth and then life will begin again. When the autumn comes, once again, exposing the cycle of life endings and a treasure map of new beginnings.

I recommend watering your living tree daily with the knowledge of who you really are and the person that, one day, you hope to become. Your branches will support you in anything you deign to become.

Reminder: If you happen to pass me on the highway toward my new destination, please try not to get too distacted by the huge living tree in the trailer behind me, damn thing follows me wherever I go................

Saturday, November 20, 2010


Lately I have been looking deep into the deepest corners of my mind and pulling out the files that have been long overdue to be thrown away. This particular cabinet was completely stocked with old mind written information that pertained to the cases of control that were always fought and constantly lost in the court of personal identity. Inside those rusty file drawers laid the crux of my present demise. The more files I pulled out, the more apparent it was that I have been stuck in the window seat and unable to get access to the aisle for my escape. That particular seat did not have the view that most people hope to see when gaining altitude.
I always liked the emergency exit row as it was my saving grace whenever I was ready to flee the scene of some disjointed scenario that did not go my way. It spilled over into any present activity and I always waited near any exit door to rush quickly out and regain my freedom and my disillusioned security that was really never there.

Things and situations, lately, have come to my attention by having opened that file cabinet. I am now in search of that shredder that will tear apart the paper trail toward the control route. That trail of disrepair can no longer be followed due to it's physical distress and unsteady ground. The first drawer of yellow dogeared files have been destroyed leaving behind a void that is resonating with plenty of uncertainty. It has been a most arduous and very present awareness that has to be focused on daily. The same life things still arrive just testing me to unlock that emergency door and the temptation to flee never leaves my mind. I resist, persist and move on without giving in to my persuasive subconscious mind which is intent on moving me to old habits.

Having the sense to know when to quit is my strength. My future seems hauntingly dismal, yet that fact does not distract me from yearning for the time when I get to rebuild the "better me". I will probably walk away with nothing but many voids to fill yet my respect and dignity will show me the way toward the amazing reality of knowing myself as I never have before. For the first time in my life I am really ready to like who I am. There have been certain things that I had lost in the space of time and now they have been found when going through those lost file. Who I am going to become when the last of those old files are fragmented into indiscernible specks, will still remain to be seen.

There is an underlying excitement that peeks out at me from time to time and makes me more aware that I am following exactly what has been planned. Learning to release the control issues will hopefully allow the natural flow of universal energy to move through me once more. There are times when we all get lost on the trails of life. We walk the paths that we feel we need to go down when making decisions and choices. The theory is to never lose yourself when traveling those roads yet we all lose certain parts. Inside the core person that is ME there are a few things that need to be reborn and renewed. I am now ready to put those missing parts back where they belong and feel the presence of who I once knew.

The endurance of dear friends have helped me throughout this metamorphosis. I once believed it could never get worse than the first time when I experienced pains of uncontrolled and unhappy endings, yet this will rate a ten on the scale of emotional anguish. When you add the second guessing game into the picture and the mountain of ambiguity it does not end with a solid finale. How I plan to take the next step is still being decided upon. I will now rest assured that my future does not have to need a furtive plan, it just needs faith that I will be going to where I need to be and the rest will come along when the timing is right.

I have spoken about the joy stick of control that rests no more within my reach, and I don't intend to ever reach for it again. If my strength can hold out and my resistance remains intact, then I will find the person that once was and the adjustments will add to the happiness I seek just around the corner. Chances are I may have do it alone, but then again the distractions will never be the issue when an emergency exit is needed.

Once the exit door is firmly locked and my eyes are on the target then my wings will fly me to where I need to be and the landing gear will set me down on the runway of my future.

How I secure it ..................well, I will just have to wait and see............

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Whenever I sit down and start to write I have ten million receptors going off inside my head and all of them have a story that wants to be written. It is confusing to try and place the words in an order that would appeal to any reader and at least capture their attention enough to complete the story. Within each of us there is a story to tell that would keep any one's interest when shared with the reader who relates to it. I find that each day that I sit and write, another part of me gets rediscovered. To find oneself is the key to living, it's how we live that defines our life. Waking up to discover that the path that you have been traveling is of a dead end, suddenly a signal appears to turn into a new direction. When traveling along your choice of road remember to pay attention to the silent conversations that are in the wind that blow through your mind's open window.

I recall many of those conversations, all of them totally within the confines of my mind. They quietly adjusted my destiny and shaped the mixed up crazy person that I am today. It takes courage to listen to them but I can tell you, they will save your life, time and time again. I somehow lost the connection to them a while ago, but I have regained some composure and have intercepted the signal once again. This leads me to believe that universal messages that were so undeliverable are now being forwarded at an alarming rate. I have begun to realign myself and put away the joy stick of control. I never could adapt to that damn thing anyway.

As the fall drops its rain water and sheds its leaves, I am faced with another reminder that change is upon us. I still want to travel back to my youth and be giddy knowing that the holidays are quickly approaching and that also meant that another birthday would be just around the corner. The youthful birthdays were joyous occasions as it was all about the gifts and parties. Now it seems that mum is the word and nary a mention of the chronological age number. Would I want to go feel no responsibility and to just revel in the innocence of the unknown. The early signs of awareness became the enlightenment of each new day. I remember the conversations of the teachers who stood in the classrooms and talked endlessly about things that we did not really want to know about. many times I was shaken back into reality as those silent conversations in the wind transported me to another dimension. I listened intently and discovered their realities later in life. That voice that talked to me was my life's intuition and was responding to my call to destiny. Whether it rang clearly to me from a played 45rpm record or arriving in a daydream, the words spoke of clarity and I listened to my pied piper.

We all must follow our suite of songs and wear our coat of armour to protect from the batterings of being human. If you take the fall at least the coat will protect you from unwanted bruising of the heart. It will be from the original table of contents that you will be able to begin your next chapter in the book of your life.

The words on the paper will serve as the reminder of those passing conversations that blew through the windows of your mind. With each gust of wind it filled the sail that brought you to the arrival of your DESTINATION. That word which fully explains...........D E S T I N Y.
How you communicate......well,...that will deliver the conversations that will be heard in the wind.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


"Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars" Those lyrics resound loudly in my "mind of "MyTunes". I stepped outside this morning and looked upward to a still and dark sky as the sun had not began its ascent toward morning light. At a time of the year when the breaking of morning comes fairly late, I was overwhelmed at all the stars that were there for my viewing pleasure. Considering the fact that the NW rain showers have been sneaking in frequently, it was a gift to see such clear skies and feel that unusually warm morning breeze. As I stood there gazing upward in my solitude, my dog wandered out on the deck and also glanced upward, at that time we both witnessed a bright shooting star that made a long presence on that starry early morning sky. I was pleasantly surprised at how long it showed its lighted path to the somewhere we always wonder about. I could not help but think of all the times I have had the rare pleasure of seeing that amazing streak of heavenly activity, pass before my eyes. Each one that crossed my visual path over the years took with it a wish and a hope that all might come true by sending the wishful thought as a companion to travel with it's destination. Each of us, I believe, has a star that is specifically our own. Whether we can see it or not, it is out there, shining it's light on us and most of the time we don't even know it.

While we take for granted that the sun will rise tomorrow and the stars will be in the sky at night, the absolute truth is that nothing should just be assumed until it makes it's entrance into the present. There is a peaceful feeling in knowing the chain of events that will take place from day to day, yet that one unassumed situation comes from out of nowhere puts you in a tailspin causing your private flight to be disrupted and cancelled. My "on time" flights have recently been discontinued due to technical difficulties, but are still on the delayed flight schedule till further notice. I must admit that my own selfish summations have created the disruptive service on the flight agenda. Taking a long look in that sky this morning has renewed my hope that the repairs are being done in a timely manner and soon the mental tower will give a "go ahead" call and then my plane will taxi toward the runway on it's way to an "on time" arrival to wherever.

I wonder how many people this morning, at the same time, saw that burning shooting star. Did it burn out and die or did it streak onward to infinity? Ah...those questions with no definite answers are mind boggling. It seems lately that I have a much firmer understanding to let go of having to have all the answers at once. While putting it into motion has been taken with small insecure steps, I can now begin to remove the attempts of always trying to be in control and just take it one minute at a time. At this stage of the process that is the best that I can do.

As the sun makes its entrance into the day I can see the light beaming off the autumn leaves and exposing their last russet moments before they fall to the ground to start the process of renewal again. I would like to believe that at this time my fall is preparing me for the renewal that will come my way soon.

