Thursday, August 19, 2010


It was a most annoying day today. Not from any pointed irritation but a culmination of a mixed bag of annoyances and unsolved problems that decided to erupt in an imitative mood. The feelings oozed out of me like unseen lava and covered me with silent anxiety that took hold of me and lingered for quite a while. For every question I asked myself, there would be at least eight or nine answers of uncertainty. This was not the most convivial way to feel any progress toward solving my momentary dilemma of mood stress. If anyone were to talk with me the response was pointed, curt and very directive. I did not make a good conversing candidate at that present time and still felt that I was going to explode and take it out on anyone that happened to be in the path of my distorted mind hurricane. It was then that I made my way out the door and decided to take my morbid mood outside so the air and light could dissipate it a bit and the ooze that stuck to me could possibly melt away so that I could get a few hours of peace before the day ended.
I stepped morosely out the door and felt the warm sunlight surround me with its healing powers and knew immediately that a brisk walk could help remove the soot that surrounded me.
I felt the crunching of the gravel beneath my shoes as I trudged down the long driveway toward the road that would hopefully lead me to a better frame of mind. Instead of conjuring up some fun happy fantasy I began to think about how walking on the gravel driveway without any foot covering must be hard on my dogs feet thus provoking guilt inside me for causing her pain by walking on those many hard rocks. By the time I reached the open road I added another guilt stress layer and heaped it on top of all the others that still lay there waiting for solutions to make them all disappear. I immediately thought that this walk would have me laden with more conjured problems than I left with before I would get back home. SO, I kept going and with every step I tried convincing myself to think of ideas with which to approach all of the secret problems and remove them from my list of things that needed to be changed. The orange glow from the late afternoon sun lit everything and made my eyes wander and look around at the scenery as I walked. I heard people talking and arguing in their homes. A couple of dogs began barking as I approached and the toxic smell of diesel gas permeated the air as the city bus drove by and jolted me back into reality.
As I walked, my mind wandered far off into the conjured reality of the perfect life and a calm scenario of peace around me. I realized there must be a million of those dreams all just waiting to bloom into reality. The trouble is that timing keeps them held back and my impetuous desire wants them to hurry and bloom. Being born always in a hurry is a most heavy burden to carry especially when you keep looking around all the corners expecting something to show up and restart the pendulum towards a new reality. Chasing after that elusive butterfly is hard and at this time of my life I am acquiescing to the potent fact of living in the NOW. Easy to say and very tough to follow when your a dreamer, like myself. Lord knows I have read enough self help books and have my proclaimed guru of Eckhart Tolle yet it is just how he states it all. You must empty your mind of all the daily debris and just let the moment that you are in be the focal point and experience IT as IT is and not what is not present. I truly believe that yet it is the hardest thing to accomplish when you feel overwhelmed with excess mind baggage.
I continued my brisk pace and began to feel my emotions fade into my surroundings and I noticed more of the outdoor presence around me. I peered into the windows of the houses I passed and wondered about who lived in each and silently assessed each home. Funny assumptions and fantasies pummeled by brain. Each home held its own version of the NOW and for those brief moments I was part of it. As I passed each I began to understand more fully about being in the present. There were times during my hike that I slid back into my corrupt mind files but I quickly focused on the delete button and gave way to my present time. It was a fight to the finish as on more than one occasion those files reappeared to take me from the NOW. The flashing yellow light suddenly appeared and gave way to the red light that stopped me in the middle of the road and brought a realization so clear that it amazed me. If I could not hold my focus on the present more than 10 minutes, how the hell would I accomplish living everyday in the present without all the corrupt files trying to take over my thought patterns. I then realized that it was going to have to take immense concentration and awareness to keep focused on the NOW. It is not going to be a one day habit change and it would have to be a progressive procedure that would take place a little more each day.
As the sunset was fading slowly over the horizon I took a reality check and realized that I had been walking for over an hour and had no recollection of the passing of time as I was caught up in my own mind space trying to find solutions as to the why of then. I began to make my way back home and realized that I was truly my own worst enemy and I need to let things roll off instead of being so miserable when issues are out of my control. I made a decision that I would begin to put the present moment into a clearer perspective and take what comes and try to let the rest fade away. Now if I could just honor those decisions and stay on the right track perhaps there would be hope yet.

