THE HOLIDAY

As far as recollections occur, this memory seemed to have snuck up on me as it would qualify as one segment of time that I had wanted to lay buried deep into the hidden corners of my subconscious. A little secret that I promised myself long ago never to tell anyone as I felt that I would betray the confidence of the two people involved in the situation, ..... I being one of the two involved.

I recently spent the day putting together my stereo system in the new house and updating the new "I-Cloud" of music and hoping that all would come together as easy as it did setting up the wireless information and entering all the passwords. I bravely pushed the enter button on the remote and watched the little wheel spin and spin and emblazoned on the screen was "LOADING I-CLOUD" when all of a sudden the CLOUD landed on a shuffled tune. I was taken aback when the music began, excited that I actually made it all work and shocked at the hidden mental and visual memory that came shooting out of the depths of my long forgotten memory file. For two minutes and forty six seconds, I left my reality and relived the whole entire event again. I shivered when the song ended and I was slammed back to earth and back to my present reality. The whole situation followed me for the entire rest of the day and most of the night. As I watched the sunset this evening I saw his face in the orange glow as it dipped behind the pinkish red mountains that surround my view of the waning blue sky. It reminded me that it was time that I dealt with the acceptance of what happened and to finally lay it to rest with releasing the sadness that always came with any thought semblance.

It was the holiday season and it was one that my father and I would be spending alone as my parents recent divorce paved the way toward an uncertain tomorrow for the both of us. I,having chosen to live with my Father, left my Mother feeling angry and rejected and she chose to take a flight out of town to be with my brother who at the time was still in the service and planned to be married. No longer would there be the "family" Christmases as they had started to fail miserably a couple of years before, but it was to be the end of the unhappiness that always seemed to permeate around my Mother's discontent that my Dad had not given her something that she really wanted and that he still showed his disconnection for the whole season of the holidays. I was gleeful that I would not have to feel the tension in the air due to my Mother's expectations and was hoping that I could instill a little Christmas spirit in my Dad and we would have a bachelor type day and open the gifts at our own leisure.

At the age of fifteen my visions of sugar plums and happiness took a nose dive as it became apparent early by that Christmas eve that not even I could coax the spirit out out him. The only spirit that he was into was the amber liquid that he kept pouring each time he began to see the bottom of the glass that clung to his hand. It was my first visual awareness that he was removing himself from sobriety so that he could deal with the fact that nothing lay beneath the tree except the big red felt skirt that I had perfectly laid there. I had hoped that I would not be able to see the skirt for all the presents that should have been laying there, but that was not to be.

By late afternoon I could sense that unless I approached my Dad about going shopping I was not going to have any gifts to open on our bachelor Christmas day. So I began pushing the subject of going to the shopping center and he just pushed back with his unwanted desire to be caught up in any mass of people doing last minute holiday shopping. My panic ensued and my behavior was not to go unnoticed as he finally gave in and reluctantly and angrily grabbed his keys and stormed out of the house and got in the car. I should have known better than to get into the car because of his inebriation but I had only one thing in mind and that was to save a Christmas that was seemingly doomed at that moment. I recall vividly the ride of my life as we weaved down the road until we somehow made it to the shopping center without any accident. I was scared yet it did not phase me as my focus was on completing what I had started and not on the safety for both of us. I swiftly got out of the car and stood waiting for him to step out of the car so we could go into the store. I could sense his anger from 30 feet away and turned to see him stagger out of the door, barely missing the pole that swiped his shoulder and sent him spiraling a bit before he regained some sense of balance.

He flew open the door and stomped in, as I held myself back because of my embarrassment that he was showing such signs of a drunken man. I approached carefully smelling that bitter scent of liquor coming from his breath. I had no idea where to begin and due to my cautiousness I felt uncertainty as to how all this would work out. He moved with such an unsteady pace that I put my arm around him to support him and I hoped that it would smooth the stress that so showed on his face. Without words we walked the aisles looking for something that I felt I just had to buy. He told me he really did not want to get anything as the divorce changed the income in the household dramatically, all of this unknown to me. It still made no difference to me as I had a goal to reach and it had to be met, no matter what the cost. After some time I glanced through the store window and looked at the sky and noticed the sun had begun to dim and I knew the time for shopping was nearing its stressful end and still nothing had been picked out for me. I had picked some items for Dad and I stumbled upon a new item that seemed to be what I would settle for as it was my last ditch effort to complete this consumer nightmare. When he saw the price of $89.00 he went ballistic and I forced the challenge to the maximum breaking point and he gave in not wanting to create a scene. He slammed the money down and trudged out as mad as a hornet. My teenage attitude was consumed with embarrassment as the cashier handed me the change from the hundred dollar bill he threw on the counter.

I picked up my bagged purchase and made my way outside as the last bit of light slipped behind the horizon. The ride home was silent and intense and only fueled the flame that was now out of control. We weaved our way back to our home and miraculously made it home safely as if the Christmas angel was looking out for us. Unfortunately there was no intervention for the remainder of the evening as it began to fall apart the moment we set foot in the house. He went briskly over to the bottle that held the liquid escape that would soon take control once again. It wasn't bad enough that I forced the shopping episode but I could not let up on the whole disappointing scene that was playing out before me. I needed and wanted the safety of a parent who would make that Christmas eve a warm and loving experience but alas that was not to be.

I watched as time and again he re-poured his glass full of the vile liquid that transformed the man that I knew as my Dad into a remorseful unhappy man. The arrogance that I possessed at the age of fifteen was reprehensible as I took on the role of guardian and made no attempt to keep my mouth from saying things that only provoked the terror that made my Christmas eve a horrible nightmare. The mean and hateful things that spewed out of my youthful mouth only pushed the wrong buttons that pushed the limits beyond what my Dad could take any longer. In his defense I should have just gone to my room and shut the door and prayed for the safety of a roof over my head, but no I dug in even deeper and his eruption took me completely by surprise. At his breaking point he lunged angrily toward me and I shoved the chair in front of him which made him take a heavy fall straight into a wall that did not move except to serve as a slide for his face as he had knocked himself out and slid down the rough sand textured wall. Before I knew it he was laying still on the floor and I could readily see the red liquid that began to pool around his head.

Completely frightened that I had killed him, I turned him over only to find a large gaping wound that exposed the bone on his forehead. He was not at all aware of what happened, but at least he was breathing. At the time there was no 911 emergency number so I grabbed some towels and held them on his head to suppress the bleeding that was not stopping.
My mind was racing and the only solution that I could come up with was to take him to the hospital. I did not have a drivers license yet, but had already taken drivers education and knew I could handle driving the car. I took one of my belts and used it to hold the towel on his bleeding head and I picked his lifeless body up and carried it to the car and drove the endless road till we arrived at the emergency room door. I ran in and told them I needed help and they rushed to my side and quickly put him on the gurney that quickly swept him away to a room I had yet to find. As the nurse tried to get information from me as to what happened, I told her a story that was not at all the truth and she seemed to buy it and comforted me as a mother would do. She made it a point to tell me how lucky my Dad was to have me be able to drive him to the hospital and I shyly agreed and never revealed that I did not hold a license. Looking back I realize that, at no time did they ever ask for an insurance card, and how lucky I was to not have to answer much about what happened, knowing within my whole being that I helped bring that evening to the disaster that was being played out.

The time in that sterile smelling environment only added to the list of woes that would fill the stocking that was laid out at home. Three hours later and eleven stitches, plus a strong shot of pain killer, the male attendants gently laid him in the back seat of the car as I assured them that there was someone at home to help me with him. The nurse knew that he had been drinking and made it very clear that he should not have anymore liquor due to the shot of painkiller that he had been given and the other drugs to stop the bleeding. He never regained much consciousness throughout the whole ordeal. As the attendants shut the doors to the car I sat there stunned and so frightened that he would wake up that I could barely move. The tears were overwhelming and now I had to drive off in the wee hours of that Christmas morning and put him to bed. How would I ever explain this whole scenario to him was already creating quite an anxiety that I was totally unprepared for.

I began to relive the whole situation on that long drive home and how I should have removed myself from it completely, but I had only one thought in mind and that was for us to share a nice time together. Looking back I can see it was a selfish attempt at trying to change the man who had no intentions of ever enjoying the holidays. Accepting that fact would have made it all easier and less disastrous.
We arrived back at home around 2:30 in the morning. I went into the house and turned down his bed covers and went back and opened the back car door and made my attempt to slide him out of the car and after a couple of attempts to pick him up, I succeeded and made it to the bedroom where I laid him down and covered him up. I stood there for the longest time trying to regain my composure. I feared waiting out the rest of the night until he awoke because I knew the I would have to start answering the questions that I assumed he would most certainly ask.

I remember watching the sunrise that Christmas morning and expecting any moment that he would awaken. Luckily he did not begin to stir until the early evening. I never left the house that day as I was afraid he would wake up alone. I can't begin to tell you how endless that whole twenty four hour period was for me. I never opened the box of the purchase I forced him to buy and I never wrapped the items I bought for him. I just kept going in and out of his bedroom the entire day, checking to see if he was still breathing. He was....

The moment of reckoning and the slow conscious awakening began easy enough. I could see that he was coming to some kind of terms himself as to why his head had a large bandage on it. Time stopped as I sat on that sofa motionless waiting for him to call my name. He could not see me watching him trying to find some kind of answers as to why he was in bed, how did he get there and why did he feel so much pain. What seemed like an eternity transpired before he called out for me. With the greatest of trepidation and tears falling like a flood from my eyes I walked into his bedroom, dimly lit by the setting sun. I believe he must have sensed my fear as he slowly sat up in bed and called me over to sit with him. My fright about the whole confrontation was not at all necessary as he took my hand and asked me if I was alright and began apologizing for making Christmas day a mess. He continued his apologies and I sat saying nothing just waiting for him to ask me what happened to his head and how did he get into the bed. The whole time I sat there he never asked me one question about anything. It was almost as if at some time during the hospital visit he must have had some kind of awareness of what was going on, or perhaps the doctor or nurse explained the situation, but honestly I really don't know how much he remembered. All I knew was that I could not bring up enough courage to explain it all to him.