I will now make another attempt to walk through another day and I will cross off another item on my list in preparation for my trip to the moon. That chance glance into the early morning sky will be with me all day. That rare moment that suddenly appeared will be indelibly inked in my mind and the memory will light my way when I least expect it to. Like the light from the moon illuminates the darkness, I realize the power that hangs above in the night sky. It can move mountains with its energy, pull the tides to and from the sea and make rivers suddenly run dry. Yet in all matters human I have to remember there is something else divinely in charge.

My visual flight to the moon this early morning opened my eyes a little further toward my destiny just around the corner.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


Outside my door the leaves are falling and soon the rains will come. Like the lyrics in a song I sit and wait for the repeated refrain to bring forth the next few months of nights and a year of days. As the world spins toward the ending of another year, it becomes all to apparent that the time is near to cut the ties that bind and look for a more simpler living environment. The race to be on top has just about reached it's finale, which makes the picture even more clearer as to what must begin to happen next. You would think that maturity would make the process of change... a little easier.... yet it does not.
I look around at the things that must begin to set the swing of motion into progress but fear and unnecessary trepidation stifle any body movement toward action. I seem to feel the need to have a written itinerary to follow but I know very well that will not be the case. So I ask myself everyday "What do I start to do to make the change happen" and so far I have had no bell go off signaling the start for the race of life changes. At times I still feel I am at the starting line in a crouched position, frozen, unable to move as the direction in which to run seems all clouded and the goal post is in a fog. It is a most despicable feeling and one that I am growing tired of feeling. It seems that I am not alone in having these emotions. Some professionals that I have spoken to have categorized the fear(s) as "letting go". Clinging to every object, emotion, and past memory is what will truly prevent my need for the life change that is needed, unless I cut the ribbons that tie the whole spectrum together. My scissors are dull at this moment and the ribbons just fold over the blades instead of actually cutting them into them.

Each night I sleep and in my dreams there lies more angst and I find myself in a subconscious state running toward something that I can't seem to find. I can remember dream scenarios that point to all sorts of interpretive objects, yet I awake recalling them and just add them to the other pieces of the puzzle that still lie on my table of awareness, all unconnected. I am frantically searching for the border pieces and want to fill in the rest of the picture quickly, with hope that the overall picture viewing will bring about the answers that are so lacking at the present time. In actuality though, I will never really "know" what to expect until I cross over the starting line, as the rest of the answers will fall into place as they have throughout the rest of my past living experiences. Believing in yourself and keeping a focus will keep the solid ground footing that is needed in times of change. I recall a lot of the changes from before and my truths of those changes create the atmosphere of uncertainty in not wanting to repeat any of the "lessons learned". Age does grant the wisdom to think first, but too much mental analyzing will shut the whole change process down. It's nature's heart way of sparing you the emotional pain of what the subconscious brain is requesting you to do. I have to keep the faith that I am paying attention to all my surroundings and let the trip unfold as it may. Stressing about it all will never change the final outcome.

Fate has a funny way of appearing when you least expect it to. I have embraced it so many times in my life and have not had one regret in doing so. Yes, there were many moments of being scared that I had made wrong choices. Conclusions of those choices have made me realize that NO choice is a bad one. The "good or bad" choices leave you with knowledge that appeared quietly from each of those experiences. I always walked away with much more than I was previously aware of. How I use that knowledge in my future choices should not be the scapegoat that prevents me from doing something that I innately know is the right path to walk down. Look forward to the new life knowledge that will come from changes in the subconscious and what it is offering you to do.
Fate, to me, is the subconscious receiver that we all have and is defined as INSTINCT. All living animals and mammals use it. The noise and life distractions will stop you from focusing into it. The truth about instinct is that it will never let you down. It is your protective shroud that will always keep you safe in awareness of any given situation.

I took myself clear across the United States, following the instructions that my fate had left for me to read, and was totally unprepared for my new found directions. The agonizing months and years of trusting my "INSTINCT" was very hard. In retrospect, it was only hard when I held on to the moments of thinking that I had made a "wrong choice". In reality, I had completed exactly what I innately knew was necessary to do in furthering my life plan. I put up a fight for no reason except to hold on to a tie that would bind me to my past that held no future unless I let it go and cut my ribbon from my past offering of fate. It is much harder to make that cut than one would think. It is the thinking too much that allows the insecurities and the second fearful guessing to arrive.
Trying to stay centered was the roughest ride that I had to take. Life pummelled me from all sides and the influences of people who cared tugged at my heart endlessly. I painfully moved around the emotion tied to my heart strings and then sensed the innate direction of my INSTINCT that was mixed within all the chaos outside my body.

All I can tell you is that the faith in yourself will deliver the goal post and you will have your fateful touchdown and will have achieved the crossing of the goal line. After that, you will turn around and look at the long field that you had to run down. It took a lot of tumbles and penalties to get there but crossing the fate line was pure joy.

SO ...begin to revel in your accomplishments and be happy knowing that soon.... just around the corner...there will be another gust of wind brought about from a stormy hopeful dream. Then the air will fill the sail on your life ship..... and move you to another chosen direction of your choice just like it did to me.

"I, how my life might have been, had I not...cast my fate to the wind"

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


She was the last client of the Christmas holiday rush and she handed me an enveloped gift card. I thanked her graciously for the thoughtful gesture and laid it aside with all the seasonal gifts that wonderful people had given to me, in loving thanks for work that I had done for them over the year. With such a heavy workload and my body extremely tired from all the energy that had been drained from me, I packed up my holiday loot and made my way home to turn off any signs that displayed the arrival of Christmas morning the next day.
Dealing with all the holiday work that is bestowed upon me is physically and emotionally draining. It is however an appreciated profitable and a very thankful time. The thought of a quiet peaceful evening at home with the pups and a cocktail seemed just right to ring in the holidays with silence and no chaos abounding.

I have always had such a time with the holidays of Christmas and it seemed that particular year was even harder than usual. My complaining never ended about all the hoopla surrounding its "seasonal" effectiveness. I just wanted to hide my head in the sand until the new year presented itself. My focus at that time was how to distance myself from the rainy grey days of winter and relocate where the sun would never set and warm me from the inside out. As the evening wore on and my body regenerated itself with the help of my libations, I took the time to peruse through all the gifts that I brought home with me. With the help of my dogs we managed to tear through all the paper and open all the boxes together, even finding dog treats that had been given to them for their holiday treat. I was knee deep in gift wrap paper and decided to clean it up before bed so I set my motion in action and just as I was picking up the last of the paper, the "Gift Card" dropped from the last pile that I was about to put in the trash bag. I had forgotten about that and was glad that I did not accidentally throw it away. I set it aside and picked up the last of the mess and left the envelope lying on the table and proceeded to bed.

The next day I avoided the phone and kept myself scarce. I pretended to not notice the Christmas feeling that filled the air and the lack of noise from no traffic whizzing by. It was a chilly morning and we all took a long dog walk to stave off the holiday blues. It was going to be a long three day holiday and enduring it all was to become a challenge that I had to win. We arrived back home and I quickly made some hot tea to heat the cold that surrounded my body from the brisk wind that followed us everywhere we walked. I quickly made my place on the sofa, under the warm blanket, and was ready to take my first sip when the cup slipped from my hand, hit the table and spilled, wetting everything in its path to the floor. My vocabulary exuded many four letter words as I mopped up the mess that laid before me.
I once again reheated more water for tea and took another try at getting warm. I made my way, once again, back to the sofa to snuggle under the warm blanket. I was doing pretty well until I stepped on the wet envelope in front of the sofa that held the "GIFT CARD" that was now soaking wet from the previous spillage of tea. I had missed that completely from the last clean up and picked it up and laid it out on the kitchen counter to dry, hoping the contents were not ruined since I had yet to open it.

I had been given a movie to watch and was anxious to view it as that was to be my holiday highlight for the moment. I had finally settled in for the warmth that eluded me for those last thirty minutes. As the story unfolded on the screen, within my little world, I got taken away with the story and all it's characters that seemed so real. They all lived in a place where each took great care to reach out for one another. It was both moving and seemingly surreal. After its finale I could not help myself to start it over and watch it again. The damp cold gray skies had settled in and the clouds began unleashing more of their liquid as I huddled deeper into my couch cocoon. The viewing process repeated once more as I made mental notes on the songs that were being played throughout the movie. During the rest of the day I continued to think about the story and how magical it all seemed. Love stories always held a special place inside me and this story took away the holiday blues. I was taken with both of the "male" lead roles and was particularly drawn to the role of "Dean" mostly because of his name and his honesty about who he really was. Getting up from that lounging arena I made my way to the kitchen to make myself some "Christmas dinner" and pondered the movie inside my head as I put a meal together.