I turned and started my walk down that long driveway and knew that I had returned with a much better insight and a better view of what was needed to get through the next few hours of the day. Happily jogging down the driveway to meet me was my dog and I noticed that the stones beneath her feet didn't really impede her progress toward getting to me. In fact, I got her canine message loud and clear...No matter how many stones slip beneath your feet when walking, just keep focused on the prize that awaits from a little pain brought about by a few rocks down your path. Stepping on them only make you more aware of what you will need to bypass should you encounter another rocky road in your life awareness search..........or toward the drawer where the MILKBONE treats are held.

Monday, August 16, 2010


The warm blanket felt so good against her chilled petite body and as she turned on her back and looked up SHE saw the ugly light bulb hanging from the wire in the ceiling. It was ablaze with its glaring light illuminating the ugly walls that made up her room. It was a crisp Christmas morning and SHE knew that her Mother would be back in a moment to see if she was awake yet. There was no way to get out of going to the local television station as she knew her Mother needed the money and that would help make their day nice and perhaps she would get the one thing that she wanted under the tiny lit Christmas tree. HER brothers and sisters would be waiting for them when they returned later that morning. How SHE dreaded the bus ride downtown. Lonely, tired people sitting on the smelly old bus that would take them to the places that they did not want to be at on this Holiday morning. It was frigid outside and SHE could never seem to stay warm in that tattered old wool coat. SHE knew she would once again have to sing for their supper. It was not such a bad thing, to be paid some money for doing something that you truly liked to do and that made you feel tingly inside when you did it. It was like a moment when SHE would get a big bear hug from her Mother that made her feel happy. Only HER singing feeling was double-triple. It moved her emotions to a place that she had not yet matured to yet but the resonance and emotion that poured from her voice moved anyone who got the opportunity to listen to her. All the people at the television station were so nice to HER and her Mother. The six piece band was made up of men who loved to make HER feel like she had six Dad's all very protective and in awe of her singing talent. HER real father had died before she was born and all she knew of him were the stories her siblings would tell her about. If he were alive SHE was sure SHE would have loved him greatly. Her Mother had all but sold everything of possession to keep a home for them all. She noticed at an early age the musical sounds that emanated from her baby's mouth. When the radio was on it would become the best babysitter for HER. All HER brothers and sisters saw what music would do to HER when it was on the radio. SHE could hardly speak yet SHE would sing total lyrics of songs in exact pitch and tone. When you would try and talk to her she would look curious at you as if she did not understand and when you sang your question to her, her response was amazing.
It was truly a natural god given talent that SHE had been born with and it was one that her oldest sister truly admired. It had been earlier that summer of 1955 that she was taken to the county fair by her favorite sister. She had secretly signed HER up to sing at the talent show that was being held. It had been sponsored by the local bread factory and there was to be a winning fee of $100 and her sister had a feeling that SHE just might be the winner of that showcase. The money would help her Mother and that made them both feel good to help out. There was absolutely no trepidation that SHE had when called up to sing a song for HER spot in the show. Being so small and the crowd so big did not make her nervous, but it did spark something within HER that would start the climb up to a place she never dreamed about.
SHE asked in the most childlike way if they knew her favorite song and the musicians agreed that they did and once they struck the first chord SHE stepped innocently up to the big microphone and let loose with a voice that completely silenced the large audience that stood watching. Not one flat note emerged and the sound and performance stunned everyone including the musicians. When SHE sang and held the last note, there was such applause that it frightened HER and SHE ran back to her sister's side. The ovation was overwhelming and she was picked instantly as the winner and given the prize money. The local papers snapped a lot of pictures and SHE was unfazed by the accolades being placed on HER at that moment. SHE sweetly asked if she could now buy some cotton candy and ride some of the attraction rides. It all went over her head and SHE then resumed her place in the crowd. They spent their time walking around while people stopped and wanted to ask them many questions but it all seemed bothersome to HER. SHE wanted to have a good time and be left alone with HER sister. To their Mother's happiness when they presented her with the winning prize money, she put together a celebration dinner and the day would end with a prayer that made her Mother realize a gift had been bestowed on her youngest child. SHE knew something had changed in her on that day yet SHE had no idea what that would be just yet. All that mattered at the moment was the time being shared with her family.
The next morning's newspaper cover story would spell out HER future and create an explosive energy that would fuel the rise to the top. THe last few months had been spent traveling back and forth to the station in wee hours of the morning. That long bus ride would get them back home just before it was time to be in school. As she opened the door, once again, to the station she hoped that there would more time to sleep when they returned back home. That was not to be on that morning, as a gift would arrive that would not be packaged with bright paper and a bow, it would be a very large gift that would completely change all their lives in just that one moment. Christmas came with much joy and happiness on that day, SHE would not be aware of just how to take it all in and which road would start the journey. SHE began to believe in angels that morning and knew for sure that SHE was being watched
over. It would always become her saving grace............from any fall.