After he was done apologizing and trying to comfort me, the best I could say was that we needed to change the bandage later and asked if he was hungry for something to eat. He responded very gently and asked me to help him get up. As he stood up he grabbed on to me and squeezed me close and never said a word. We walked into the living room and as he sat on the sofa I noticed the glass from the last evening still laying on it's side. I had cleaned up what I thought was all remnants of the catastrophe yet there was the glass that still remained as a memory. Quickly I removed it before he caught a glimpse of it and went into the kitchen to fix us something to eat. The sun had set and the view of the Christmas tree lit gave the room a glow that had been absent for quite a while. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the pain that my Dad was in and kept my distance while he worked through it.
Later as we sat together and ate our dinner he began another attempt to apologize and I summoned up enough courage to apologize for my behavior. As he shrugged it off saying he should have been better about it all, I told him I was glad that we were here together and that sharing this time with him really was all I wanted. He asked if I opened the box I bought yesterday and I replied that I had not. In fact, I said to him, that I had decided to return it after Christmas as I didn't really need it. He told me to keep it, but at that moment it had been tarnished with unhappy circumstances and I did not want to be reminded of the whole situation by keeping it.

For the rest of that Christmas night, we talked about Mother and all the changes that had taken place in our lives and how absolutely devastated he was about their divorce. He explained how difficult it was to be together and that he just could not handle the relationship anymore. There was information that I really did not want to hear but I could sense his need to talk about it. I was truly not old enough to comprehend all of it but at this time of my life I understand more of his pain. In truth, the pain he felt was not from that recent head wound but I realize it was from the broken heart that never healed.

Till the day he passed away we never talked about what had happened on that holiday. There was never another situation that got out of control as I had learned my youthful lesson on keeping my distance when things seemed bad. I had managed to keep that secret for most of my life and now as I sit and put it into words, I can see how that had brought us closer together and created a special respect for each of us. I realized that it was not the amount of gifts that lay around the tree all wrapped up in the decorative paper, all that I really wanted was to have him close to me so that I could feel safe. My understanding of what was more important was the best gift I had ever received. We may have gone about it in a truly abstract way but we both learned a lot that holiday. I know now how hard it must have been for him to talk about how he felt, and how lucky I was to be the one he told.

Through tears of gratitude and forgiveness I know he still surrounds me, from afar, with his blanket of safety. As for my future holiday's, they will now include the memory that I no longer have to keep hidden. The life gift that I got on that Christmas eve will keep on giving and the energy from it will be enough to light the lights on the Christmas tree of my life.

TRUCK STOP

Exhausted and absolutely unready to step into a truck cab which held the contents of my belongings, I nervously started the engine of the vehicle that would take me away from the surroundings that I would no longer call home. Intensive trepidation began to fill the interior of the cab as my hands hugged the steering wheel so tight that the blood supply was cut off and my nails dug deeply into the palm of my hands that the nails made skin abrasions. As I traveled into late afternoon, the sky grew darker and the rain began to fall. Already stressed with paranoia driving this big moving truck, the rain just added more intensive psychological torture. I glanced across the seats and watched my dog as she shivered with the fear trying to figure out what the hell was going on as she could sense my fear of what was being played out in the drivers seat. At one point my panic seized me and my imagination went awry with visions of the truck door opening and my dog falling out due to not being strapped in. The overwhelming sense that I needed to pull over took control and I radioed ahead that I needed to stop and pull myself together as my reality was coming too fast with what was happening and I just needed to regroup and let the paranoia pass. I got out of the truck and ran swiftly to the mens room where I heaved the last of whatever existed of food in my stomach and washed my face, and as I stared into the mirror realized that some sort of chemical altering needed to be pursued and not just for myself.

While I pulled myself as together as I could in the bathroom, I reached for my phone to Google and see if I would be able to share my prescriptive tablet with my canine. Happily the news was good and I took the direction of how much to give her so I hurried back to that burly truck and crazily rummaged through my suitcase until I retrieved the little bottle that dispensed little white oval pills and took one out and shared it with my dog. Both of us guzzled enough water and swallowed with ease as the little white pill slid down and would soon begin to do it's job and melt away the fears, paranoia, panic and soften the emotional blow that change delivers, despite the fact that you asked for it. I then buckled her in and closed, locked, and opened the door several times to be assured that it would not come unlocked during our trek to the desert of my just reward.

I hiked myself back up into the cab, popped my Pepsi open, and gulped heavily hoping the caffeine would heighten my awareness. As my little white pill began to melt within, I eagerly anticipated the effects that would be happening soon. The truck lurched forward as we pulled back onto the wet and rainy highway and sped forward, both of us just waiting for the digested ingredients to take hold and smooth out the bumpy highway that we had been traveling. I knew if I let my thoughts drift into any form of mental contemplation I would open the floodgates of tears and fears and I would just repeat the previous reactions and knew that I could not allow that to happen again. Luckily I began to feel the drug effects and my intensity began to release and I could see that same effect on my dog as she slipped softly into a calm sleep.

I realized at that moment that we made quite a team from the chemical comfort zone that slowly wrapped its cocoon of safety around us. We drove on for another two hours before the need to sleep took hold. Those past two hours were a blank stare into the night and the shiny wet black tarmac just melded into the never ending cloudy night sky. I truly needed a physical and mental shutdown. I never imagined myself a "trucker" yet here I was driving one. Inside it's storage there was packed a mess of contents that represented that part of me, guilty of needing worldly possessions to create the comfort zone known as home.

Calling "breaker,breaker" it was time for some rest, as I could see the flashing neon lights that beckoned me to pull in and rest for what was left of the night. I guess you would have to call it a truck stop.....for it was here that I would silently melt down and pray that I would wake up the next morning and know that I had just had a bad dream and that it was not the reality that I had asked for. Perhaps it was a left over nightmare from another place and time, and as I laid my head on that pillow, I glanced sleepily toward the half opened curtained window, I saw the bright red and orange neon sign outside spell out the words "TRUCK STOP" and I and my pup, at that point, readily agreed as sleep invaded our conscious for the next eight hours.
The unfortunate thing was that big mechanical giant was still beckoning to us as we opened the door the next morning............So much for the idea of a previous nightmare as reality had made it's appearance once again.

It was fact for sure, as the wheels of that big truck began their cursive stride barreling down the highway toward our new horizon that we would soon call home.
Copy That Breaker....10-4....Over ...

MY PICTURE PUZZLE

I came across a cache of photos today and as I took the time to go through them I once again traveled back to a time where the people images in the pictures were very much present in my life. Sad to say that most are no longer in or around my life and while there is a pang of sadness I realize that time has separated us and different roads took us to highways of life choices which took us to places far apart. The old saying of "out of sight is out of mind" rang loudly and awakened my sleeping hard drive.

My mood suddenly changed while I moved through the stack of images and with the music that played off in the distance, I became attuned to the fact that I sat alone. I drifted innocently back and felt the emotions that came with each photo. The smiles and obtuse poses and scenery possessed its own sacred feeling of yesterday's. It was as if each little moment of past time was extracted from files that were long ago locked away.

The secrets that we all once shared, I always find them in my memories. In times like this present moment I revel in the fact that all is locked inside of me and it can spill out and surround me with the splendor of "remembering". It is sometimes difficult for me to let the past slip in as it disrupts my present activities and ignites a yearning to relive what once was and will never be again. As each file displayed its content of memory I could feel the tear ducts begin to quiver and then my vision became blurred by the moisture that began to drip down my face. How was it that we all slipped away so easily? I write continuously about change and within each sentence of my word reality I know just how easily it was for me to sock away the past and get distracted by tomorrow.

Now that I am alone and my world is about to end as I know it in the present I feel the glow of the past in a much more appreciative view. Somehow it all feels like coming home and feeling the joy of family in your midst. While I never had the "relative family" I know more fervently now that my friends had become my family unit. As in any family there are those relatives that pass away and are no longer present yet you still carry the precious thoughts that once resonated with life. The dysfunctions, arguments, love-hate scenarios all existed to cement the bond that creates a family. I don't think I ever gave that much thought at the time but my age clarity has brought it to me full circle.

There are certain people that I miss and others that remain unnecessary, yet all in all each one became a piece in my picture puzzle. The friends that I hoped were to be of friendship longevity have begun to fade and flicker with the time due to their own choices of destiny. It is the inevitable ebb and flow of life relationships, and a realization that is sometimes hard to swallow.

When those poignant times of mind games appear, I open the bottle of bittersweet wine from yesterday, and I sip it slowly, savoring each memory while I fit the pieces of my picture puzzle together .... and remember when I made those memories with whom I shared.

CHANCE OF A LIFETIME IN A LIFETIME OF CHANCE

I slipped quietly out the back door gate to take my daily five mile walk leaving my sleeping pup unaware of my disappearance, and as I zipped up my jacket I could feel the brisk nip of cool fall air as it surrounded me. I began to take notice of the brilliant colors of the leaves that hung on the limbs and branches and could almost feel their energy as they held on for the last moments of their colorful life. Soon those leaves will fall to the ground and be swept away by the October winds and brushed away by the street sweepers. They will leave behind the naked branches to prepare for the next renewal of spring where new buds would burst forth the next generation of color for all to see. While it seems like a scenario we all just take for granted, we should just stop and realize the magnitude of how much energy it takes to keep that cycle moving. To realize such a life cycle would give us a much more profound understanding of how much energy it takes to renew and to grow each day.