As soft music played I ate and stared out the window contemplating another "warm sunny" fantasy. I had not noticed that I had set my dinner plate on top of the still wet envelope that held the "GIFT CARD". I finished eating and as I made my way to the sink to rinse the plate off The force of the water released the envelope that was stuck to the bottom and it dropped into the sink, once again getting drenched with more water. I quickly retrieved it and carefully dabbed as much of the water I could get off it and laid it out for the second time to dry. I still had not opened it thinking that I would wait till it dried so that I would not tear it apart, since it was so wet. I began to realize that it was not to be for me and that "GIFT CARD" as too many disasters had already occurred.

The next morning it was still a little damp and had started to warp a bit so I put it in a book to flatten it. I knew that when I opened it after it was dry that it would then not tear to pieces. I hoped that what remained inside would still be intact. As they say out of site is truly out of mind. Forgetting completely that inside that book laid the unopened envelope, I absent mindedly put the book back in the shelf from where it was previously stored. I had hurriedly cleaned up for pending guests that were planning to stop by. So once again the sweet present had another fate delivered upon it.

Three months later I had completely packed up my belongings and moved to another home. I still had no recollection about the hidden envelope that I had filed away. It was so amazing to realize that when I packed all those books that nothing came to the forefront to remind me of its existence. Surrounded by many moving boxes I took my time in unpacking and soon the season of spring was knocking on my door once again. On this one particular day the client that gave me the "GIFT CARD" had been scheduled on my books to visit me and as she was conversing with me she mentioned the envelope and wondered if I had used it contents yet. I looked at her quizzically and had no cognisant idea of what she was talking about but did not want to let her know that I had forgotten about what she spoke about, so I politely told her "not yet", but was planning to do that on the weekend. It would haunt me all day as to what she was talking about as I could not even think of that one thing that I had missed. The conclusive evidence would soon reappear reminding me of what she asked about that day.

Taking a most concerted effort to remove the last of the moving boxes I took that next weekend and emptied the last of the books from those boxes. I was just about done and as I was ready to fill the last top shelf with the remaining books, two of the books slipped from my hands and fell to the floor. One of the books which fell held the enveloped "GIFT CARD" which was sent swirling across the wood floor. Instantly I remembered what I had done by putting it inside that particular book to keep it together. Smiling and glad to know that I had found it, I picked it up off the floor and finally opened it. The ink from the card had blurred a bit , but was still pretty legible, and it held inside the card a "GIFT CARD" for a thirty day membership to an Internet dating service called "MATCH.COM". I have to say that I was totally underwhelmed and had a bit of trepidation thinking that it would be a department store gift card. OH was a kind gesture and one that I would probably never use so I put it aside on my desk and completed the last of the boxes.
Most everyday that I sat at that desk doing work, I would casually glance at that card and just give it a shrug and move on to other things. After a couple of weeks and a few cocktails I decided to take the plunge, and since my inebriated state took my guard down, I cashed it in on the Internet and proceeded to fill out my profile and all the things needed to use the card correctly. COUNTDOWN........tick-tock towards the thirty days expiration period. What had I done would remain to be seen.

The next several days were spent reading the most unusual and provocative profiles, none of which, at that time seemed similar to my tastes. Their explanations of the information contained left me feeling as if I would be another conquest in their books of dates gone by. I was getting the idea that this "Internet dating" thing was not for me. That would definitely prove itself to be true in more ways than one.
I took my time in reading many of the listings and decided on five people that I would respond to. I was beginning to get emails from people who had recently read my profile and that gave me an ego boost until I realized that they were the "Internet Vultures" just waiting for a newbie to bite into. I began noticing a pattern of repeat performances as they forgot that they had already written before and changed their responses allowing me to see their lack of honesty. Some of the responses were so suggestive that I even blushed while reading the emails.
The so called "GIFT CARD" had brought with it more that I ever expected.
Four of the five choices that I responded to proved to be entertaining, at the least. They provided the usual "dating" routine of dinner and a movie or coffee and brunch and each would wind up with so much sexual innuendo that my taste for any future dates with them was quickly evaporating. I am nor have ever thought of myself as prudish but for gosh sakes the questions asked of me even made me feel uneasy. The Internet dating had proven to be a hook-up haven for the sexually frustrated people who really have no desire for the "relationship" that the site proposed to provide for it's members.
The "GIFT CARD" did deliver four experiences which quenched my interest for cyberspace meetings. The fifth never responded and I decidedly had a happy thought that I would not have to endure another night of fifty questions about my life, anatomy and sexual preferences. UGH!!!!! With that awareness the expiration of the "CARD" finished it's thirty day trial run, but not before I was bombarded with requests for more meetings and to renew the membership with all it's "wonderful services". N O T ..... I was through with that business and finally got the message that bachelorhood was my role in life and I intended to play it out without the fifty question human.

The "GIFT CARD" was honestly used and I thanked her for giving it to me and did not offer any further details on the outcome of cashing it in. I misplaced the actual card and was not disappointed with it's disappearance but once again it was out of site and really out of my mind. As if it had a life of it's own it reappeared about seven weeks later while cleaning the office area. I found it appalling that it had not been lost and laid it once again on my desk to remind myself to throw it away later.
It was on that same Sunday that I was busying myself and decided to take a break and check for emails. Within that batch of emails was a response from the dating service that someone had written back that I wrote to earlier. Here it was seven weeks later, so I half heartily opened the email and read it's text. It was a response from the fifth and last person from that trial period. He had explained the delay in getting back to me and was letting me know of his dissatisfaction with the site and the people responses and had not checked his inbox for quite a while, but recently found my email and it sounded interesting so he took the time to write.
I glanced over at that damn "GIFT CARD" which laid within my view. It's little plastic aura was still giving off energy even though it was terminated. Thinking that I would not hear back at all I flippantly responded and left my phone number and wrote that it was a miserable experience for me also and not one that I wanted to revisit anytime soon, but if you were truly different and did not give off innuendo's, then perhaps a chance meeting would work.

As the sun rises today, the morning light shed's its ray's through the bedroom window and casts a glow on a sleeping person in bed. The "GIFT CARD" delivered it's magical essence and almost eight years later that very person is still around. The universe answered the call and delivered my request.

I was totally unprepared for it's response and had no experience in the relationship department. Being together is still a work in progress. The future is being honed by the past and now communication gets a daily update.

You know...come to think of it, I never did find any written disclosure's listed on the back of that "GIFT CARD"

It must have been inserted into the fine print on the envelope that was blurred from being wet so many times. It's clairity of the words finely printed, would become clearer over the years though and would be read as the "RELATIONSHIP DISCLOSURE".

Friday, October 8, 2010


I laid in bed in the early hours of morning, before the break of dawn, and heard the stirring of my dog as she prepared to come to the side of he bed to let me know it was time to get up. With the first eye opening the floodgates of thoughts were unleashed and the bevy of stored thoughts began their entrance into the now of the day. As I made my way out of the bed I acknowledged the pattern of events as they have unfolded time after time and morning after morning. It was amazing how the chain of events must unfold in order to prepare for the arrival of the new day. I quickly became aware of how necessary it was to have the morning duties go in a specific order that my dog has learned. If one thing was to early then she seemed out of sorts and when the proper chain of events connected again her reactions were normal. As I stood there feeding her I wondered just how patterned we humans have all have become and how many of us just silently hate the rituals that we have created for ourselves.

In my life there are many things that seem to repeat in a day. Depending on the chain of events in any given day, how mundane the repeat action is, can be either irritating, unnoticed or overwhelming. Lately the realization that present life is repeating to many things has become an awareness that now has to be dealt with. It is easy to look over the fence and see that the other mans grass is greener and read the trashiest of movie magazines and envy the rich and famous, yet we forget how the others are still prone to the same repeat processes that probably drive them just as crazy as the simple folk.
I recall earlier times when I would be aware that certain patterns were beginning to occur but my youth and impatience would not allow that to happen and I would purposely destroy the repeats and start down another trail, yet the same results would occur and in time the new paths of repeats would have the same ending. It seems now that I am in the autumn of my life, the patterns, at times, feel almost comfortable yet resentful. The irritation at what has occurred during the realization process, only reminds you that it is time to inspire yourself and take the next fork in the road of life. I am certain that as we age the ease of patterns is nice but you know it is just the insecurity of taking that next risk. Finding out what lurks down the new road is what gives you the uneasiness. When we are young it was the same but the distractions glossed over the fears that still were there.