Sunday, August 8, 2010



The sun's ray burst through the venetian blinds as if the police were chasing them. The warm golden light filled the bedroom and poured over the sleeping boy as HE slept, deeply, following an exhaustive night of anxiety, wonder and hope that Santa would really appear. It had been a hard evening earlier for him to find Mr.Sandman that night as it was Christmas eve. For all HE understood it would take the snow and windy cold weather to bring that big sleigh, however it was a very warm and sunny winter and not a flake of snow was in sight. The questions that needed answers to still left him wondering if Santa really would arrive on the roof or on the beautiful sandy white beaches that spread out the back of the concrete block Florida home of which HE lived in. HE had been told to get to sleep early and the next morning there would be stockings and many presents just waiting to be opened. HE dreamed of what would be under that brightly lit tree and truly had no idea that fate would be waiting for him on the other side of the door that Christmas morning.

His Mother was up early and put the finishing touches on the packages and put the last things into his stocking and quickly picked up the cookies that had been left out for Santa and sat them close to her cup of coffee. She had to be sure to have them eaten before the pandemonium began as he would surely check to see if they were gone. She sat looking at the holiday scene before her and felt the warm memories of her childhood Christmases spread through her being. As tears welled in her eyes she reveled in the fact that she would once again get to share that feeling through the eyes of her own child. Having had a celebratory Christmas eve his Dad was still unmoved on the sofa in an inebriated exhaustive sleep. It seemed that the holiday season always took it's toll on him and he took his solace in the amber liquid that kept the glow within him. As she sat and watched his lifeless form she wondered if he would awaken in a happy state of mind and appreciate the moments that would soon transpire. She took the last cookie and dipped it into her coffee and glanced up at the clock and took note of the time and then returned the plate to it's place next to the empty milk glass on the table by the tree.
She hoped that she would be lucky enough to get a chance to bathe before the action all began, and took quick advantage of having the bathroom all to herself. As she brushed her hair before stepping into the warm bath she looked deep into the mirror and assured herself that the gifts that awaited unwrapping would be appreciated by everyone who received them. As as she began to step in to the water she heard a noise and quickly decided to look into her son's room before she began her ritual to be sure there would be enough time before he awoke. Softly she opened the door and looked in to see his little leg dangling off the side of the bed and knew that it would not be long before he would be bounding out of the room in a rush. She truly did not want to miss that moment and closed the door and turned swiftly to complete her bath. With a smile on her face she eagerly awaited his presence.