With each step I took I began to feel surrounded by an awareness that seemed to be following me and prodding me to dig a little deeper for the clarity of my visionary happening. As I turned the corner I could hear some people talking rather loudly and as I passed them I heard one of them enthusiastically exclaim "Wow, what a chance of a lifetime!" My pace continued quickly to move past them but for some reason I could not let go of the exclamation that still resonated in my head. It kept being repeated in my head and even got repeated backwards. Suddenly I realized that when it was repeated backwards it became the answer to the statement. In other words, if we really take the "chance of a lifetime then we take it and live it in a lifetime of chance" My moment of clarification had arrived!

Yes....my chance of a lifetime always became another chapter in my lifetime of chances. I really have taken chances in my lifetime and they have shown me the way to live my life. My choices have steered me to the realization that my life has always been much like the leaves on the trees. My seasons always came and left and there was always change pending. I know that soon I will be feeling new earth under my feet which would be leading me to the new roads I would very soon be walking. I will be naked like the branches and limbs of the trees until I soon experience the new horizons and surrounding scenery in a warm landscape.

Realizing that each and every day that arrives is my next chance of a lifetime and actually living that day to it fullest creates my lifetime of chance. Within the core of my being I will always be waiting for my next season to arrive signaling me to drop my leaves and watch my past be swept away. The renewal will then begin again and I will dig my roots in becoming grounded till the next seasonal appearance.

In every change I have encountered I have left behind past memories, friendships and unsolved energies that have yet to be solved, but all in all taking the chance to stand out of the present forest helped me to see what was needed to continue or to just leave behind what was no longer necessary. I am beginning to understand the true meaning of letting go and let come what may, and in doing so it had created the most amazing amount of freedom without boundaries. I can connect the dots and watch the game of life play out before me. Risk no longer holds past or future fears just an incredible amount of present that offers me one more day and another chance of a lifetime.

So.......get on with it.......take your chance of a lifetime........it's called LIFE!

WHERE AM I GOING?

With the fall comes that indecisive month of September, that wishy washy month that will determine the outcome for the following months of weather and mood changes. It signals the time for all people to return to the inside of their homes and begin to settle in for the long haul of cool and damp air space. From my windows the display of falling leaves have begun to litter the yard in colors of orange , gold and brown.

Like a quilt of autumn debris that will soon turn to the color of dirty matte brown.
For some reason this always brings about some sort of panic for me as I begin to feel trapped within the confines of cool and wet weather fronts. The southern blood that courses throughout my veins is not adaptable to the grey skies and hidden sun that permeates my surroundings in the fall and winter of my residential status.
There is a bright spot though that has begun to present itself in a soft glow that hopefully will cloak me in the warmth that I have missed these past eleven years.

While the idea of going toward a new living area is enlightening, I know there will be a stack of decisions that will have to be made in order to bask in it's realm. Of course nothing is easy. There will always be decision's that will need to be made no matter what choices one makes but within each new horizon I see there lies uncertainty. Having the youth factor at one time certainly clouded the direct view of realities that could show up, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish for that cloud to appear to distort any awareness of those lurking uncertainties. I know that my numerical age should account for the knowledge to think things completely through before the leap of faith, but my mental age wants to jump and release the fears that age has made present. It is a fight for some sort of mental complacency and in some strange way I have an insight to just let it all fall in the direction to where it is going and stop fighting the horrible need to control it all.

The truth of the matter is control is an illusion I use to stop from having people make any decisions for me. I will admit it is not my best trait, but each day that passes by destroys the control joystick a little more. It shows up every now and then but does no harm except to frustrate me in having to let go one more time and just let it all be. Inside this grabbag that I call my mind, I ask that repititve question "which way is clear". The answer is always that no matter where I will go I will meet myself there.

If I look deep inside me what will I see from experiencing these life changes? Hope,Anger,Doubt,Exhiliration,Fear,Happiness,Lonliness,Security,Insecurity......in other words...just normal ME. SO now I can truly be asked the question:
"Where Am I Going" and my new found answer will be "You Tell Me"!

THE SHOW GOES ON

At three in the morning I had the pleasure of taking my dog outside for some early morning duties and through the fog of sleep still resting on my eyes I looked up into the sky and noticed a bunch of shooting stars, one after the other, flying through the night sky. For some reason I watched as my dog looked up into the night sky also and I wondered if she got to witness the same phenomenon.
I took the position to believe that she did as she walked over to me as if to say "Did You See That". I patted her furry head and asked her the same question she silently asked me and with a paw she handed me, readily agreed it was quite something to see. I found myself in one of those amazing life moments when I realized that this memory will never leave my mind and the emotions felt throughout the scene will reach within my heart so strong that whenever I recall the memory it will be relived as if it had just happened.

We both sat on the cool damp grass and as she laid her head in my lap, I realized that no matter what happens in life and the people and pets who filter in and out of my life, the show goes on and I still require the center seating to embrace it all.

The galactic extravaganza that I witnessed put my view into quite a different perspective. My little human form cannot compete with the space that surrounds me on a daily basis which goes virtually unnoticed by the noise that spatially takes my focus away from the present moment. Perhaps it is the fact that age has gracefully allowed me to succumb to paying closer attention to the most incredible things. It doesn't matter how I became aware, the point is that I have become more aware and I don't want to miss anymore of the things that move my heart and make me realize how fortunate I am to actually be alive in this dimension of present time. As I sat in that cool morning air I began to clearly recognize how infinite time really is.

For most of my life I have had the gift of knowing that at some other time I have been on this plain of life before. I have been given the gift of knowing information ahead of time and the sense to pay attention to most of the information. Through my most impetuous times I will have to admit that chaos and focus strayed me from time to time but I always knew better but just had to find it out myself. Now it is more important than ever to readily embrace the information and listen carefully to what is being said inside my brain and connect the dots to the heart field. Running all my bases has landed me to a home base.

At my home base I can see the big life stage that will play out the next few acts that I get to star in during my seasonal autumn run. I can only hope that I will get a winter run also, as I have clearly stated that clause in my life's contract. I get top billing as long as I recite my lines cleverly and not wander off my marks. I don't think there will be any teleprompter to give me my cues of what to say or how to act. The only thing I am going to depend on is my brains hard drive that encompasses the huge amount of memories and realities that will create the dialogue that will deliver all the future lines that will garner me the life award for most awareness.

After some time and stillness, my pup and I got up and slowly walked back inside the house and as I shut the door, sheltering me from that vast open sky, I received the message loud and clear. The show does go on every second of everyday. Within the moments that you have taken to read this, stop and take a look at the show that you star in and ask yourself "Am I delivering the lines that have been written for me by someone else or am I reading the lines from the "Book Of ME". Just taking a few moments to ask that question has made you take a closer look at yourself if only for a brief time.

So now...begin to take the time to audition life in a new light and when you get your call back remember that there is a shooting star out there with your name attached ....so watch for it........it goes on forever illuminating your life!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

It occurred to me the other day when asked the question of "What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life" that I could not possibly answer with specifics of a definite plan. So much is waiting to be challenged and every day something new is added to the list of life things that take hold of my awareness daily. If I was given an assignment to actually have to put together some sort of outline for the rest of my life, I think I my mind would split into pieces and I would become more of an anxiety freak. Not a trait that I like to admit to but it pretty much sums up how I feel when I want to accomplish any and everything. To cram a full twenty four hours of accomplishments into one day has always seemed to be my daily goal. It is all I can do to stop myself as the clock strikes midnight.

I hate to waste my conscious time by not fulfilling every precious moment that I am awake. While sleep knits up the raveled sleeve of care of most people, my dreams just create new wants and desires that I want to get started on as soon as is possible. The creation of all my ideas definitely started as a child when I recognized that I could dare to dream and watch the realities all unfold as the years progressed. I do recall ever so vividly when my first dream of desire became a reality that is still very present in my life.

I can't seem to find a cognisant moment when I did not have some thought of tomorrow. When things seem overcrowded, over extended and almost overwhelming, I still seem to find a moment to create a new hope. Almost everyday in my field of work I talk with so many people who, if ever asked this same question, would not be able to answer with a clear direct response due to the responsibilities that keep them in a twenty four hour mode and not much is recognized beyond that time period.
It has all been a creation of their own reality choices and there is never enough time to sit down and research the future when so much depends on getting by each day. How could anyone see over the mountain of today's responsibility.

It is difficult in understanding how we all get lost in the present when the real gifts are there for the taking in our future. We all have to keep reminding our self to sit still and listen to the silence that rises over the mountain of the unknown and feel the desires that yearn to be reality.
Whatever you want to do for your life will only happen if you create the effort to move reality into the choice everyday. Never letting up on it and diffusing anyone who dares to take it from you by negative words or actions. If you feel it truly within then let it happen and the results are powerful.

There have been plenty of times when it seemed that life was not playing fair. When the fires and embers would die out I would always realize that I was not playing fair with myself because I did not pay close enough attention to the signs that were there all the time trying to lead me toward a better route than the selfish one that I got lost on. The one thing that always stands out for me is the fact that whenever there is down time I will always find myself searching my mind for something to get working on and not stop till I have completed my desire.

In these days of housing homicides and maniacal monetary depletion's there is enough unrest and disappointment resonating in the air and I have been trying to avoid getting sucked in to the madness. I depend greatly on my imagination to take me to new heights that rise above the craziness that surrounds us all.

So when I ponder the question of "What Am I Doing The Rest Of My Life" I guess I can truly answer that I will take each and every day and pour into it enough hope, desire, fantasy and reality that will transition me into the next day asking the same question .......what am I going to do with the rest of my life here in the present....which always gives way to my future....answers.