In the past few months, I had been sending out a telepathic message to anyone listening that my MUNDANE, REPETITIVE, life sucked big and I wanted out to start over. The grass I saw ahead was greener than ever and the new pastures that I wished to graze in were sweet smelling and full of untarnished color. I just needed something to come in and break apart the spell of patterns that I had worked so hard to make uniform in my present life. Somehow I lost the NOW and wanted FUTURE ...ASAP
The patterns of my life continued and I began to hunger for what was not even formulated yet and I began to drift away from the present moment and fantasize about what was yet to be. Having to pull myself back into a reality that seemed to never go away, I walked my daily paths with the same results, albeit, the road heavily traveled.
My salvation would be the mind filled walks to and from work. It was at those times that I could unlock my secret door to all the things I would have to plan when I started down my newly laid road. Those thoughts felt so warm and inviting. The yearning slowly crept in and added another silent pattern of behavior to the list that had to be completed daily. This was unrecognized as it was the sheep in wolf's clothing, and once again, it's distraction, led me away from the NOW of the present.

I seemed to have forgotten about the last time that I decided to smash apart my life. It was an experience I certainly did not want to duplicate again. I had concurred with myself to never do that again and if I should, I would reap the benefits of experience and think more clearly when starting down the new road.
I swear that I had my thoughts together and was very aware of what I needed,.....or thought it was a need. Big difference between a want and a need.

Just like the unwanted surprise guest that arrives at your door unexpectedly, my doorbell had been rung and on the other side of that door stood the twins known as "RISK and CHANCE". The dynamic duo were oh so handsome and appealing from afar and when invited to "come in" to my world, they brought with them devious underlying realities of truths unrecognized at the present time. No matter how prepared you think you are, a lot of things get left out of the mix. My signal was received and the lines had been crossed and now I had to pony up my courage to enforce it all. Instead I continued to stand on the ground, firmly, and feared any movement that could eventually change all that I knew as a patterned lifestyle. The pendulum had begun its swing and I was falling apart from within. The fear of the change that I had asked for spread through me like a wildfire and it seemed my days of complacency were numbered. The reaction from me was astounding and reverberated throughout my entire being. I had to regain control and center myself back into the present to reevaluate the importance of the issues at hand.

The massive amount of information that had to be fact checked laid in a heap on the desk of "NOW". Recoiling from my new found "DUO" friends, I began to reassess in descending order, the important things that needed to be addressed first and foremost.
I took a look at what was slipping away and pulled myself back in time to think in a more derisive way and get a grasp on what the issues were really about.
The boredom derived from those repeated patterns fueled the flames of change. I had allowed boredom to take over and brew the pot of disillusionment and unhappiness. Now I had to drink the facts and acknowledge my "real" truths as to why I needed the visit from my new found friends "RISK and CHANCE". The answers lie within me and now I see that my grass is really greener, as that is where I am in the present.

As for "RISK and CHANCE" they are still visiting and we are conversing daily and actually getting a lot figured out.
As a matter of fact I think I maybe developing a love for the both of them.
They made me see the light that shined from within and the rays guided me back to where I am supposed to be.........I'm figuring out my future.....
At this present time.......anyway.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


It had been a particular arduous week with work and added stresses that kept appearing from day to day. I began feeling, towards the latter part of the week, like I was in some kind of pressurized balloon tent. With every waking conscious moment I kept feeling more restricted and confined to have to bear the mounting drama's that kept delivering their scripts for me to read. It was most important, at least for this week, to not run to the "DOLL" cabinet for any chemical to alter the stress, as I wanted to proceed and try and figure this out without the use of extra dopamine.
As I put the key in the door to lock my workweek away I felt the warm sunshine of the late day as it penetrated my skin and I thanked the weather girls for delivering such nice warm weather. I made my way towards the road to begin my walk home hoping very much to walk off the burdens that so plagued me during the week. I found my ear phones and plugged them in to my IPod and wonderfully the music came and began to soothe my ravaged soul. As the shuffled music found its first song, I suddenly had a moment of glee at hearing such an "old friend" sing a long ago favorite that magically transported me away from all the cares and stresses of the week.
Suddenly I was no longer a 57 year old man but began feelings of the 15 year old teenager who had nothing to fear except getting where he thought he needed to be and who would take him there. NO job worries, no mortgage payments or credit card access, just the feeling that there would be another school day and hopefully a little cash that could provide the simplest of desire. The emotions rained upon me as if these last forty two years had never happened and the music ignited the fire's of hope for the tomorrows that did arrive. I had truly forgotten how to feel that hope which seemed so elusive at that time when my youth had the petulant desire to hurry up and get there as I knew I was missing something.

As my music played on in the reality world I drifted further into my past music file and pulled out more details of life from that time. As the tune continued to melodically weave it's spell over me, I went in for a closer look to see where I may have gone wrong in the grand scheme of life and moved around the memories hoping to find my way back to the peacefulness which sweetly surrounded me at that present time. The tears that had been on the brink of falling for days began their descent down my aged face and wet my cheeks. The flood gates of withheld water had burst and in sync with every beat of that wonderful song, tears dripped from my face onto the ground.
Into the world of make believe I had walked and I never wanted to come back as it felt safe and easy. I did not want to exit as the entrance was grand and exhilarating. Emotions were rare and hard to find in the land of my reality. Make believe felt as comfortable as the big T-shirt and cut off shorts that existed within my make believe world. I thanked God for the auto-repeat button on the IPod as my fantasy continued to surround me as I moved down the road with no present consciousness. How did those memory bites unleash those tones of past feelings and realities that were now recognized as sheer delight? Why does the past feel safer than the present? Last but not least the ultimate of all those questions is "What the hell happened along the way" to bring me to where I am today.
The complete book volumes of past realities would probably never answer those questions as they were being printed during the present reality of the actual moments being played out. SO now we just visit that library of the past life books in hope that the memory will give way to the many questions that are created by choices we made during the process called "Life".
I have absolutely no recollection of how I arrived at my home destination as my fifteen minutes into the looking glass was dispelled with the first noticed crunch of the gravel as I made my way back to the present reality called home. As I trudged slowly up the path I looked around and viewed the early signs that fall was approaching and soon the leaves would fall. Colors were beginning their changes on the trees and around the yard laid the early fallen leaves. I took a deep breath and wanted back in the looking glass to view the fall's of my past yet my present moment gave way to the vision I saw spreading before me. It stalled my movement and I stared into my spatial reality and acknowledged that this moment would one day be recognized as easily as my youthful memories. Going back to the past will always confirm that I did go forward and made progress despite those times of weighted life issues.
I think it is important to revisit the areas from where you came from but the most important thing is to recognize your present situation. While we often will want to change the past because it "felt better" the fact remains that even in those yesterdays there were problems that seemed almost impossible to overcome. Time has erased those thoughts leaving only the happy times to smile about. It's tricky to be lured in so easily by a melody that warms your heart with so much memorable attachment, yet I have realized that even though that melody played early in my life and swelled me with joy, that same melody is being played in my present day and I am grateful to attach newer memories with the old and now I get to play it on the stereo called experience.

I do so enjoy my visits into the land of make believe.
Everything is "La Vie En Rose", yet always upon my exits.....
my skies always seem bluer..... and I know that by remembering the past I must feel joy that at my age I am still able to recall most everything that made my journey to the NOW a most precious reality.

I recommend a visit every now and then, you will get reacquainted with the NOW of YOU.

Friday, September 24, 2010


I had begun asking the universe months ago to move me towards a new life direction and to deliver me from the dregs of debt and responsibility that I so conveniently created for myself. It was imperative everyday that I took the time to meditate on that issue and was as impatient as a kid on Christmas eve. I asked myself if I took the time to sit and patiently think about what I wanted to come my way why the hell isn't it delivering in a faster speed. As is the usual way for me to want it yesterday and all signed, sealed and delivered, I was starting to believe that the lines of universal contact were being held up by the miscommunication from my mind hard drive of overwhelming pleas of peace. Each day that passed without any deliverance I seemed more intent on adding a few more silent moment universal thoughts and kept adding more to the list and so arrogantly expected the answers on my time scale. In every conversation that my friends had to endure, I pleaded my misery over and over again, hoping to gain support for the spinning fantasy that I had ballooned beyond my initial call for help. It was not enough to impale my contorted vision of "unrequited peace" to anyone who asked, I soon began to hear myself speak of the misery that I had so surreptitiously needed to surrender to any waiting ear that asked how I was doing.

These kind of secret desires do nothing for a relationship when you are totally on separate spheres of mind control. I could not find any positive attributes that existed within the arena of life that I shared. People have an amazing ability to disassociate from current facts at hand and were revered through my eyes as a complete denial of my realities, that I needed to be changed in order to procure a more modest, less complicated life, and free of all that I had previously conjured up as necessary at that time of thought inception.
Where my logical mind went to is still a question that has not been answered as of yet, but disappear, it did. How in the world I could not see what I was unconsciously doing is beyond my own rational thinking. I was sending out SOS help into the universe and had not given any thought as to what would happen should the call be answered. A total slip of the facts at hand made for unrecognized answers that I had not brought forth just yet.

