Friday, September 24, 2010


I had begun asking the universe months ago to move me towards a new life direction and to deliver me from the dregs of debt and responsibility that I so conveniently created for myself. It was imperative everyday that I took the time to meditate on that issue and was as impatient as a kid on Christmas eve. I asked myself if I took the time to sit and patiently think about what I wanted to come my way why the hell isn't it delivering in a faster speed. As is the usual way for me to want it yesterday and all signed, sealed and delivered, I was starting to believe that the lines of universal contact were being held up by the miscommunication from my mind hard drive of overwhelming pleas of peace. Each day that passed without any deliverance I seemed more intent on adding a few more silent moment universal thoughts and kept adding more to the list and so arrogantly expected the answers on my time scale. In every conversation that my friends had to endure, I pleaded my misery over and over again, hoping to gain support for the spinning fantasy that I had ballooned beyond my initial call for help. It was not enough to impale my contorted vision of "unrequited peace" to anyone who asked, I soon began to hear myself speak of the misery that I had so surreptitiously needed to surrender to any waiting ear that asked how I was doing.

These kind of secret desires do nothing for a relationship when you are totally on separate spheres of mind control. I could not find any positive attributes that existed within the arena of life that I shared. People have an amazing ability to disassociate from current facts at hand and were revered through my eyes as a complete denial of my realities, that I needed to be changed in order to procure a more modest, less complicated life, and free of all that I had previously conjured up as necessary at that time of thought inception.
Where my logical mind went to is still a question that has not been answered as of yet, but disappear, it did. How in the world I could not see what I was unconsciously doing is beyond my own rational thinking. I was sending out SOS help into the universe and had not given any thought as to what would happen should the call be answered. A total slip of the facts at hand made for unrecognized answers that I had not brought forth just yet.

I took my faith seriously that something soon was about to happen and I was awaiting a phone call from the universal telephone company letting me know when that would happen. As if sitting and waiting for any kind of phone call is not annoying enough now I would have to learn how to let the natural flow of things take its course and happen when it all aligns. In any life scenario the patience factor is a most elusive attribute and my attribute cup was very empty when it came to patience.
I remember walking to work one morning very recently and I began to hear the chime off in the distance of my mind telling be that my request was being processed and I would be hearing back from the "Change Department" soon. I kept that silent ringing of the chime hidden away from all as it would only lead to them fearing more that I was teetering off into loonydom yet I knew instinctively that something was pending.

When things began to move forward my superciliousness took over and I waltzed through the tune of ambiguity, with what appeared to me as nonchalant, but was sending fear reverberation throughout my entire being. Now was the time to face up to all the things that seemed so necessary to change.
Those uncertain hopes were now setting up shop as reality. Unfortunately I did not, once again, prepare for their arrival. My irrational way of being in control seemed suddenly to be slipping away and now I was faced with people who now began stepping on my toes to begin the processes of the changes that I had avidly anticipated. Bitterly I began to fight back to regain my sense of composure yet all the while my emotional tears of fear dripped hourly from the ups and downs of my new found realities. No one gets to push me around until I am ready to give in to the timing of events. The fears that were hiding beneath were now oozing out of my body like a liquid poison. Each teardrop of water that fell on my face burned through me as if to make me more aware that I had to face up to the inquisition that the universe was placing on me.

It was not at all how I expected it to turn out yet at the same time I can't honestly say that I had defined it succinctly. So once again I have had to ask myself, why did I not define everything in a more distinct question, with having all the questions and desires I needed help with all put into one easy simple reality of choice. There is no real direct way to ascertain that but I will now have to let go of my fears and trepidations and move with strength into the new dimension that I requested. The valley floor is deep with fears and assumptions and now I must make my way up to the apex once again.
I quietly await my rush of adrenaline and to feel the rush of air that will lift me out of the valley of fears and drop me onto the plain of synchronicity where faith in my hopes and desires will flourish.

I am hoping that this recent universal gift will be my start on the road to more sensibility and calmness. Perhaps when leaving the valley of fears I will then begin to calmly observe the zenith of life.

Friday, September 3, 2010


It was the breaking of dawn as I felt the soft nose nudge as it pushed gently on my arm that hung off the bed. Next came the paw which raked across the same arm demanding that I arise and get that food in the bowl. From the fog of the night's rest I begrudgingly slid out of the bed and staggered in the dark for my shoes and trudged slowly down the stairs to begin the morning ritual of dog preparations. Briskly she hopped out the dog door and happily scampered toward the grassy areas to do her business. While she sniffed around outside I stood in the early morning shadows and saw the light slowly making its way across the sky and wondered how many times I have seen the sunrise and how amazing it is to watch. I walked to the squirrel feeder to deposit their daily dose of food when I noticed two squirrells on the ground. One was a baby and the other was fending it from any harm as she tried to carry it up the tree. I stopped in awe of what I witnessed as it's strength pulled the little one to safety high above in the tree. Slowly and meticulously she held on to that little creature and then deposited it into the nest. I heard the squeaking sounds from the Mother squirrel which sounded like a reprimand to stay put in the nest while she went to get food. In another split second I watched her abound down the tree and open the feeder to get her morning food. She sat there munching as if nothing a few moments ago had even taken place. She just moved on to the next innate thing that nature told her to do.