INTROSPECTIVE

Inside my jumbled caricature of a mind, lately I have been shaking my head in total confusion and when I do move it back and forth, I could swear that I hear the rattle of broken pieces of ambiguity. It is a bit unnerving considering the fact that I have no idea of how the broken pieces got there in the first place. I mean, I don't recall at what time everything became fractured. It had been a clear focus to try and peruse through those memory files to see if I can at least come up with a day and time that everything cracked. It appears to be ridiculously abstract to even attempt to understand when everything changed as it is not going to solve the reality as it is now. The logical approach would be to just accept the noise inside my head and just avoid focusing on it and begin to replace the pieces with a more solid vision of new life plan.

In stating the obvious answer, it does not make it any easier to arrive at a definitive plan of attack. In the days of my youth, it all seemed so simple and easy. Whatever you set your mind toward a goal, almost magically that goal post would appear, or so it would seem. In one of the files marked "adult only" it clearly spells out in relative terms that it did not happen as quickly as it seemed to. When looking back into the past an amazing feeling overshadows everything that is present. It is at that time when you feel safer in the nostalgia and think that it was much better then. Sadly you later find out that it was no different, except now you are older and the awareness supersedes the past every time. It is how you accept that truth that will determine the forward movement in your life.

I truly have to admit how much I adore the warm fuzzy feelings of yesterday. All the energy I had, the people I knew, the excitement of traveling and the pure joy of not knowing what the next day would bring. I loved letting my fingers reach into the many pies of curiosity. I tasted the sweetness with each bite of success, and got high from the life energy that came with it. No matter how many doors appeared, I eagerly awaited opening everyone of them. The many doors that I entered held overwhelming amounts of knowledge, some enlightening, some distasteful, but most provided the vast amount of information that now has brought me to the crossroads that I have arrived at. I look around at the present day and cannot locate any of the doors that I so want to venture into.

Perhaps this is caused by age, and its ability to now second guess everything due to the realities of the many rooms I found myself in earlier in my life. It is one thing to have ventured into anything innocently but the demon of intelligence sticks his fork into the balloon that once held naivete. Out spills the contents that once shrouded me in some kind of impetuous safety.

I have always wanted to think of myself as not being like the group of others and my life experiences could never coincide with anyone else, but alas that is a falsehood. That prevarication was solely created by me trying to rise above it all, and vigorously trying to stay afloat. I never wanted to run a race that I couldn't win and control. So how is that for attitude? I think the word humble must fall in line at some point. It is the realization that everyone at this staged age of life must experience to complete the cycle of life and all its awareness from the past to the present day. Now I understand the reason we like to remember the past as it holds you in it's arms protectively and I feel serene because I already know the outcomes. Risking things later in life is harder due to the fact that I feel that there is not enough life time left in order to regroup should my decision go awry. Enclosed in that pattern of thinking is nothing but uncertainty that was there all the time, it's just that I never took the time to see it due to the urgency of the plan that I set out to complete.

The meaning of hindsight now is blatantly understood and more reflective truths explain the confusions that once plagued the uncertain future. I try now to hold on to the belief that by asking for the answers that the universe will deliver them when it is ready to happen. Instinctively I will know at that moment when the time has come to step out of this box that surrounds me. So many ideas form daily and each one silently planned out, yet no affirmative action has been taken.

For right now, in keeping with reality that timing has not stepped up to the plate yet, I will keep researching my daily hearts desire and make mental notes to take a further in depth perspective when my surrounding realities dictate that the time has come to act.

My introspective attitude will soon wane and will soon become one with my future destinies. That new space of time will lead me then to be restrospective.
That is a view I really look forward to seeing.

REVELATION

This evening I had a most clarifying revelation. Much like the discovery that a kitten becomes a cat or that there really was no Santa Claus, perhaps not the best examples but just the same it stood out and I finally took great notice. In all life experiences I have found that reasons compel me to make decisions that may not coincide with someone else's view or opinion. My decisions at that moment of time were just that,... decisions that were based on the Now of Then. I somehow began to lose some part of me when I was making decisions based on pleasing someone else and not myself.

I accepted situations that were not of my making and refused to disturb the calm waters even though I hated the situations it put me in. By the force of pressure and uneasiness I began to take back that part of me that I put away by my own choices. I look deep into my mind now and have realized the person that I used to be has been badly fractured by being a person that I truly cannot be anymore. There has not been a time when I did not express my frustrations by speaking out and coiling them internally has taken a brutal toll on the psyche called ME. I used to imagine how life would become and how Hollywood like it would all be when love came a calling. No one bothered to let you in on what happened after the lights went out, and that one you have to figure out yourself.

My sudden awareness came with insecure trepidation as I took back the first piece of what I put away long ago. Within the labeled box of "Memorabilia ME" lay some tattered and worn pieces of the person that I once knew Me to be. The pieces may seem dated and old fashioned but that fact is, that inside that box lay some of the truest and directed feelings that I had kept locked away for too long a time. I opened that box and brought out something that I kept hidden for fear of being alone and hurting feelings. It was then that I discovered that I was already feeling alone and had been walking the path by myself and hoping that someone else would board the dream train and create a new route into the rest of life.

I fervently held on to the hope that my presence would generate a desire to recreate a new tomorrow for two, only I realize that I can't fit into any one's unmotivated complacent scenario. Daring to dream beyond what is NOW is what I have strive for all my life and I can't continue to build false hope on to something that never really had a balance in the first place. I have always felt the bearer of weight and have allowed too much insecurity in waiting for something to come around to make it all flow smoothly. I know now that is not going to happen and I need to patch the remnants what I once knew as Me and move on to view the sun from a different horizon. Sitting by in a state of inertia is deadly to me and I realized that I am holding myself back from ME. It goes without saying that the risk is large when jumping into the darkness but I know that there will be another day of reckoning and I have to prove to myself that I still have the guts to plunge myself into a new tomorrow. Giving in to the fear is deadly, accepting the fear is the fuel that will get me from point A to B. What will spill in the wake of such a decision is anybodies guess, however I will try to refrain from taking a look back and just move forward, holding strong to the conviction that I am following my internal guide and whatever will be...will be.

To stand up and make a noise so that people will hear you, is not a task for the weary. Your usually standing there practically naked bearing yourself in a frantic way, all the while hoping that your making a connection. When you see that you made the point,and it hit the target, suddenly you become the bad guy and the questions surrounding your podium stance are challenged causing you to rethink your opinion, except finally you realize there is no going back. To backslide would result in inserting more of the real you back into that damn box still stuffed with the past.

The future can scare anyone who may have the guts to think ahead. Just looking into a tomorrow provides the hope that a plan will arrive and guide me safely to my next landing. I don't want to be afraid anymore to pick up the jumbled pieces and refit them into a much different picture puzzle, one that has no borders or restrictions. The picture would represent the person that I once knew and not the person who was once uncertain of tomorrow.

NOW when I sleep I have come to the revelation that my dreams are dreamed just so that I can see how real the dawn is. The revealing light of the new day will most certainly help me keep my focus for a new future with no binds or restrictions.

BY THE TIME I GET TO PHOENIX

If you decide sometime to change the things that are driving you crazy and strike out on the trails to wherever your fate leads you, always remember to keep the faith that change is good for the soul as well as the mind. I have pondered the search for a new direction for several years, and the time has come to now put up or shut up.

Making excuses to stave off the inevitable is the most common thing to do when major decisions are needing finality. Delaying them only makes it more confusing.
Second guessing gets in the way when holding back and the book of contents housing your desires becomes a boring repetitive story that most everyone is sick of hearing.

As for myself, here I sit in the very warm sunshine, with the temperatures soaring up the thermometer and my body feels ignited by the thoughts of everyday sun that arrives here on a daily basis. The mere thought of rain dampens my sun filled mind and still I sit here and write with the smallest amount of trepidation that seeps in while I plan my escape.

In the confines of my mind, there lies the missing piece to finish the puzzle of this impending change. I can feel it within but still it remains elusive as I strike out for the answers to solve the mystery of the private fears that spring up when least expected. It is not like I have not chosen this direction of desire before but it is only now that I readily perceive the patterns that have once again began a dissolution into what is now unchallenged in the game of my life.

I have been reminded by friends that life identity appears at some time for everyone who take a long look at daily living habits. I vividly recall the events that transpired when I answered the previous call for a life alteration. The knowledge of such event plays into my inability to quickly move on the yen toward change. They say knowledge is power yet it also can leave you on the sidelines when making another decision based on the experiences of the last familiar scenario. I definitely try not to let the past interfere with my tomorrow yet inadvertently it makes a presence as if monitoring my every thought.


I truly believe that whatever you desire, so it shall be, which has been proven to me on more than one occasion. Taking the initiative to make the first step will send you down the path to where you want to be. Information and awareness will pour out from every direction and I know that holding the focus on the goal post, will inevitably score the touch down. No matter how many books I may read on self help and psychology, the main point to all of that reading is "self directive" ergo the words self help. No one is going to do it for me, ultimately the oars are in my hands.

As I sit back and look into the clear blue sky I understand that old adage phrase more succinctly now: "on a clear day you can see forever"
There are no clouds that can mar the view into your soul, and deep into the blue clear space, lies a limitless amount of the unknown just waiting to be discovered. As human as it is we still thirst for the answers to our unknown and answer the call to find what may be beyond our own personal space.

Timing is a necessary evil in matters of responsibility to one's future. In just a matter of time I will be taking my pen in hand, in fact I have already bought my square of post it notes and eagerly await writing the messages of goodbye.

I will leave those post-it notes hanging on all the doors from my "pending" past.