I took my faith seriously that something soon was about to happen and I was awaiting a phone call from the universal telephone company letting me know when that would happen. As if sitting and waiting for any kind of phone call is not annoying enough now I would have to learn how to let the natural flow of things take its course and happen when it all aligns. In any life scenario the patience factor is a most elusive attribute and my attribute cup was very empty when it came to patience.
I remember walking to work one morning very recently and I began to hear the chime off in the distance of my mind telling be that my request was being processed and I would be hearing back from the "Change Department" soon. I kept that silent ringing of the chime hidden away from all as it would only lead to them fearing more that I was teetering off into loonydom yet I knew instinctively that something was pending.

When things began to move forward my superciliousness took over and I waltzed through the tune of ambiguity, with what appeared to me as nonchalant, but was sending fear reverberation throughout my entire being. Now was the time to face up to all the things that seemed so necessary to change.
Those uncertain hopes were now setting up shop as reality. Unfortunately I did not, once again, prepare for their arrival. My irrational way of being in control seemed suddenly to be slipping away and now I was faced with people who now began stepping on my toes to begin the processes of the changes that I had avidly anticipated. Bitterly I began to fight back to regain my sense of composure yet all the while my emotional tears of fear dripped hourly from the ups and downs of my new found realities. No one gets to push me around until I am ready to give in to the timing of events. The fears that were hiding beneath were now oozing out of my body like a liquid poison. Each teardrop of water that fell on my face burned through me as if to make me more aware that I had to face up to the inquisition that the universe was placing on me.

It was not at all how I expected it to turn out yet at the same time I can't honestly say that I had defined it succinctly. So once again I have had to ask myself, why did I not define everything in a more distinct question, with having all the questions and desires I needed help with all put into one easy simple reality of choice. There is no real direct way to ascertain that but I will now have to let go of my fears and trepidations and move with strength into the new dimension that I requested. The valley floor is deep with fears and assumptions and now I must make my way up to the apex once again.
I quietly await my rush of adrenaline and to feel the rush of air that will lift me out of the valley of fears and drop me onto the plain of synchronicity where faith in my hopes and desires will flourish.

I am hoping that this recent universal gift will be my start on the road to more sensibility and calmness. Perhaps when leaving the valley of fears I will then begin to calmly observe the zenith of life.

Friday, September 3, 2010


It was the breaking of dawn as I felt the soft nose nudge as it pushed gently on my arm that hung off the bed. Next came the paw which raked across the same arm demanding that I arise and get that food in the bowl. From the fog of the night's rest I begrudgingly slid out of the bed and staggered in the dark for my shoes and trudged slowly down the stairs to begin the morning ritual of dog preparations. Briskly she hopped out the dog door and happily scampered toward the grassy areas to do her business. While she sniffed around outside I stood in the early morning shadows and saw the light slowly making its way across the sky and wondered how many times I have seen the sunrise and how amazing it is to watch. I walked to the squirrel feeder to deposit their daily dose of food when I noticed two squirrells on the ground. One was a baby and the other was fending it from any harm as she tried to carry it up the tree. I stopped in awe of what I witnessed as it's strength pulled the little one to safety high above in the tree. Slowly and meticulously she held on to that little creature and then deposited it into the nest. I heard the squeaking sounds from the Mother squirrel which sounded like a reprimand to stay put in the nest while she went to get food. In another split second I watched her abound down the tree and open the feeder to get her morning food. She sat there munching as if nothing a few moments ago had even taken place. She just moved on to the next innate thing that nature told her to do.

I walked back inside and we took our walk back up the stairs to the kitchen to prepare the doggie meal. I went through my motions and sat the bowl down and while I stood there washing the few utensils I had used, I had a most annoying fly buzz around me frantically trying to fly out the window. It was a sad thing to watch the insect suicide taking place so I captured the bugger in a glass and opened the dining room door and set it free. It was perhaps the happiest winged one being able to fly freely again and set off for places unknown for the few remaining hours left on it's little bug life. I shut the door and went back to the sink to fill my tea maker with water and as I watched the water fill the pot I found myself lost in thought about how short life really can be. I plugged in the unit and continued to ponder my thoughts on that subject. I immediately focused on a very close friend whose spouse departed this earth for more angelic pastures with which to roam. Quickly his life stopped in a split second and changed her life forever. That sudden shock took her down without any notice of it's impending impact and left her stranded on her own island called "WHAT'S NEXT". It is a scary island to land on as you don't know what the natives will deliver next and are completely unsure if you will be spared from any other unpredictable events. The immense amount of emotional rainfall is not measured in inches but in "lots" of uncertainty and insecurity. If there was any strength to be found by moving in a forward motion, now was the time to start walking down those long deserted shorelines of her mind. For every piece of driftwood she would soon encounter meant that she would have to step over it and move it out of her way. There would be no controlling the future situations that lay in waiting on the beach. Soon the coat of constriction would find its way to wrap silently around her, unsuspectingly.

Reality had dropped a bomb and all the debris that remained had to be put in some kind of order. I could only watch from a far and support via airwaves from a cell phone. As I took each day and offered my support I could feel her momentum and strength of survival begin to emanate. In silence I could feel the tension that comes from uncontrollable scenarios and felt the energy of impatience of trying to move on. Being held back by bureaucratic idiots who have no sensitivity to a personal situation defies the laws of nature in helping someone in their time of need. Endurance and focus would be the saving graces that would soon give way to future security. One by one the stopping blocks that once were placed in front of her began to crumble. That reentry back into the world of self reliance had begun to replace those stumbling blocks. Her perseverance began to lay the the foundation for the life she would have in the future.

It was a feat of emotional strength that few survive without any shock residue. Under the pressure of rules and regulations, awareness and patience and staying five steps ahead of everyone was her ticket to survival of the emotional hacking that was given to her via paperwork and due diligence.
As I watched all of this take place, I had moments of helplessness and anger for not being there trying to ease the fear that associates from being thrust back into single life and unknown monetary responsibilities. At the beginning she had not a clue as to how all of this would wind up and little by little the answers would arrive. With painstaking grace she stepped into the shadows and found the light that was needed to see the next chapter that life began to offer.
What had been a very convex and uncertain life relationship would end with the reward that love did endure through the best and worst of times. The dues that were paid during the trials of togetherness would end up creating a world that had once been a glimmer of fantasy but was now evolving into a most attractive reality. No longer faced with the sadness of watching someone slip away in the physical world, she would now be able to see the long awaited horizon that would steer all her desires and needs.
From that early morning vision of nature at work in the scene of survival, I believe that it offered me the view into nature and it's fight for survival. It was obvious to me, more than ever now, that in the end all we have to depend on is ourselves to keep the faith and direction into the perspective that all will work out in the end. As I pondered the memory of the struggle of that Mother squirrel toting her baby up the tree away from harm, I felt the fear of the physical hope that she would make it to the nest and survival would carry on. What looked like a long journey up the tree would end with an assurance that life did carry on as usual. Now, about that annoying fly saved from insect suicide in its last remaining hours of life....the view of that bug being set free and watching him fly toward spaces unknown silently left a hope within me that nature had the plan all along. All we have to do is fly and let whatever happens to happen and savor the sweet smell of personal success and growth when all is finished and our destination reached.

As for my friend, all her tomorrows are now paid in full. Life now has a brighter backdrop. In the case of myself, well, I gained insight into a friend who challenged herself and used her "nature" to survive in the most uncertain of times.