I walked back inside and we took our walk back up the stairs to the kitchen to prepare the doggie meal. I went through my motions and sat the bowl down and while I stood there washing the few utensils I had used, I had a most annoying fly buzz around me frantically trying to fly out the window. It was a sad thing to watch the insect suicide taking place so I captured the bugger in a glass and opened the dining room door and set it free. It was perhaps the happiest winged one being able to fly freely again and set off for places unknown for the few remaining hours left on it's little bug life. I shut the door and went back to the sink to fill my tea maker with water and as I watched the water fill the pot I found myself lost in thought about how short life really can be. I plugged in the unit and continued to ponder my thoughts on that subject. I immediately focused on a very close friend whose spouse departed this earth for more angelic pastures with which to roam. Quickly his life stopped in a split second and changed her life forever. That sudden shock took her down without any notice of it's impending impact and left her stranded on her own island called "WHAT'S NEXT". It is a scary island to land on as you don't know what the natives will deliver next and are completely unsure if you will be spared from any other unpredictable events. The immense amount of emotional rainfall is not measured in inches but in "lots" of uncertainty and insecurity. If there was any strength to be found by moving in a forward motion, now was the time to start walking down those long deserted shorelines of her mind. For every piece of driftwood she would soon encounter meant that she would have to step over it and move it out of her way. There would be no controlling the future situations that lay in waiting on the beach. Soon the coat of constriction would find its way to wrap silently around her, unsuspectingly.

Reality had dropped a bomb and all the debris that remained had to be put in some kind of order. I could only watch from a far and support via airwaves from a cell phone. As I took each day and offered my support I could feel her momentum and strength of survival begin to emanate. In silence I could feel the tension that comes from uncontrollable scenarios and felt the energy of impatience of trying to move on. Being held back by bureaucratic idiots who have no sensitivity to a personal situation defies the laws of nature in helping someone in their time of need. Endurance and focus would be the saving graces that would soon give way to future security. One by one the stopping blocks that once were placed in front of her began to crumble. That reentry back into the world of self reliance had begun to replace those stumbling blocks. Her perseverance began to lay the the foundation for the life she would have in the future.

It was a feat of emotional strength that few survive without any shock residue. Under the pressure of rules and regulations, awareness and patience and staying five steps ahead of everyone was her ticket to survival of the emotional hacking that was given to her via paperwork and due diligence.
As I watched all of this take place, I had moments of helplessness and anger for not being there trying to ease the fear that associates from being thrust back into single life and unknown monetary responsibilities. At the beginning she had not a clue as to how all of this would wind up and little by little the answers would arrive. With painstaking grace she stepped into the shadows and found the light that was needed to see the next chapter that life began to offer.
What had been a very convex and uncertain life relationship would end with the reward that love did endure through the best and worst of times. The dues that were paid during the trials of togetherness would end up creating a world that had once been a glimmer of fantasy but was now evolving into a most attractive reality. No longer faced with the sadness of watching someone slip away in the physical world, she would now be able to see the long awaited horizon that would steer all her desires and needs.
From that early morning vision of nature at work in the scene of survival, I believe that it offered me the view into nature and it's fight for survival. It was obvious to me, more than ever now, that in the end all we have to depend on is ourselves to keep the faith and direction into the perspective that all will work out in the end. As I pondered the memory of the struggle of that Mother squirrel toting her baby up the tree away from harm, I felt the fear of the physical hope that she would make it to the nest and survival would carry on. What looked like a long journey up the tree would end with an assurance that life did carry on as usual. Now, about that annoying fly saved from insect suicide in its last remaining hours of life....the view of that bug being set free and watching him fly toward spaces unknown silently left a hope within me that nature had the plan all along. All we have to do is fly and let whatever happens to happen and savor the sweet smell of personal success and growth when all is finished and our destination reached.

As for my friend, all her tomorrows are now paid in full. Life now has a brighter backdrop. In the case of myself, well, I gained insight into a friend who challenged herself and used her "nature" to survive in the most uncertain of times.

Now...with a little luck and plenty of hope we both can fly toward spaces unknown and with the "natural" freedom with which to do so.