Tuesday, January 15, 2013


At the insistence of my inner yearning to do something with the countless number of video tapes that I possessed from years of documentations, I decided to take the time to have all of those tapes converted to digital DVD so that I would not lose whatever masterpiece existed in vivid VHS. After a couple of months of professional copying I had them all reproduced and feared no more about losing lost footage that held some visual proof of moments in my life.

It would seem that I held an impetuous need to watch them but as it would stand I put them safely away into a box for later viewing. It's an unfortunate thing that happens when you complete your deed and then you just have to find a suitable time to watch them. Unfortunately you seem to forget about them and once again they await their debut of viewing enjoyment. It would take almost three years before I retrieved those silver discs and decided that I would like to post some of my favorite moments on YouTube for all the world to see what a fun person I was and to see such crazy antics that I would perform. Much to my surprise I became transported to a visual life that once existed, only this time I was looking from the outside since I had stood inward during the filming of all the moments. While that all seems to be something that would be both enjoyable and fun, what transpired throughout those many hours of viewing pleasure catapulted me into the twilight zone from the past.

Hour by hour I saw all the people and things that once made up my life in those moments of time.

I wanted to feel the memory in a more mature sense but instead I found that I suddenly missed the person that was in the footage that played before my eyes.

Who was that person and where did he disappear to. There were present moments of delight and moments of sadness to see the living people who no longer grace this earthly life and there was a kind of joy that was almost unrecognizable as it emanated from the screen. My heart just continually melted as each disc held so many memories that it began to interfere with my present surroundings. Once again I relived what once was and found myself yearning to be a part of it all again. To say iwas enjoyable would be construed as partially true but I suddenly realized that I missed that person who existed inside those frames of days gone by.

Bit by bit I removed some of those pieces and put them into a folder for easy access to view at my leisure, however I am now left with the feeling that something is so missing within the confines that I call my present life. Perhaps it is my age that is yearning to be frivolous and without responsibility, yet I had responsibility then but somehow there seems to be a huge difference. I feel the burden of grappling for another chance to dream of something that will reinvent and revive my dwindling faith in myself. I have heard it called a middle aged metamorphosis and should not be taken lightly, but the pain inside my silent soul yearns to break free and find the road to my last chapter of  life experiences.

Day after day I try to follow the path to the power of positive thinking and I can hang on to that thread of hope for a while before it once again breaks and I search frantically for another shred to grasp on to to keep my head from going underwater.

When I finished the last of those images that flashed before my eyes I knew that I had opened up a wormhole to some dark center slide and I now have no idea where the hole will drop me. In all those images it seemed so light and breezy yet I am privy to know that it was not always that way. Same deck of cards being played but the present hands now plays the cards all so differently. A wise man once told me that when you turn your cards up one at a time and look at them all and acknowledge each face then you just keep reshuffling the deck and turning those same cards up and it will be up to you as to how you will play the game. You either repeat that same suit or you use strategy to win the new game in that moment of your life. I was never much on card playing and that damn deck still keeps showing up and from my recent viewings of life as it once was, I have once again reshuffled   the deck and now I must face another game of turning the cards over one at a time and reading the faces.

What is it about life choices that make or break a present situation? I still do not have the answer to that question I just know that I must find the answer about myself that will create another video that could be my Oscar winning performance(s). Until such time I will take certain parts from my past and cut and paste certain special parts so that in the final editing I will finally be even more proud of my time and
space in the present.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


In a lunch conversation today the topics merged from one thing to another and then back again. Most things discussed had to do with the current happenings in our lives and how we managed to be where we are today, the now and the present. I kept remembering, as we all spoke, of all the things that I still have not done and how taking the risks and chances to do them all always has to do with stepping over the line and into the unfamiliar scary unknowns that changes bring about. In the confines of risk there always lurks the failure fork in the road that you start to walk down. Almost like having the devil and the angel sitting on you shoulders and each pulling you into different directions. Keeping the pace moving forward and feeling the intuition guiding you seems to stave off the fears that seems to crop up unexpectedly yet the silent insecurities linger just a breath away.
I would have thought that as we mature that the danger of risk should grow less and less but with the valuable amount of information that comes with maturity, it seems to get in the way of solid decision making and keeps you second guessing until you leap and move onward. How is it that we are present to live life when we are really not living it? So, if we are supposed to live life then why do we hesitate when opportunities form within our minds, and the dreams that seem so close by get lost in the shuffle of chaos that we seem to create so easily day to day. The roads less traveled are the roads that I want to continually walk down because there aren't too many people to distract me when going in my chosen direction. The disheveled gravel on the roads is very bumpy and rocky and even though there are pot holes in the road I know I will just step over them and continue to my point of destination. I want to take it to the limit and see just how far I can travel before the roads end.
I believe by taking a less traveled route I will always be able to see that clear day that really does go on forever just by knowing who I really am and where I want to be at any time, and at any place. Trite as it sounds there is no more need to make excuses for who I really am. I have finally learned it's never to late to move on!