Now...with a little luck and plenty of hope we both can fly toward spaces unknown and with the "natural" freedom with which to do so.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


It was a most annoying day today. Not from any pointed irritation but a culmination of a mixed bag of annoyances and unsolved problems that decided to erupt in an imitative mood. The feelings oozed out of me like unseen lava and covered me with silent anxiety that took hold of me and lingered for quite a while. For every question I asked myself, there would be at least eight or nine answers of uncertainty. This was not the most convivial way to feel any progress toward solving my momentary dilemma of mood stress. If anyone were to talk with me the response was pointed, curt and very directive. I did not make a good conversing candidate at that present time and still felt that I was going to explode and take it out on anyone that happened to be in the path of my distorted mind hurricane. It was then that I made my way out the door and decided to take my morbid mood outside so the air and light could dissipate it a bit and the ooze that stuck to me could possibly melt away so that I could get a few hours of peace before the day ended.
I stepped morosely out the door and felt the warm sunlight surround me with its healing powers and knew immediately that a brisk walk could help remove the soot that surrounded me.
I felt the crunching of the gravel beneath my shoes as I trudged down the long driveway toward the road that would hopefully lead me to a better frame of mind. Instead of conjuring up some fun happy fantasy I began to think about how walking on the gravel driveway without any foot covering must be hard on my dogs feet thus provoking guilt inside me for causing her pain by walking on those many hard rocks. By the time I reached the open road I added another guilt stress layer and heaped it on top of all the others that still lay there waiting for solutions to make them all disappear. I immediately thought that this walk would have me laden with more conjured problems than I left with before I would get back home. SO, I kept going and with every step I tried convincing myself to think of ideas with which to approach all of the secret problems and remove them from my list of things that needed to be changed. The orange glow from the late afternoon sun lit everything and made my eyes wander and look around at the scenery as I walked. I heard people talking and arguing in their homes. A couple of dogs began barking as I approached and the toxic smell of diesel gas permeated the air as the city bus drove by and jolted me back into reality.
As I walked, my mind wandered far off into the conjured reality of the perfect life and a calm scenario of peace around me. I realized there must be a million of those dreams all just waiting to bloom into reality. The trouble is that timing keeps them held back and my impetuous desire wants them to hurry and bloom. Being born always in a hurry is a most heavy burden to carry especially when you keep looking around all the corners expecting something to show up and restart the pendulum towards a new reality. Chasing after that elusive butterfly is hard and at this time of my life I am acquiescing to the potent fact of living in the NOW. Easy to say and very tough to follow when your a dreamer, like myself. Lord knows I have read enough self help books and have my proclaimed guru of Eckhart Tolle yet it is just how he states it all. You must empty your mind of all the daily debris and just let the moment that you are in be the focal point and experience IT as IT is and not what is not present. I truly believe that yet it is the hardest thing to accomplish when you feel overwhelmed with excess mind baggage.
I continued my brisk pace and began to feel my emotions fade into my surroundings and I noticed more of the outdoor presence around me. I peered into the windows of the houses I passed and wondered about who lived in each and silently assessed each home. Funny assumptions and fantasies pummeled by brain. Each home held its own version of the NOW and for those brief moments I was part of it. As I passed each I began to understand more fully about being in the present. There were times during my hike that I slid back into my corrupt mind files but I quickly focused on the delete button and gave way to my present time. It was a fight to the finish as on more than one occasion those files reappeared to take me from the NOW. The flashing yellow light suddenly appeared and gave way to the red light that stopped me in the middle of the road and brought a realization so clear that it amazed me. If I could not hold my focus on the present more than 10 minutes, how the hell would I accomplish living everyday in the present without all the corrupt files trying to take over my thought patterns. I then realized that it was going to have to take immense concentration and awareness to keep focused on the NOW. It is not going to be a one day habit change and it would have to be a progressive procedure that would take place a little more each day.
As the sunset was fading slowly over the horizon I took a reality check and realized that I had been walking for over an hour and had no recollection of the passing of time as I was caught up in my own mind space trying to find solutions as to the why of then. I began to make my way back home and realized that I was truly my own worst enemy and I need to let things roll off instead of being so miserable when issues are out of my control. I made a decision that I would begin to put the present moment into a clearer perspective and take what comes and try to let the rest fade away. Now if I could just honor those decisions and stay on the right track perhaps there would be hope yet.

I turned and started my walk down that long driveway and knew that I had returned with a much better insight and a better view of what was needed to get through the next few hours of the day. Happily jogging down the driveway to meet me was my dog and I noticed that the stones beneath her feet didn't really impede her progress toward getting to me. In fact, I got her canine message loud and clear...No matter how many stones slip beneath your feet when walking, just keep focused on the prize that awaits from a little pain brought about by a few rocks down your path. Stepping on them only make you more aware of what you will need to bypass should you encounter another rocky road in your life awareness search..........or toward the drawer where the MILKBONE treats are held.

Monday, August 16, 2010


The warm blanket felt so good against her chilled petite body and as she turned on her back and looked up SHE saw the ugly light bulb hanging from the wire in the ceiling. It was ablaze with its glaring light illuminating the ugly walls that made up her room. It was a crisp Christmas morning and SHE knew that her Mother would be back in a moment to see if she was awake yet. There was no way to get out of going to the local television station as she knew her Mother needed the money and that would help make their day nice and perhaps she would get the one thing that she wanted under the tiny lit Christmas tree. HER brothers and sisters would be waiting for them when they returned later that morning. How SHE dreaded the bus ride downtown. Lonely, tired people sitting on the smelly old bus that would take them to the places that they did not want to be at on this Holiday morning. It was frigid outside and SHE could never seem to stay warm in that tattered old wool coat. SHE knew she would once again have to sing for their supper. It was not such a bad thing, to be paid some money for doing something that you truly liked to do and that made you feel tingly inside when you did it. It was like a moment when SHE would get a big bear hug from her Mother that made her feel happy. Only HER singing feeling was double-triple. It moved her emotions to a place that she had not yet matured to yet but the resonance and emotion that poured from her voice moved anyone who got the opportunity to listen to her. All the people at the television station were so nice to HER and her Mother. The six piece band was made up of men who loved to make HER feel like she had six Dad's all very protective and in awe of her singing talent. HER real father had died before she was born and all she knew of him were the stories her siblings would tell her about. If he were alive SHE was sure SHE would have loved him greatly. Her Mother had all but sold everything of possession to keep a home for them all. She noticed at an early age the musical sounds that emanated from her baby's mouth. When the radio was on it would become the best babysitter for HER. All HER brothers and sisters saw what music would do to HER when it was on the radio. SHE could hardly speak yet SHE would sing total lyrics of songs in exact pitch and tone. When you would try and talk to her she would look curious at you as if she did not understand and when you sang your question to her, her response was amazing.
It was truly a natural god given talent that SHE had been born with and it was one that her oldest sister truly admired. It had been earlier that summer of 1955 that she was taken to the county fair by her favorite sister. She had secretly signed HER up to sing at the talent show that was being held. It had been sponsored by the local bread factory and there was to be a winning fee of $100 and her sister had a feeling that SHE just might be the winner of that showcase. The money would help her Mother and that made them both feel good to help out. There was absolutely no trepidation that SHE had when called up to sing a song for HER spot in the show. Being so small and the crowd so big did not make her nervous, but it did spark something within HER that would start the climb up to a place she never dreamed about.
SHE asked in the most childlike way if they knew her favorite song and the musicians agreed that they did and once they struck the first chord SHE stepped innocently up to the big microphone and let loose with a voice that completely silenced the large audience that stood watching. Not one flat note emerged and the sound and performance stunned everyone including the musicians. When SHE sang and held the last note, there was such applause that it frightened HER and SHE ran back to her sister's side. The ovation was overwhelming and she was picked instantly as the winner and given the prize money. The local papers snapped a lot of pictures and SHE was unfazed by the accolades being placed on HER at that moment. SHE sweetly asked if she could now buy some cotton candy and ride some of the attraction rides. It all went over her head and SHE then resumed her place in the crowd. They spent their time walking around while people stopped and wanted to ask them many questions but it all seemed bothersome to HER. SHE wanted to have a good time and be left alone with HER sister. To their Mother's happiness when they presented her with the winning prize money, she put together a celebration dinner and the day would end with a prayer that made her Mother realize a gift had been bestowed on her youngest child. SHE knew something had changed in her on that day yet SHE had no idea what that would be just yet. All that mattered at the moment was the time being shared with her family.
The next morning's newspaper cover story would spell out HER future and create an explosive energy that would fuel the rise to the top. THe last few months had been spent traveling back and forth to the station in wee hours of the morning. That long bus ride would get them back home just before it was time to be in school. As she opened the door, once again, to the station she hoped that there would more time to sleep when they returned back home. That was not to be on that morning, as a gift would arrive that would not be packaged with bright paper and a bow, it would be a very large gift that would completely change all their lives in just that one moment. Christmas came with much joy and happiness on that day, SHE would not be aware of just how to take it all in and which road would start the journey. SHE began to believe in angels that morning and knew for sure that SHE was being watched
over. It would always become her saving grace............from any fall.

Sunday, August 8, 2010



The sun's ray burst through the venetian blinds as if the police were chasing them. The warm golden light filled the bedroom and poured over the sleeping boy as HE slept, deeply, following an exhaustive night of anxiety, wonder and hope that Santa would really appear. It had been a hard evening earlier for him to find Mr.Sandman that night as it was Christmas eve. For all HE understood it would take the snow and windy cold weather to bring that big sleigh, however it was a very warm and sunny winter and not a flake of snow was in sight. The questions that needed answers to still left him wondering if Santa really would arrive on the roof or on the beautiful sandy white beaches that spread out the back of the concrete block Florida home of which HE lived in. HE had been told to get to sleep early and the next morning there would be stockings and many presents just waiting to be opened. HE dreamed of what would be under that brightly lit tree and truly had no idea that fate would be waiting for him on the other side of the door that Christmas morning.