As she exited the bathroom she heard the rustling of the coffee pot and knew that at least one person was up and she had not missed the pending event. With the haggard look on her husband's face she saw the consequences that the libation's had left on his head. As he took a long sip of coffee he felt he rush of caffeine penetrate his body giving him the energy to break a smile and offer a good morning to her.
"Do you feel as bad as you look" she asked. He managed a sly grin and answered abruptly "no ..worse but I took four aspirin and hope they remove this pain in my head and..... before I forget to tell you, I'm sorry.. I passed out on you, can you forgive me?".. The apology was appreciated but was just filed with the others that came more frequently and she pushed any angry emotions away, and replied "Of course I can, but I hope you will be ready for all the family arriving later. Perhaps you need to leave your best friend Jack Daniels outside for the day". His eyes followed her as she sat by him at the table. He said nothing and realized the less said the better, but he knew that she was right, he would leave the bottle alone as his head and body could not take it another night. She knew that he was sorry but it seemed that the apologies never really changed anything except to smooth over the moment till it happened again. The best gift she could hope for was a sign that he was progressing toward a new outlook and to show a little more affection to make her feel wanted, secure and not uncertain of their love for each other. He did not want to confront her eyes as it would only make him feel more regretful but the slight touch to her hand gave way to the feeling that the day would turn out alright afterall.
She stood up and made her way to the stove to prepare a little breakfast for the both of them and still expected any second for the sound of feet to come running down the hall. She hoped for a little more time for the two of them to be alone and to talk a while. Reaching into the refrigerator for the bread she asked him if he would like some eggs with his toast and he resoundingly stated "I don't think so right now, I'm hoping the toast will sop up the rest of the pain from the headache, why in the hell do I do that to myself". He could not see the hidden grin on her face and her joy of knowing the price he was paying for his drinking spree. As the toaster popped up the bread he made his way toward her to offer help and softly put his arms around her waist and breathed in her scent and kissed her gently on the neck and whispered "Merry Christmas". The emotion sent her reeling and she turned around in response but never got the chance to say anything as he deeply kissed her and assured her that everything would be fine.
They stood and ate their toast and coffee and took in the rare moment of just being together without someone nearby asking a million questions. The adult conversation felt easy and without hesitation and made the intimate connection for the both of them.
She began stacking the dishes in the sink when she heard the opening of her sons bedroom door and knew the time was here and the excitement was ready to begin. She told her husband to get the camera for the memories to be shared later. In his Mighty Mouse pajamas and barely awake, he made his way into the kitchen. She could tell at that moment that the Santa connection had not been made yet as he asked for his usual bowl of Alpha Bits cereal.
She was torn between getting the cereal and letting him eat and the desire to watch the lighting of his face as he was made aware that Santa had come, just a few feet away. She made her way to the pantry to get the box of cereal and placed the bowl in front of him and began pouring when his arms flailed above his head in a squeal that signified that he remembered what day it was. As his arms came down so did the box of cereal all over the floor. HE quickly pushed the chair back from the table and ran into the living room and shouted that Santa had come and to please hurry into the room. There was hardly enough time to insert the flash bulbs into the camera as he became more overwhelmed at the sight of all the presents spilling out from under the tree. She decided to leave the mess in the kitchen and rushed into the room and saw him jumping up and down and overjoyed at what HE saw. The high energy ignited the room and the spirit of the day moved through all of them. HE took his stocking first and began rummaging through it it with wild abandon. There were chocolates and marshmallow candies, small games and lots of crayons. There was also a candy dispenser that held all the Pez one could eat. It was a gold mine of treats. His father reached under the tree and handed him Santa's first present as the flash of light burst forth from the camera she held. It was a fairly big box and not much sound came from inside as HE shook the box.
She looked at her husband and wondered if her son would like what would soon be unveiled. The paper was being torn off rapidly and suddenly the box was opened. The ultimate question came out despairingly "What is it?" Spoken even before taking the object out of its packaging, she could tell his disappointment was rising from impatience. His father removed it from the box and sat it on the table nearby but it did not arouse his curiosity. HE began opening another package. She watched as HE eagerly opened the next present and saw that his eyes would occasionally drift to the square box with the handle that his Dad had placed on the table just moments ago.
As HE pulled the last paper off his newest package HE happily said "Mom, it's books I like" she asked him if he was sure of that and then HE saw that they were not books, but round colored plastic things that looked like thin plates with holes in the middle. "WHAT is this" HE asked almost angrily, "I didn't ask Santa for this, why did he leave these, I don't want these", protesting loudly HE dropped them to the floor and stood sadly as if he had been reprimanded. She picked up the items and tried to explain that they were records and the box on the table was the player that you put them on to make them play music. Although HE knew what music was it did nothing to peak his interest and these items were not what He was expecting under the tree. HE sat down and pulled out another gift from the tree hoping for at least one thing that was written on his list. HE unraveled a Huckleberry Hound stuffed animal toy and breathed a sigh of relief and as HE turned to show it to his parents, He saw that the box with the handle on it was open and the little round plastic records were spinning around. HE then noticed one of the records dropped down into the box and suddenly sound emanated from within. It surprised and stunned him to where HE could not move and was mesmerized by what HE saw and heard. She looked in her husband's direction and saw that he too witnessed something spectacular. As HE stood there saying nothing he cocked his head from side to side listening intently. HE had no idea that fate was quietly sneaking it's way into his life at that moment and wrapping it's arms around him. HE would begin the journey toward a life phenomenon that would shape HIS life into the person that destiny had silently prepared him for. It would be a grand adventure and one that would carry him to the top of it all. Life, for HIM, did begin at 45 R.P.M ........ Yet,......................
Fate had much more planned than just 45 Revolutions Per Minute.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Within all of us there lies an entrancing story of our life. From infancy to
adulthood, the stories abound with happiness and sadness, triumphs and disappointment. There would be love and indifference, joy and sorrow and anything in between the emotion meter. We could tell stories that could ignite laughter and brings tears to your eyes. The mystery novel that lies deep within our brain contains many chapters that would tell the story of one human journey to survive the experience known as life.