Flashback to 1967..... and the song hit: "BY THE TIME I GET TO PHOENIX":
I envision myself driving away.....the sun will be rising. Later friends will be rising and find the notes I left hanging on their door. They will laugh when they read the part that says I'm leaving, as I said it all.... oh...so many times before.................
I guess, even I didn't know if I would really go!

DIO COMME TI AMO....the memory

It was another usual rainy night as I made my way from the birthday party and swiftly shut the door to the car in order to stop the rain from coming in, as the water droplets began to run down my face. I wanted to start cursing the weather gods for another depressing rainy night and swear once again that this would soon be the last of the dampness that would infiltrate my body, knowing surely that there would be many more wet situations that lay ahead...... on that you could depend on.
As I made my down the road toward home the shuffle on the Ipod landed on a song that quickly removed the dampness I felt from the rain and suddenly warmed my soul with such vivid memories that dried all the droplets on my face. In response to the memory a different form of water began to slide down my cheeks as if the physical waterworks had been turned on full force. The lyrics slid into the music that transported me back into time. How I made it home is still a mystery as I have no recollection of the trip because my realities were elsewhere.......................
...................................................................................

We had to hurry and catch the train as the home surroundings where we stayed were getting a bit confined and Europe beckoned for us to take the next adventure that we had come to experience. With a quick and decisive idea we hurriedly ran to catch a train as we still had pockets full of memories that were still waiting to be made. In the last moments before the train left the station we assuredly found a private car where we settled in for the four hour chug into the sunset toward the country of Holland. Taking in the deep breaths for the sigh of relief of making the train on time with seconds to spare we knew that there needed to be libation ingredients to celebrate our next segment of the European adventure. As we sipped on our drinks we witnessed the sunset across the miles of land that spun around us as we made our trek into the fields of tulips toward the city of Amsterdam.

As is par with our longevity of friendship there is always a secret surprise that is lurking out there for us to share, and we both knew it would be just a matter of hours before something would show up for us to experience, and of course we were not to be disappointed. Upon arrival we made our safe journey into the bright city lights and made our way to the hotel that would most assuredly remember that we had stayed there. The excitement danced in our eyes as we took the time to refresh and renew ourselves before we made our stroll into the hubbub of Amsterdam, for it was a Friday and the weekend approached and how we hoped for the fun that was just around the corner. It had truly been a very long day and the energy that was in the air gave us second wind to take in the view of what would lay ahead for us. I quite simply remember the joy that I felt as I watched VonFuerstenberg strut the streets that we would call home for just a little while. As his blond hair blew in the Dutch air on that cool evening, I so recall the picture that was indelibly inked within my mind of that moment of time that held it's place in the now of then.

It may have been called the "Hotel New York", it however had it's unique European flavor and we became the controversy that would go down in the annuals of hoteldom. Yes,...we had arrived...they evidently did not get the memo....however we made it our goal that nothing would stop the "silliness express" route that we were truly traveling on. What would come after that would just become the icing on the cake.
We walked and we walked and I showed him the sights of some of the places that we would be visiting the next morning and as we made our journey back to the hotel we both agreed that the morning would hold all kinds of shopping experiences. The adrenaline that still ran throughout of beings made it a difficult scenario to beckon to the sleep that was greatly needed and thus began the first round of uproarious laughter that would garner us some reprimanding in the morning as we joined the hotel for the free continental breakfast. Evidently the other guests did not appreciate our joy and laughter and thus we were directly asked to tame it down for respect to the other guests. It was all we could do to not bust out in a duet of laughter but we held it together and made a promise to be more considerate....however that was not to be.

As we exited the hotel we made our next stop the local bakery for the scrumptious sweets that held the magic of hash within its ingredients and decided that a trip to the Bulldog cafe would provide us with the extra ingredients that would make our further shopping experience one to never forget. As the effects of our bakery items began to take hold and with the bag of green that aromatically followed us, we decided to indulge and get lost in the thousands of shoppers and stores that beheld all the items that spoke to us as we walked by each storefront window. Each place we entered held many things that caught our attention and with the guards of logical spending on hiatus for a while our shopping extravaganza flourished out of control. The many packages continued to grow throughout the day and as we stopped for a lunch break and miscellaneous cocktails along the way, our arms became leaden with the weight of all that we had to carry during the afternoon of spending.

Not wanting to give it up and give in to the physical tiredness that quietly crept over us, we trudged back to the hotel to rejuvenate and prepare for the nights adventures that lay ahead of us. We quickly unloaded the weight that we had been dragging around all day and barely could find the floor of the room. After the refreshing drinks were stirred we proceeded to give each other the personal fashion show of our purchased loot and once again the laughter erupted beyond control. The time still held it's waning daylight so we both hoped that it was not annoying to anyone, as the laughter became so very uncontrolled, as it always becomes when the two of us are together.
Onward to the preparation of showering and primping for the Dutch people who were to soon to make our acquaintances. After what seemed to be hours of clothes changing we made our final preparations into the night of neon lights and ambiance. Our strolling took us to the red light district where we witnessed the decadence and debauchery that money could provide for anyone who wanted the thrill of anonymous affection. Amused and awed we finally made it to the restaurant of Italian cuisine that held the culinary effects that settled sweetly on our palates and the ambiance of the restaurant created the perfect setting for what lay ahead for us. "Vonfuerstenburg" being the great cook himself exited the restaurant with a five star grin and we made our first stop for our after dinner aperitifs. The night's outside energy was exhilarating as many people were enjoying the calm balmy evening also. As we walked we were drawn to the loud singing from a pub across from the street and as we made our first entrance we were welcomed by everyone where we shared our drinks and sang to the fevered pitch that permeated the room from every ones vocal skills. We certainly got caught up by the excitement in the room and stayed for quite a while, yet we wanted to move forward to what might lie ahead for us.
With our trusty map we located the Route 66 and settled in for the remainder of our night. The bar was small and local which made it easy to speak with the many local patrons and got suggestions and ideas for the next few days of intrigue.

Stepping out of the bar as it closed it's doors, we both realized that it was too long of a walk back to the hotel so we made our way to the main street to hail a cab for our ride back to the comfort of bed. As is usual after a night of liquidity, the need for a late night snack grew imminent and I suddenly remembered the "Automatic Barbarella" that was two streets away. Much like the days of the eatery in New York called the "Automat" you dropped your coins into the desired selection of food and the door slid open for retrieval and suddenly another took it's place. Within the line of other hungry late night guests, we dropped our Dutch guilder coins into the designated choices and staved off the hunger pangs that consumed us for those few minutes, yet we still had to catch the ride that would deliver us to our sleeping environment. With flailing arms and jumping around we managed to procure the cab that would take us on a ride to hell and back.
It started off simple enough by telling him the name of the hotel, and before we could get out the last syllable and the doors completely shut, a stomp on the gas pedal sent us flying down the brick cobblestone streets wet with the mist of rain that began to drizzle as we left our eatery. Slammed against the seat and clinging for dear life as we slipped and slid down the streets toward our destination we feared the worst was about to happen within the confines of the cab from hell. As fate would have it, the streets that we needed to go down were closed for maintenance and clean up and we had to reroute down worse and smaller streets and the ride became a sheer terror as we clung together hoping for a safe outcome. Our stifled screams turned into hysterical fearful laughter as we rocked back and forth and side to side in the backseat. The look on our faces was utterly astonishing as we silently spoke with our thoughts and the trepidations were transported by silence. We spun and slid from curb to curb down those cobblestone streets and prayed that upon our arrival we would exit those cab doors still in one piece. With one last turn we slid to the front of the hotel. As we preyed our fingers from the grasping of the seats we made our way out of the cab and kissed the ground that we lived thorough
that "roller coaster ride from hell".

We stood frozen for a few moments after we paid the fee and waited for the shock to wear off for. Upon entry into the room, the effects had taken hold and once again the rupture of hysterical laughter took hold and began to grow louder until we tried stifling them with our pillows which barely reduced the volume of such magnitude. It would become another long night and before our eyes fluttered to sleep, we could see the sun making it's entrance as another day was dawning....We did live to tell!

Our excursions for the next couple of days only added to the memories and crazy instances of happenings that culminated into many wonderful stories. We were asked to move our room in the hotel as our ubiquitous presence still reverberated throughout the walls on those many nights. So down to the basement we went, along with the pipes and the tiny windows that showed the many feet of the people walking by. To say it was bad was not something true as we just went with it and realized that we had been given another step closer to the exit door. We survived and still the laughter flowed. The pure enjoyment of washing some articles of clothing and leaving them on the warm pipes to dry just added to the fate that we were living through. Museums and more shopping prefaced the nights of pubs and bars. Van Gogh became Van Hock with a bit of flem attached and separations to explore on our own reunited us with stories of new found information that we shared and revisited together. As our Dutch days melted away we prepared for the next segment of our journey and Germany became our next focus of disruption, but little did we know what lay in store for us. The quarters that we had in that basement of the Hotel New York would become the shangri-la unrecognized until our arrival in Koln.

