Monday, December 24, 2012
Once again another holiday season has rapidly arrived. All around are the sounds and decorations of Christmas and the impending New Year. I ask myself every year how can I find the magic that Christmases past once held. Now as I sit here and write I have yet to find the elusive childhood excitement that came with the magical eve of Christmas Day. It seems my thoughts turn inward and I reflect on the life that is now in the present and look back on the year that brought me to this moment. It seems that my age has taken me on a sentimental journey through the time and space that I now understand as "life". Upon reflection of holidays past I seem to recall with more sentimentality the people that no longer grace my presence, some are still with me and others have moved on to other places or have left this earthly existence. I have learned to not dwell in the past for long and more than ever work extremely hard at staying in the present. It still does not diminish the emotional connection to what once was. I often revel in the joy of those moments and still hold fast to the day when some new memories will fill more of the pages within my book of life. Most of my friends are far away but they appear to be close at hand whenever I need a friend the most. This year brought a lot of retrospective days, a lot of tears and revelations of myself that I was not quite prepared for. In fact I am still reeling from some of them. I can honestly say that I have lived to tell and my greatest loss of the year still tears at my heart on a daily basis. I look around and still reach for dreams that seem rather unachievable yet it seems to be my nature to dare to reach for the things that I have an inner most desire to have or do. Restarting my career once again has created some fear and doubt which seems to be the fuel that drives home some sort of success by proving to myself that I could do it once again. It certainly could not have been accomplished so eloquently without some major help and for the ones that helped me, I am forever in gratitude. So now I begin a new year with hopes of brighter tomorrows and soon will celebrate a ten year relationship commitment. A feat that I never thought I could pull off yet once again the universe provides greatly. Now as the lights glow from the Christmas tree I will try and glow along with it and as I awaken tonight for my secret 4 AM venture to reflect on Christmas Day before the sunrise, I will reach deep inside and allow my emotions to feel this time of the year and give thanks that I made it through another year of life and a season of holiday reflection.
Monday, December 3, 2012
There is not a moment or day that has gone by that I don't think of you and miss you. I pray that a tomorrow will come and I will awaken to see your furry presence near my side always ready for the love and hugs that would follow any moment you were near. I wonder where you have gone, my Dolbeth. The many questions consume me daily and I hope you are not on your own, and are having fun with other creatures around, and someone there when you search for someone to hold you and give you the attention that I can no longer give you. Everyday that goes by is like a memory and I ask myself do you ever try to remember me? I still feel you by me in my automobile or whenever I see the bright green park where you used to roam. I hope your alright whever you are. If you are still within the realms of my thoughts, or over some telepathic wave I just want you to know that you were my best choice and wherever eternity takes you please know that I still love you so. Often in the dead of night, I hope you hear me call for you as it's not quite right with you not here at all. I ask myself over and over if I made a mistake letting you slip away, it's a constant unaswered question in my head. I then realize it is merely me talking to my heart which feels empty and sad. I want to rejoice and have you close by and I still keep a place for you here. Tonight, once again I stood outside and heard the echo of a train's whistle passing by, it cries nearby and I know that soon it will fade into the distant hills and die. I then send out a message to you, like a ship upon the sea, I am still in distress and only your presence can send the lifeline out to me. I really want to know that your doing fine as I just can't seem to let you go. If that is wrong then I will have no choice but to miss you until I no longer have the energy to do so. Within the realms of my thoughts you will always be present. For the many tears that still fall from my eyes, luckily, they blur my present and for those moments I can feel the invisible ribbon of connection that has yet to be severed by time. Until such time exists and it gets broken apart, my love for you is still very much alive. I only pray that somewhere in the space of divine energy that you will receive it and know that you are truly and overwhelmingly missed. I miss you Dolby!