His Mother was up early and put the finishing touches on the packages and put the last things into his stocking and quickly picked up the cookies that had been left out for Santa and sat them close to her cup of coffee. She had to be sure to have them eaten before the pandemonium began as he would surely check to see if they were gone. She sat looking at the holiday scene before her and felt the warm memories of her childhood Christmases spread through her being. As tears welled in her eyes she reveled in the fact that she would once again get to share that feeling through the eyes of her own child. Having had a celebratory Christmas eve his Dad was still unmoved on the sofa in an inebriated exhaustive sleep. It seemed that the holiday season always took it's toll on him and he took his solace in the amber liquid that kept the glow within him. As she sat and watched his lifeless form she wondered if he would awaken in a happy state of mind and appreciate the moments that would soon transpire. She took the last cookie and dipped it into her coffee and glanced up at the clock and took note of the time and then returned the plate to it's place next to the empty milk glass on the table by the tree.
She hoped that she would be lucky enough to get a chance to bathe before the action all began, and took quick advantage of having the bathroom all to herself. As she brushed her hair before stepping into the warm bath she looked deep into the mirror and assured herself that the gifts that awaited unwrapping would be appreciated by everyone who received them. As as she began to step in to the water she heard a noise and quickly decided to look into her son's room before she began her ritual to be sure there would be enough time before he awoke. Softly she opened the door and looked in to see his little leg dangling off the side of the bed and knew that it would not be long before he would be bounding out of the room in a rush. She truly did not want to miss that moment and closed the door and turned swiftly to complete her bath. With a smile on her face she eagerly awaited his presence.

As she exited the bathroom she heard the rustling of the coffee pot and knew that at least one person was up and she had not missed the pending event. With the haggard look on her husband's face she saw the consequences that the libation's had left on his head. As he took a long sip of coffee he felt he rush of caffeine penetrate his body giving him the energy to break a smile and offer a good morning to her.
"Do you feel as bad as you look" she asked. He managed a sly grin and answered abruptly "no ..worse but I took four aspirin and hope they remove this pain in my head and..... before I forget to tell you, I'm sorry.. I passed out on you, can you forgive me?".. The apology was appreciated but was just filed with the others that came more frequently and she pushed any angry emotions away, and replied "Of course I can, but I hope you will be ready for all the family arriving later. Perhaps you need to leave your best friend Jack Daniels outside for the day". His eyes followed her as she sat by him at the table. He said nothing and realized the less said the better, but he knew that she was right, he would leave the bottle alone as his head and body could not take it another night. She knew that he was sorry but it seemed that the apologies never really changed anything except to smooth over the moment till it happened again. The best gift she could hope for was a sign that he was progressing toward a new outlook and to show a little more affection to make her feel wanted, secure and not uncertain of their love for each other. He did not want to confront her eyes as it would only make him feel more regretful but the slight touch to her hand gave way to the feeling that the day would turn out alright afterall.
She stood up and made her way to the stove to prepare a little breakfast for the both of them and still expected any second for the sound of feet to come running down the hall. She hoped for a little more time for the two of them to be alone and to talk a while. Reaching into the refrigerator for the bread she asked him if he would like some eggs with his toast and he resoundingly stated "I don't think so right now, I'm hoping the toast will sop up the rest of the pain from the headache, why in the hell do I do that to myself". He could not see the hidden grin on her face and her joy of knowing the price he was paying for his drinking spree. As the toaster popped up the bread he made his way toward her to offer help and softly put his arms around her waist and breathed in her scent and kissed her gently on the neck and whispered "Merry Christmas". The emotion sent her reeling and she turned around in response but never got the chance to say anything as he deeply kissed her and assured her that everything would be fine.
They stood and ate their toast and coffee and took in the rare moment of just being together without someone nearby asking a million questions. The adult conversation felt easy and without hesitation and made the intimate connection for the both of them.
She began stacking the dishes in the sink when she heard the opening of her sons bedroom door and knew the time was here and the excitement was ready to begin. She told her husband to get the camera for the memories to be shared later. In his Mighty Mouse pajamas and barely awake, he made his way into the kitchen. She could tell at that moment that the Santa connection had not been made yet as he asked for his usual bowl of Alpha Bits cereal.
She was torn between getting the cereal and letting him eat and the desire to watch the lighting of his face as he was made aware that Santa had come, just a few feet away. She made her way to the pantry to get the box of cereal and placed the bowl in front of him and began pouring when his arms flailed above his head in a squeal that signified that he remembered what day it was. As his arms came down so did the box of cereal all over the floor. HE quickly pushed the chair back from the table and ran into the living room and shouted that Santa had come and to please hurry into the room. There was hardly enough time to insert the flash bulbs into the camera as he became more overwhelmed at the sight of all the presents spilling out from under the tree. She decided to leave the mess in the kitchen and rushed into the room and saw him jumping up and down and overjoyed at what HE saw. The high energy ignited the room and the spirit of the day moved through all of them. HE took his stocking first and began rummaging through it it with wild abandon. There were chocolates and marshmallow candies, small games and lots of crayons. There was also a candy dispenser that held all the Pez one could eat. It was a gold mine of treats. His father reached under the tree and handed him Santa's first present as the flash of light burst forth from the camera she held. It was a fairly big box and not much sound came from inside as HE shook the box.
She looked at her husband and wondered if her son would like what would soon be unveiled. The paper was being torn off rapidly and suddenly the box was opened. The ultimate question came out despairingly "What is it?" Spoken even before taking the object out of its packaging, she could tell his disappointment was rising from impatience. His father removed it from the box and sat it on the table nearby but it did not arouse his curiosity. HE began opening another package. She watched as HE eagerly opened the next present and saw that his eyes would occasionally drift to the square box with the handle that his Dad had placed on the table just moments ago.
As HE pulled the last paper off his newest package HE happily said "Mom, it's books I like" she asked him if he was sure of that and then HE saw that they were not books, but round colored plastic things that looked like thin plates with holes in the middle. "WHAT is this" HE asked almost angrily, "I didn't ask Santa for this, why did he leave these, I don't want these", protesting loudly HE dropped them to the floor and stood sadly as if he had been reprimanded. She picked up the items and tried to explain that they were records and the box on the table was the player that you put them on to make them play music. Although HE knew what music was it did nothing to peak his interest and these items were not what He was expecting under the tree. HE sat down and pulled out another gift from the tree hoping for at least one thing that was written on his list. HE unraveled a Huckleberry Hound stuffed animal toy and breathed a sigh of relief and as HE turned to show it to his parents, He saw that the box with the handle on it was open and the little round plastic records were spinning around. HE then noticed one of the records dropped down into the box and suddenly sound emanated from within. It surprised and stunned him to where HE could not move and was mesmerized by what HE saw and heard. She looked in her husband's direction and saw that he too witnessed something spectacular. As HE stood there saying nothing he cocked his head from side to side listening intently. HE had no idea that fate was quietly sneaking it's way into his life at that moment and wrapping it's arms around him. HE would begin the journey toward a life phenomenon that would shape HIS life into the person that destiny had silently prepared him for. It would be a grand adventure and one that would carry him to the top of it all. Life, for HIM, did begin at 45 R.P.M ........ Yet,......................
Fate had much more planned than just 45 Revolutions Per Minute.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Within all of us there lies an entrancing story of our life. From infancy to
adulthood, the stories abound with happiness and sadness, triumphs and disappointment. There would be love and indifference, joy and sorrow and anything in between the emotion meter. We could tell stories that could ignite laughter and brings tears to your eyes. The mystery novel that lies deep within our brain contains many chapters that would tell the story of one human journey to survive the experience known as life.