The train station was a flurry of activity as we gathered our pounds of luggage and new bought goodies and boarded the train to Germany. We settled into our compartment and took advantage of the motion that lulled us into relaxing after many days and nights of non stop activity. After having a bit of lunch and a cocktail we silently watched the scenery fly by and quietly anticipated what laid ahead. It was a smooth and quick trip to Germany and we arrived refreshed. As was the case from country to country we had to exchange our monies to meet our spending needs and that was the first problem that greeted us upon our arrival. The exchange bank short changed us and there had to be a recounting of the money after the bank hours to insure that we had told the truth which was infuriating but the choice was not to be ours, so we ventured onward to our new Hotel digs. What we would encounter in what was to be called a Hotel was underwhelming and quite honestly a bit frightening, yet we persevered and just went with it. Why, I still wonder to this day, have no idea why we just did not find another place but alas it was not to be. We just wanted to get on with our exploration and shopping.
We entered the hotel from a back side door that you had to enter. It led you through a bar that was dimly lit and it held the most interesting cast of patrons, that seemed straight out of a "CABARET" style movie. Inclusive of the weird characters dressed in drag costumes, big wigs and jewelry. The smoke that filled the room was so very thick that you could barely find your way through the room. When we were taken to our room and when the door opened we confirmed our worst fear of disgust.
Yet we still settled on it and agreed that it would be just for one night only...if we survived it...you just can't imagine the uncertainty of it. We set our things down and hoped that if we left that everything would still be there when we returned.
Since we were only going to be there for a couple of days, we both had decided that staying away from our room until we absolutely had to return was the best approach so we left and met up to retrieve the money that was not given to us, and much to our happiness they found the overage and gratefully returned the money. With delight we went off to celebrate with a great dinner and drinks. By the time we had finished eating it was time to visit the local pubs. We stayed out late dreading the moment when we had to return to the "CABARET" hotel. Our biggest fears were that our belongings were stolen and that we had to make our way through that smoky Dragville pub in order to get to our rooms.
Fearful to undress when we made it to the room and decided that keeping our clothes on to sleep was the better choice. We tried to make the best of the situation but the loud music kept us from any sleep that tried to come our way. Every diva female singer blasted through the walls as it seemed the drag show had no ending. Finally, silence arrived as the sun began to rise. We listened as the walls fell silent and then we heard the trudging of feet up the stairs and many voices as they made their way to their rooms with the conquest of the night. Replacing the loud music was now the constant coughing and cries of sexual activity that permeated the halls for the next few hours. We were living a nightmare in Germany and clung to the hope that we would get out alive and unscathed. The matter of showering would bring on another dread and we took another option and decided a sponge bath would be the better choice for our health.
Hastily we cleaned up, checked out of Weirdoland and made our way back to the train station to store our luggage and items in the lockers, so that we could shop freely without carrying everything around for the day. After a lovely boutique breakfast, we set off to shop and tour the city.
While the sun shined on us, we acknowledged the horror of what we had experienced the night before and hope lovely the day had turned out to be. In and out of many stores and finding treasures we just had to have made for a fun memorable day. A cuckoo clock would be the first highlight of the day and a terrorizing visit to a marionette store would freak me out as the joke played on. We noticed a sign that stood out on the store front that read WOM (world of music)so we entered its doors and became overwhelmed with the vast library of records and discs for sale. We both got lost for a long while in this store and came away laden with music that would represent the memories we were making on our European Adventure.
The day flew by and we felt the exhaustive feeling of being tired and decided on a sun nap in the park by the river Seine. As we napped the warm sun enveloped us and renewed our strength to move forward as we had to catch a train that would take us back to our next country of adventure.
Settling in our private car and as we had our cocktails we opened our bags of treasures and examined and reminded ourselves how we found each piece. It was not long before we quietly settled down and gazed at the scenery that flew by our window. I put in a new CD that I had bought and magically blended into the whole scenario playing out before me.
I glanced across to where "VONFUERSTENBERG" slept in his seat as the ear phones in my ears played out the song that ignited the memory that I write.
DIO COMME TI AMO ...........oh god how much I loved that moment of time and having the person close that I will forever call FRIEND.

LITTLE WONDERS

During the past few months I have been in observance of many little things that never really captured me before. Realities usually going unobserved due to the facts of day to day chores and the constant focus on many other related issues that seem to drag your focus away from the small things. These small things get lost in the shuffle from one hour to another. More than usual, this weeks observance has been toward my dog, who with the simplest of grace is aging demurely and without notice on her behalf. The days of long brisk dog walks have ended and now we shuffle slowly and smell the grass and scents in the air longer. We take the same amount of time only our distance is now much shorter than before. At this stage of her life I realize that mother nature is dealing her hand swiftly and there is probably only a limited amount of days left that her life energy will sustain.

Everyday I hold in my emotions and try very hard to prepare for the inevitable day when she will have to leave me. Everyday I learn more and more about paying attention to the small things that she so innocently sees on her daily walks. It is because of her that I really understand the meaning of stopping to smell the roses and to get up and keep going even though you may not feel like it. Selfishly I am mad that I will have to endure the future days when her absence is felt within the confines of my heart. No matter how I prepare for the loss, it is by far going to be a very tall mountain to get over. In her eyes I can tell the things that she is thinking and everyday I receive more unconditional love and it feeds me the strength to know we are connected through an energy unseen by everyone else. The same things goes for anyone who has a companion of the canine genre.

These little wonders and truths all combine to form a better understanding of what life is all about to me, at least in this next stage of development. Gone are the days of immense chaos and stresses that seemed all so important and necessary. I often why wonder why it takes so long to figure out that paying attention to the smallest little thing can produce amazing revelations and insight into the tomorrows of your life. Now I take the time to remove the details that inflict and disrupt my mind and try to replace them with complacent ideas that mean much more than having to achieve more.
I have come to realize that my little wonders of today will be the realities of my tomorrow. I must admit that at times I am still confused and lost in the emotions of trying to figure out where to go next but then I look down at the figure laying on the floor, who sees me looking at her. Ever so gently she lifts her paw to signal me to come join her in a relaxing moment and put away the complex thoughts that are confusing me. As I slide down off my chair and remove my glasses her outstretched legs once again reach for me and I lay my head on her shoulders and my whole world melts away just hearing her breathe. She is totally unaffected by human responsibilities and enjoying the calmness and laying low for a while just letting time just move the moments are they are to be.

I feel her warmth on my cheek and feel at peace once again.... reminding me to take more time and experience the pleasantries of just being. Occasionally we both doze off for a while and when I awaken I seemed to have misplaced the reasons for feeling tense. I recognize what I have and where I have been more and more everyday and having her by my side has been the joy of not having to be alone through my transition to the tomorrows.

It's all in the thoughts that create the little wonders that end up shaping our futures. In a great way she saved me from myself and the destructive mind games I played. Each night as I carry her up the stairs to another night of sleep and rejuvenation, I look down at her sleeping by my bedside, and the wonder of our tomorrow hovers keeping me safe and hopeful that I will receive that dog kiss in the morning as we make our way outside to once again smell the scents of the new day.

CHECK OUT TIME

When I woke up this morning, I was all alone, stretched out in bed and wishing I was on a holiday, one thousand miles from home by some clear cool inviting pool. The sun's bright rays surrounding me like an invisible electric blanket. My half asleep mind vision had taken hold and totally enraptured me hugging every corner of my mind. I just did not want to have a cognisant view of another day filled with the monotonous repetitive hour by hour blows of my current daily life. The temporary suspension bridge of forward movement toward change is about to snap free and hopefully swing to the other side. If all goes well there will be new land underneath my feet soon with which to carve out a new trail of life experiences.

What I seem to find the hardest to understand at this point of time, is the fact that my timing of hopeful events seems to have been altered greatly since the half century mark of my years. It seems that most of my previous life experiences now dictate what pace any future decisions will be measured by. It is not that the previous life choices were a cause of regret, it's just that the experiences stand in the way of leaping into anything not cognitively thought through in a rational manner. At times I wish that my youth could make an appearance and short circuit my current realities so that I could once again feel the free spirited person that I once was. I know that the actual happening of such a mind trip will not be appearing any time soon. I believe that it will take a lot of digging underneath the layers of good and bad experiences to produce the little wonders of chance and circumstance.

Surrounded within the confines of my living space, which in itself is a new environment, I hear the reverberation of my mind ping off in true surround sound. The bouncing ping-pong effect is truly maddening and still I look for the door that has the exit sign above it, only it does not seem to be anywhere within my present view. Each night when I climb the stairs up to bed at night I say to myself that tonight something or a sign will appear in my dreams to jump start the engine of my soul and get back on the train to a more meaningful life. I have felt many, many times, that dreams are the karmic pieces of the puzzle of life. Each piece neatly formed to fit within the puzzle to paint the picture that my soul has neatly outlined. When I venture outside the lines the picture becomes a bit distorted yet I try to continue to color my life anew over and over again, with the hope that the one piece of the puzzle that is elusive will suddenly and magically appear and set me free from my own demises.

Imagine if you will, the feeling of being in a hotel/motel in the containment of the room that you have paid the price for. While everything may seem cozy and nice early on, there is still the element of unfamiliarity and a closing in of the walls after being there a few days when you settle in to the routines that you have set for yourself to follow. One day you sit on the edge of the bed, looking around the room trying hard to figure out what to do with the rest of the days left on the vacation.
No matter how hard you try it becomes hard to come up with an idea that is not repeated. The harder you try to bring forth an idea the more it eludes you. Yet in the small hours of indecisiveness you keep staring at the entrance door to your room and keep noticing the sticker that is placed on the back of it. While you may have an idea of what is says, you can't help reading it just the same.

Perhaps the wording is all too familiar and the price of the rates may be different for each room, there is no doubt that the statement that stands out above all others reads: CHECK OUT TIME IS - 1:00 PM

Upon acceptance of that one statement you now know that your exit strategy has a deadline to be met. As the final days of the holiday dwindle down you begin to question the fear of going back to what you left behind for only a short time. Logic tells you to let it end and let your clarity define you. For in the end the twists and turns of fate will always remain within. Those twists and turns will be the guides that will end up taking us once again to our next spatial room. There we will, reevaluate and find another door, with the same damn sticker on the back reminding us that CHECK OUT TIME is near.

By my experience , I realize that opening the door and stepping through it is the hardest part, now I just have to remind myself to close it and don't look back, and always face forward!

