With the fall comes that indecisive month of September, that wishy washy month that will determine the outcome for the following months of weather and mood changes. It signals the time for all people to return to the inside of their homes and begin to settle in for the long haul of cool and damp air space. From my windows the display of falling leaves have begun to litter the yard in colors of orange , gold and brown.
Like a quilt of autumn debris that will soon turn to the color of dirty matte brown.
For some reason this always brings about some sort of panic for me as I begin to feel trapped within the confines of cool and wet weather fronts. The southern blood that courses throughout my veins is not adaptable to the grey skies and hidden sun that permeates my surroundings in the fall and winter of my residential status.
There is a bright spot though that has begun to present itself in a soft glow that hopefully will cloak me in the warmth that I have missed these past eleven years.
While the idea of going toward a new living area is enlightening, I know there will be a stack of decisions that will have to be made in order to bask in it's realm. Of course nothing is easy. There will always be decision's that will need to be made no matter what choices one makes but within each new horizon I see there lies uncertainty. Having the youth factor at one time certainly clouded the direct view of realities that could show up, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish for that cloud to appear to distort any awareness of those lurking uncertainties. I know that my numerical age should account for the knowledge to think things completely through before the leap of faith, but my mental age wants to jump and release the fears that age has made present. It is a fight for some sort of mental complacency and in some strange way I have an insight to just let it all fall in the direction to where it is going and stop fighting the horrible need to control it all.
The truth of the matter is control is an illusion I use to stop from having people make any decisions for me. I will admit it is not my best trait, but each day that passes by destroys the control joystick a little more. It shows up every now and then but does no harm except to frustrate me in having to let go one more time and just let it all be. Inside this grabbag that I call my mind, I ask that repititve question "which way is clear". The answer is always that no matter where I will go I will meet myself there.
If I look deep inside me what will I see from experiencing these life changes? Hope,Anger,Doubt,Exhiliration,Fear,Happiness,Lonliness,Security,Insecurity......in other words...just normal ME. SO now I can truly be asked the question:
"Where Am I Going" and my new found answer will be "You Tell Me"!