There are those who did not get the opportunity to live their life for long but the legacy that can be left behind is conjoined in the memory of others who remember their presence. The amazing thing about life is that it is not for sure and cannot be figured out so readily. We are told early on to reach for the top and don't stop till you reach your summit whatever that may be. I look back into my life and know that my discomfort of not being in control is my roundabout that keeps me in circles trying to figure out the quickest solution to my "momentary" need. It is time to throw in the towel and immerse myself into the waters know as faith. That one little word that has such bastardized meanings to so many religious pratfalls. The faith that I speak of is in the trusting of ones self to lead you to where the universe needs you to go to. It is much harder than one would expect, after all you can't control it, faith just has to BE. Like I said before... "easier said than done"

I have a story to tell like all of us do. Mine is a quiet love story with all the twists and turns and highs and lows of a struggle against time and the promise of requited love. My future writings will be telling my story and all the fantasy that can be infused to make a story move you. As usual all the names, places and references to persons living or dead is purely coincidental and not of any intention.
While some of the story may be infused with private reality there will be fiction to add fuel to the literary motor. This process will take some time and the pages will be withdrawn from the archives within my brain cells. The story, which has been written many times over in my head, will then unfold into a worded reality.

It's a new beginning for me into this foray of a literary world and I am sure that my learning curve will come with the territory but I will learn as I go. If the chance is not taken to put into story form the words that have so lingered within then I will not have taken the risk to prove to myself that I at least tried. I feel it is better to take the risk and land where my next life adventure begins.
I hope, like my predecessor "Jacqueline Susann" that I will have my dog at my feet while I write and she will give me the canine support by staying beside me.
I could only hope for any success in accomplishing something that I have never attempted before. It will be great to share the words and the story with the people who have been reading. Your comments will be greatly appreciated.

So wish me luck and a good manicure when all the typing is done...I hope it turns out as I have silently written it.