There are those who did not get the opportunity to live their life for long but the legacy that can be left behind is conjoined in the memory of others who remember their presence. The amazing thing about life is that it is not for sure and cannot be figured out so readily. We are told early on to reach for the top and don't stop till you reach your summit whatever that may be. I look back into my life and know that my discomfort of not being in control is my roundabout that keeps me in circles trying to figure out the quickest solution to my "momentary" need. It is time to throw in the towel and immerse myself into the waters know as faith. That one little word that has such bastardized meanings to so many religious pratfalls. The faith that I speak of is in the trusting of ones self to lead you to where the universe needs you to go to. It is much harder than one would expect, after all you can't control it, faith just has to BE. Like I said before... "easier said than done"

I have a story to tell like all of us do. Mine is a quiet love story with all the twists and turns and highs and lows of a struggle against time and the promise of requited love. My future writings will be telling my story and all the fantasy that can be infused to make a story move you. As usual all the names, places and references to persons living or dead is purely coincidental and not of any intention.
While some of the story may be infused with private reality there will be fiction to add fuel to the literary motor. This process will take some time and the pages will be withdrawn from the archives within my brain cells. The story, which has been written many times over in my head, will then unfold into a worded reality.

It's a new beginning for me into this foray of a literary world and I am sure that my learning curve will come with the territory but I will learn as I go. If the chance is not taken to put into story form the words that have so lingered within then I will not have taken the risk to prove to myself that I at least tried. I feel it is better to take the risk and land where my next life adventure begins.
I hope, like my predecessor "Jacqueline Susann" that I will have my dog at my feet while I write and she will give me the canine support by staying beside me.
I could only hope for any success in accomplishing something that I have never attempted before. It will be great to share the words and the story with the people who have been reading. Your comments will be greatly appreciated.

So wish me luck and a good manicure when all the typing is done...I hope it turns out as I have silently written it.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010


This morning I had the hardest time finding the courage to open my eyes and face the day. Not because of anything particular, it was mostly because I wanted more answers to the reoccurring scenario that has been repeating itself on a nightly basis. It involves a picture that has scenes that are of an abstract contemporary etching. It feels to me in the dream like it is on some form of aluminum and to look at it brings about emotions and feelings, which lead me to believe that some information is in the workings on the art piece. The attraction in the art piece is powerful and I keep being drawn to it in search of some kind of answer to questions I have yet to ask.
I wonder now of how many other subconscious signs have paved the way toward the future that is now my today. The impact that dreams can have on your conscious activity is amusing. All the images within that dream flash through your mind and all day long you are caught up in the idea of what it all could mean. I would have to say that the constant questioning is aggravating and leads to nowhere due to the fact that you are trying to find the rhymes and reasons for such imagery. This constant natural ability has been happening to me most of my life. I am aware that when you have a cognisant dream, it is the sign that you must stay aware that something is pending and to let the natural flow begin to lead you to the reality that is just around the corner. It will happen and most likely go unnoticed or will appear in he form of a deja vu that surrounds you with the most familiar scenario as if you had an instant replay of an audio visual situation.

Signs appear in the most unusual way. The day to day activity and noise debris are the distracting things that take your focus away from your conscious activity. At the intersection of Aware and Focused there lies an amazing amount of information that will move you to places that you had hoped to encounter. I learned at a very early age that no matter how much chatter is coming your way learn to keep your focus on the goal that you have planned and never take no for an answer. In fact find an alternate route and you will be amazed at what comes from taking a different road. The airport signs along the road will direct you to the correct gate that you will need to continue your flight toward your destination of choice.
While there are many positive signs that you will encounter there are just as many warning signs that are most important to pay close attention to, as they will direct you out of a dilemma that you may be sorry you got into.
I recall several times that I was to take a holiday trip and on numerous occassions I kept having moments of uncertainty about the flight. I would dispell the ideas as silly and would force them out of my mind but yet they would sneak unnannounced back into reality and I would have to rethink the situation again. I have even gotten on the plane and the emotion of fear would take over me and I have taken my seat belt off and took a run out of the boarding gate with such fright that I barely made it out the door before my fear would turn to extreme paranoia. It would always come with a conclusion that would have lead to an unhappy ending if I had not paid attention to the information that was being sent to me. Most of us would understand the term GUT feeling and there in lies the first sign to pay attention to. TRUST in it and you will have a more peaceful happy flight.

There were other times when I wanted a sign to tell me if I was heading in the right direction albeit a trip or a goal and I continued onward, still a bit insecure, when the simplest moment would occur and it was the sign that I was needing to make the ending a happy one. It could have been a situation, or a conversation or something that I may have read, it did not matter what IT was but it connected and I felt he click of the safety belt that held my security in my seat on the plane of which I was traveling.

When your intuition is questioned by others of influence remember to analyze the truth within your soul and know that it will put you on the correct path to where you want to be. How you interpret the signs is up to you, but I stongly suggest that you read them as they are seen and not infuse any idea that you are forcing into a reality that is not ready to happen just yet. If that occurs there will be unforseen ruts and potholes that will make your journey unpleasant and scrambling to find the way back to a smoother road.

I truly believe that the gift of intuition and clairvoyancy is within us all and all we have to do is be quiet and listen to the resonating information being delivered daily. When you are taken to the airport to catch a flight you have to pay attention to where your gate is and to the time of boarding. It is the same thing in life. Pay attention to the signs at your personal airport and read them as they are written and trust that they are directing you to the right gate.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Perhaps it is the age factor that makes becoming more aware of life an unexpected experience that had been slightly neglected in our youth. Or perhaps we just have opened our eyes to the things that have needed to be seen when the life timing is ready. We never know what twists and turns arrive in just one day of our lives. In the fraction of a second our lives can be altered in ways unimaginable and our flight gets disrupted and cancelled and we have to set about making new routes and reservations to places unknown before that moment of change occurred.
The ascent to beyond the horizon starts the day we are born and we know that it will end one day, yet we are never ready to accept that final flight without a fight. It seems to me that the destinations that lead you to that final boarding call have swiftly passed by and you hardly catch the breath of reality before it is time for the final ascent into the hereafter.
With trepidation and hope for a new beginning someday you transfer over to a new plain of soul renewal. You will leave the precious memories of your existence on earth behind for those who loved you. They will remember the gift of your life energy beaming off their resonating body and will continue to draw happiness in the memory of what was.
Loss of a loved human and all its relationship content does not come without pain. In fact it is a brutal affair with emotions that emerge without a warning and reek havoc on your mind and body. Then, while that is happening, the shock debris cloud hovers overhead like a bad thunderstorm about to erupt and all the chaos and fears and unsettled emotions begin to rain down like a monumental flood. It moves you to emotional areas never known before and dumps you there and provokes you to walk on and dares you to try. Through the veil of tears, the watery vision seems unclear until you take the first step alone. Day by day and step by step the gathering of your shattered life begins to piece itself back together, with a bonding agent that is not bought in a store but was paid for in love, strength and hope for a happier tomorrow.
The passing of a friend evokes many thoughts of love, life and feelings. In the time of a life crisis, you will become the solid rock that someone will need to lean on until they get their footing and can redirect their life flight. It is with much sadness that I had to become even more aware of the loss of a life and the morbid twist of sobriety that a dear friend must endure with the exit of their spousal transition.
You can never test the strength of a person until the shadow of a death leaves a mark on their heart. Unfortunately this test arrives without notice and in one explosive moment the world once known, becomes a blurr and almost unrecognizable with the upheaval of all that was once known as normal. I can view from the distance the amazing ability to adapt to such an ordeal. I see into the forest while my friend seems lost in the trees. I know that a path will clear for the exit into the sunlight but the process of grief will take it toll on the heart strings that tug daily. The life that once was on both parts must now merge into memory and become the next act in the play of life that is still moving forward.

To me an obituary should not read of "what was and who they were" but it should speak mountains of the legacy left behind for all to be aware of. Information that could spark inspiration and hope for each other. If we speak of what was, it paints the picture that eventhough their physical presence is not with us they are no longer of importance. Their vast memories remain alive and will compel us to think of similarities that we may be privy to at a later date and compare their memory to use as a stepping stone toward each day of life.

If I think of his past, I can only envy his future. A future that we will never know on this plain of earth. We can only surmise of the pleasantries that will abound from the earthly strings that once held his soul here. He left behind the people who will move his memory forward and forever etch his name across the land he once walked on.
Should we be sad, yes for the moment, but in a selfish way but we must remember the joy that we once held by knowing him when life flowed through his body. The law was his choice of a life profession and now he will practice the law in a realm free of hurtful situations and crimes that have to be settled by a judge. The only judging to be done in this lawless realm will be to judge the good things that he left behind. Being quiet and modest as to who he was only allowed others to understand the integrity with which he stood his ground on. He held many surprises and allowed his destiny to play out with silent thoughts.

The people he will leave behind will eventually fall back into their daily routines and life will go on. Only now life will be viewed differently. Every waking day will be more appreciated and the things that once went unnoticed will be viewed with open eyes and a softer heart. The unseen law that he practiced while alive will be the unwritten law of a life who aspired to do the right thing in representing human rights. His case needs no judge, as he will view us all from a courtroom unlike any we will ever see on earth.