BLINDED.... BY THE LIGHT

I have been writing so much about personal life changes and the struggles that arrive almost daily. The time is nigh for moving on. Yet with every twist and turn that occurs when traveling down any road toward change and all that encompasses decisions and choices it does make you sit up and take notice. The insecurities can swallow you up and leave you battered and torn but they also make you aware in ways you never knew you would understand.

Everything from the weather, to the work situation, financial, emotional, personal,and friendships reflected in my demeanor of confusion. It certainly seemed all these things were being forced on me but in truth I had been calling on change and now it was all being universally answered at one time and the party line was a distorted mash of chaos that needed to be sorted out. The overnight sensation was caused by years of unhappiness that needed to be dealt with. I have always been keenly aware of the old adage "be careful of what you wish for" and yet only now the truest understanding rivets through me with a clarity unknown before now. Wise to the truth and stupid to the reality that plays out in the moments of now.

I look around and everything stands out as needing some kind of mental alteration. It's like viewing things one sided and then you walk around to the other side and the view is entirely different. It obviously is noticed more when you begin to take the challenge and start to create a better version of yourself. You have to let go of the past sectors that keep you reeled in instead of being cast out to hook yourself into a new direction for the growth of your tattered soul. It is something that all of us have to be aware of in order to find the happiness we all seek. Some of us have the strength to make it through the storm while others find it easier to never rock the boat for the fear of turbulent waters.

The thing is, for me anyway, was that I never lost sight of my lifeline. I hung on, at moments for dear life, and I just kept bobbing in the water till I found the buoy and then waited for the search light to find me again. The waters although turbulent were not that hard to tread and I endured the pain of keeping my head above water. The wake that it caused washed away a lot of past situations and friendships but it created a new stream path. The surroundings on each side of the bank look steep but the climb up will be a vision to behold. I can't afford to look down as the fear of falling can stall any forward motion. It is sad to look back and see remnants of people who were once in your life, and who provided some sort of positive energy in those past now moments.

With the absences and voids of former contacts, I find myself reaching further within myself and recognizing things that were so very apparent all along. The distraction of situations and the involvement of camaraderie enticed me to not look within myself for a lot of answers. The who, what, when, where and why's of my personal growth are now my Jeopardy categories in understanding the human side of me.

I still think I liked the innocent time when being a "STAR" on the horizon had a bright light attached to it and the obscured view made the search into tomorrow a most intriguing event. The outreaching arms of the future held so many promises and the friends all seemed to be there for me. Now most have faded away and few still remain. Those who have hung on know the ups and downs of friendships. In the good times and the bad times, there is an accounting for longevity. Price paid with acceptance and love and much understanding.

It is not for the weak of heart, this aging factor, but winds of change have definitely cleared the smog from my brain. Now as I stand poised to walk on toward the rest of my nows, I can see the light that is still blinding but the spectrum that resonates for my presence in this lifetime coerces me to stay focused on the beams. It's energy keeps me balanced and my attention is centered on the future of now.

THE LIFE OF RILEY

It would seem to most of us that our lives run in a parallel to most instances of life choices. Along with the people we love, the work that we do and the animals that we bring into our lives. The life choices take us down paths to directions of interests and desires and the people that we end up bringing into our lives to love were the guests along the highways we traveled to be where we are at the present moment. If we are lucky within all that we have discovered by living our hopes and dreams there often arrives a canine that delivers us the good feelings that are sometimes lacking in the human world. The mere thought of unconditional love can send many people running scared of what that entails, while the canines win that feat hands down and actually have absolutely no awareness that what they are doing is trying to set an example for us humans to follow for the betterment of society. I, myself have learned plenty about that from my canine companion and have become a better human by having her presence surrounding me on a daily basis. Through canine energy I have become more aware of what it takes to be a more loving person and at peace with what IS at most given moments.
It has been my privilege to have the presence of many pets in my life. All of them shared a dedication to me and I to them.

It was just a few weeks ago that a dear friend arrived for my services and in starting our time together I witnessed a very distressed and sad situation unfolding before me. The tears of unknown endings flowed from the eyes that usually held positive engaging conversations and knowledge. Information that would always smooth away the rough surfaces that were shrouding me at the time. My response, as a friend, was to immediately take away any and all of the pain that had caused the tears despite not knowing the exact cause of what it was. My response was immediate and I wanted my comfort to take away the sadness. Without really knowing for sure I had a sixth sense to know that there had to be some kind of animal involvement yet no confirmation of that had been spoken yet, still it was my first and foremost feeling.

Regaining a little composure, I took it upon myself to ask what was going on, and with abated breath her response entailed my first and worst fear that something was wrong with one of her favorite furry companions. As my heart fell laden with grief she began to explain through the vail of tears what circumstances lead to the unmasking of psychic composure. As the story spilled from her lips I could feel the emotions begin to surface within my own awareness from my past of a similar scenario. It was all I could do to hold back my locked waterworks cabinet but unfortunately the lock did not hold back the water that began to overflow down my face as she gave the final conclusive ending that was not to complete in a happy ending. My heart and my head began spinning with bereavement and I tried with all my might to regain my strength so she could lean on me for the time it would take to complete our scheduled meeting.
The moments of time that passed while we continued our conversation opened the path to a contemplative uneasiness of a realization that I needed to deeply think about. I could not relinquish the emotions that my friend was feeling and that had spilled over into my reality. I ended that day in a most peculiar mind set and it followed me back home and decided to make a place in my series of mind thoughts. It wasn't enough to feel sadness for the whole situation, yet for some reason it came with a new view of life's rotation of happiness and sadness. I could not shake the feeling that some unknown emotional path was being laid out and had no clue as to where it would end up for her as well as myself. One thing I knew for sure, that canines departure would be transcendental. There was some sort of presence that was making an appearance too early as if it was on some sort of time clock. My reason for stating this fact is because this pet was not the first to conclude their life early in the game of canine existence. It would seem through her eyes that something was truly amiss here, as the scene was unfortunately all too familiar to her. We both agreed that there was some kind of science going on that needed an immediate halt for any future happenings.

I couldn't make the repetitive thoughts leave my conscious as it just did not add up to anything that was not dismal. I would later find out that it was a comfortable and quick exit to the life that once held the name of Riley. Upon hearing the news of her pet passing I took my own private dog walk with my best dog friend. As we slowly made our journey I recalled the saying "The Life Of Riley" which made it's way into the slang term "You have the life of Riley".................................
eg: sensitive,aware,happy,loving,fierce,gentle,protective and a true friend that would stand up against all who caused undue harm" That described the personality of this dog story and it would pretty much sum up the same qualities that existed within this canine soul that left the earth plain too early.
Acceptance is a very difficult road to travel when choice is not yours to make. Biology, chemistry and love combine to make things happen beyond our control. It is not withstanding that my friend had a journey laid out for her willy nilly. The absence of presence is most difficult to accept, or understanding the why's of a sudden departure from a life that was immensely loved. The law of attraction will soon supersede the life exit that broke the heart that now needs to repair. To experience the healing moments is painful yet there will soon arrive another Karmic Canine to settle into his place in the life of Riley's. We all could only hope to one day feel that immense amount of love and caring that will fill the void that was left behind from such a quick exit. For if we were truly blessed in having that much love surrounding us then we would truly know the truest meaning of "The Life Of Riley".
I know it, as I got to witness it, and I still strive for it myself everyday.
SO... If you happen to be walking out on the beach and see a lumbering Bernese Mountain dog running toward you, don't be frightened, just embrace the view as it is the aura of The Life Of Riley showing you the way to the lovelight.

WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY HEAD???

It hasn't been the best of times lately, as a matter of fact it is as if a total explosion of all personal life things have broken into a million pieces of fragments encircling my head. Imagine if you look at the rings of a distant planet in motion and this ring of rock debris floats around it, constantly circling it in a gravitational pull. My head is the planet and all the rock fragments are my exploded relative emotions. Every now and then a fragment piece drops from the ring and lands at my feet. At that moment I feel it's strong presence and verify it's relative action. Then I relate it to something that needed to be addressed and then acknowledge it's awareness and kick it out of the way and wait the next piece to drop from the rotational ring of displaced emotions. I haven't ventured into this proverbial ring of space before so all the symptoms of uneasiness hover around me on a daily basis. I occasionally look into my visionary ring of fractured emotions and try to mentally pull them all back into one solid ring of complacency. However that challenge has not been completely met yet and I still have a few boulders that drop on me in any given day. It is mentally taxing but I am sure there is a reason for all this karmic undoing and redoing. I used to be the kind of guy who just leaped without fear or trepidation of of anyone or anything. Now at this age I know too much and look deeper into things than I ever did before and I come out of that mind awareness with a most insecure feeling.

How and when did all this take place is a question that I have been slowly answering a little bit day by day. The implosion physically, doesn't just appear instantly. The things that have lead me to this physical modification have been in the works for a long time and only now I have the freedom of extra time to face it. It has been much like a good drug, as it creeps up on you a little at a time. There is a certain kind of high in being so in control and then the drug is taken a way from me willy nilly and now I am left with a withdrawal that I never could have guessed would overtake me.
In various conversations with many friends and colleagues, I realize that I am not alone in this realignment of emotions and realities. I think it comes with the autumn haze that paints it's way into the soul of aged life space. The September of my years have had too many days of rainy weather conditions and too many nights lately of being awake and lost at four a.m. On those morose nights of silent slumber less scenarios, the quiet that rings loudly in my ears generates most unique conversations with myself. The view of things in the wee hours of the morning are truly darker before the dawn of realization appears. The horizon of accepted changes slowly rise to make it's new lighted awareness pierce through my eyes.

My floating gravitational ring of debris keeps beckoning me to move it away from my head planet. Silent thoughts encourage me to remove the doubts, unresolved issues, fears, and insecurities that keep the ring in a circular motion of momentum. I frantically search for the signs of any universal hints as to the where and what happens next. The hardest thing now is to just let it all go and calmly wait for the future to unfold in a peaceful secure way. I know that someone else has been sleeping in my head. Whoever that is, he just needs to be awakened and given notice to vacate for the new and more profound clear headed thinking tenant that is currently being redesigned. One rock at a time certainly makes for a more solid mountain when standing at the top and looking down on to what once was. My ability will be to clearly state and live by the sayings.....Passed is past....tomorrow is today! Now is really all we have to depend on.

M E T A M O R P H O S I S

It was never enough to accept things on an even winning keel, as it was always the challenge that was the high that I would get when searching for the goal post. After I crossed the line I would turn around and virtually always wonder what the big deal was in the beginning to get where I thought I needed to be. The ultimate challenge was the vision of the end and all the joy that would emanate from the finale, always appeared in the form of odd disappointment as the reality of the end was not at all what I expected it to be in the first place. It seems that I have spent most of my days in the throws of goal worship. Time and time again I reach them and they always seem eerily disappointing, as if I missed something along the route on the highway towards success. I always had the knack to plan and aim high and had what seemed to be the most direct route to a calm and peaceful existence. Yet at this moment of time and space I feel myself most disconnected and lost within my brainwaves that seemed to be misfiring.

As I start to rearrange my physical locale, I have the weirdest feeling that something is amiss and I cannot put my finger on what it is. The ultimate fantasy is to just put together a few things, put my dog in the car and just drive to places unknown in hopes of finding the new ME along the highways untraveled. The repetitive patterns of life at this time are an irritant that I can't seem to dismiss. It is like treading water and never getting to shore and there are no life jacket's readily available. The actuality of sink or swim resonates within my core being and screams silently inside my head to just let go and see what happens. Of course that would entail letting go of control and as much as I try to release that demon it still rears it's manipulative head and demands attention. Although not near as frequent as it once was, but it is still lurking around every endeavor or idea that seems to populate my mind at the moment.

I can remember a time when all seemed right for the taking and every turn beheld a new plan of attack. Now it seems that the person that I used to feel inside has left the building and has left no forwarding address to where I may reach him. I want to make trivial excuses as to why I feel like this, but they don't really explain anything. The mundane answers are just the common approach to satisfying the pain but does nothing to dissolve it. The bridges that need to be crossed seem distant and void but the urge to hunt for them is sadly waning.
It has been a long and most arduous journey the last couple of years and my gas tank is now reading "empty". I have sidestepped many pending disasters, worked myself out of the joy that once was called JOB, and peeled off the last layer that once kept my patience from getting lost. Now here I sit and write this oozing scenario and face the facts that life is not handing out candy and roses to me and I am mad at the changes that have been forced upon me. It is causing undue emotional harm and has splintered me into unrecognizable human flotsam. All those sharded pieces madly searching to reunite to form the ragged personality that I now feel houses within my physical being. My tears are fears of the unknown and my ducts are reaching an arid condition in the desert of uncertainty.
What does this all mean? I have absolutley no idea. Perhaps it is the physical pain that comes with maturity and recognition of needing a life change. I just can't come up with another reason other than seasonal "defective" disorder. Any change of life is certain to bring about discord with any impending METAMORPHOSIS.

OBSERVATION FROM A HIGH ALTITUDE

I sat on the plane awaiting the take off and watched the flow of humans as they strode down the aisle in search of their assigned seats. All of them glancing over the crowd of people who were already seated and totally unaware of the circumstances that each person silently carried with them to the destination that was so meticulously printed on their piece of paper that gave them the right to be aboard the aircraft that would fly them safely to their arrival gate. I wondered about how many of the people really cared about all who flew with them or if they were just focused on getting to where they were bound, either way I contemplated about how all the strangers would react if an emergency would occur in the air. I glanced around to find my exit bearings and carefully scanned the people surrounding me to sense with whom I would be entwined with should an event occur. I turned to look out the window and saw my tired reflection in the plexiglass window and took a good look and asked myself how I would react if something were to happen.
As we backed away from the gate I had become lost amidst the mind transit train that took me away from the reality that took place as the plane shook and suddenly leaped into the air gaining altitude. I had left my earth plane and now was being lifted to another plane that was not reality, but to a plane of realities that I had never ventured on in my conscious surroundings. That consciousness was left at the boarding gate and was somehow packed within the suitcase that was stored somewhere that I could not see. The face that stared back at me became an illusion which changed face structure as the plane danced across the sky. The light beams that shuttled in and out as the craft moved directions warmed my skin and melted the cold feelings that surrounded my momentary lapse of consciousness.
I felt myself slip out of the body which housed my brain and I found myself at the front of the airplane looking back into the crowd of people all buckled up with hope. The next few hours would tell if their hope would pay off or be challenged by a series of unfortunate events. Little did I know that the events to which I unconsciously assumed might arrive, began to take their shape into an illusion beyond my wildest cognitive realities. Desperately searching for someone I knew that might be aboard the craft, I felt myself walk the length of the plane toward the back to pull someone I might know into the situation that I found myself in. It was not to be however. Now as I turned from the back and looked forward my view of things had become immensely distorted and foggy as if a haze had blurred the forward vision I so desperately needed to connect with.
Everyone aboard had no clue as to what was happening within the confounds of my mind as I had taken, what I thought were great strides, to become invisible to the people who were surrounding me. I had thought of screaming to get attention and quickly extinguished that idea as too ridiculous. I somehow knew that an impending personal situation would be happening soon that should awaken the consciousness of every passenger aboard. Why did I have the knowledge of this upcoming scenario? I could not seem to connect with the brain waves to get the answer I so greatly needed.
My personal reality dilemma became infused into the haze that hung over everything that I looked at.
Quickly questions began pouring out of me and I could not harness them nor bear the pain that each delivered with it's pungent sting upon arrival into my mind. The panic that ensued sent shock waves throughout my entire being. All eyes suddenly were on me and I seemed trapped by my own self made demise. There was nowhere to run and no exit with which to leave through. The fleeting image of the person in the plexiglass was now distorted beyond recognition.
What transpired from that moment on would alter the course of my life as I once knew it to be before that walk down the gangplank in the the belly of the beast of aeronautical design.

How could it be that no one aboard knew me. I recognized more faces as I stared back at them all. We must have flown together before yet no connection of familiarity or memory was to be found. I was aware of flight passengers that are on your life flight for a while and then exit the gates and are never heard from again but it seems that all had gathered here on this flight for one last trip together. My emotions pierced my eyes as if a monsoon unleashed torrents of water that rained down my face and wet the plexiglass that held the image that unmercifully kept staring back at me.
What was happening to me and why did the oxygen masks drop from overhead? I needed air as the observing view took my breath away once more. Suddenly a blip of cognitive reality made me realize that the people on board were passengers with whom I shared bits of my life with at various times. These people shuffled in and out of my life each receiving what was needed in order for them to move to their next life destination.
It was hard to put names with the faces that stared back at me but I did recognize them and once again felt their presence in my life on this journey that unfolded before me. I hunted frantically for more people who I thought would have to be on this flight of mystery, yet they were not to be found. I grabbed the oxygen mask and breathed deep for some air to try and help pull me back to observe and hope they might magically appear if I just breathe deep,close my eyes and calmly acknowledge
their absence. I could not understand why they were not here with me when it seemed that I needed them the most. Who were these people that seemed so distant from what was transpiring. I only knew that their presence was not where I needed them to be.

I removed the mask from my face and felt lightheaded and dizzy from trying to make heads or tails at what was happening to me. I noticed suddenly that my previous observation had changed when I looked down the aisle. Everyone was now unfamiliar and strange. I knew no one aboard the aircraft and the masks that once fell from overhead had disappeared. I turned to look into the small plexiglass window and my reflection was no longer visible as the night had taken possession of the sky and the view of the blackness absorbed all that entered it's space. My concept of time had been lost and with the cold smack of reality I reentered the body from which I had left unconsciously from hours ago.
From the look on my face it was apparent that I had some kind of epiphany. The passenger that sat to my right asked if I was alright, to which I quickly answered that I was not so sure at the moment. I needed to take in the actuality of what had previously transpired and what happened during the time that I ran amok inside my head.
Over the speaker we were informed to prepare for landing. Not only did I need to prepare in the aircraft for it's safe landing I suddenly knew I had to prepare for a personal landing of my own. I could not shake the feeling that I had been given a view into my future. Some kind of recognition had taken place and I needed to sort out the signs that were held within the spectral mind film. I would exit this winged machine with an insight into what would soon lay ahead for me. How I would decipher the information would be answered at a pace that only held twenty fours hours at a time, no more and no less.
As quickly as the wings leapt into the air from take off, the landing wheels suddenly grabbed at the tar mack and the pullback from the force of the brakes sent us all back against our seats with a the silent thanks that we had arrived safely with no unfortunate events. I turned towards the small oval window and was greeted with a reflection that resembled the person I had seen in the mirror earlier that morning. Only this time I looked a little more inward at what was staring back at me.

The whole experience had taken me on a flight within a flight. I had not actually left the ground but had drifted off to sleep which parlayed into the dream that had awakened me not just from sleep but in other ways as well. As I merged the facts from the fantasy that had played out in my sleep I knew that I had looked back in time and could sense a new future landing in a place still to be determined. In my dream the observation from such a high altitude in dream space opened my eyes to the fact that the past is no longer a reality and the future will be ascertained by the seat that I assign myself on any given flight of chance or risk.