Thursday, October 21, 2010


Outside my door the leaves are falling and soon the rains will come. Like the lyrics in a song I sit and wait for the repeated refrain to bring forth the next few months of nights and a year of days. As the world spins toward the ending of another year, it becomes all to apparent that the time is near to cut the ties that bind and look for a more simpler living environment. The race to be on top has just about reached it's finale, which makes the picture even more clearer as to what must begin to happen next. You would think that maturity would make the process of change... a little easier.... yet it does not.
I look around at the things that must begin to set the swing of motion into progress but fear and unnecessary trepidation stifle any body movement toward action. I seem to feel the need to have a written itinerary to follow but I know very well that will not be the case. So I ask myself everyday "What do I start to do to make the change happen" and so far I have had no bell go off signaling the start for the race of life changes. At times I still feel I am at the starting line in a crouched position, frozen, unable to move as the direction in which to run seems all clouded and the goal post is in a fog. It is a most despicable feeling and one that I am growing tired of feeling. It seems that I am not alone in having these emotions. Some professionals that I have spoken to have categorized the fear(s) as "letting go". Clinging to every object, emotion, and past memory is what will truly prevent my need for the life change that is needed, unless I cut the ribbons that tie the whole spectrum together. My scissors are dull at this moment and the ribbons just fold over the blades instead of actually cutting them into them.

Each night I sleep and in my dreams there lies more angst and I find myself in a subconscious state running toward something that I can't seem to find. I can remember dream scenarios that point to all sorts of interpretive objects, yet I awake recalling them and just add them to the other pieces of the puzzle that still lie on my table of awareness, all unconnected. I am frantically searching for the border pieces and want to fill in the rest of the picture quickly, with hope that the overall picture viewing will bring about the answers that are so lacking at the present time. In actuality though, I will never really "know" what to expect until I cross over the starting line, as the rest of the answers will fall into place as they have throughout the rest of my past living experiences. Believing in yourself and keeping a focus will keep the solid ground footing that is needed in times of change. I recall a lot of the changes from before and my truths of those changes create the atmosphere of uncertainty in not wanting to repeat any of the "lessons learned". Age does grant the wisdom to think first, but too much mental analyzing will shut the whole change process down. It's nature's heart way of sparing you the emotional pain of what the subconscious brain is requesting you to do. I have to keep the faith that I am paying attention to all my surroundings and let the trip unfold as it may. Stressing about it all will never change the final outcome.

Fate has a funny way of appearing when you least expect it to. I have embraced it so many times in my life and have not had one regret in doing so. Yes, there were many moments of being scared that I had made wrong choices. Conclusions of those choices have made me realize that NO choice is a bad one. The "good or bad" choices leave you with knowledge that appeared quietly from each of those experiences. I always walked away with much more than I was previously aware of. How I use that knowledge in my future choices should not be the scapegoat that prevents me from doing something that I innately know is the right path to walk down. Look forward to the new life knowledge that will come from changes in the subconscious and what it is offering you to do.
Fate, to me, is the subconscious receiver that we all have and is defined as INSTINCT. All living animals and mammals use it. The noise and life distractions will stop you from focusing into it. The truth about instinct is that it will never let you down. It is your protective shroud that will always keep you safe in awareness of any given situation.

I took myself clear across the United States, following the instructions that my fate had left for me to read, and was totally unprepared for my new found directions. The agonizing months and years of trusting my "INSTINCT" was very hard. In retrospect, it was only hard when I held on to the moments of thinking that I had made a "wrong choice". In reality, I had completed exactly what I innately knew was necessary to do in furthering my life plan. I put up a fight for no reason except to hold on to a tie that would bind me to my past that held no future unless I let it go and cut my ribbon from my past offering of fate. It is much harder to make that cut than one would think. It is the thinking too much that allows the insecurities and the second fearful guessing to arrive.
Trying to stay centered was the roughest ride that I had to take. Life pummelled me from all sides and the influences of people who cared tugged at my heart endlessly. I painfully moved around the emotion tied to my heart strings and then sensed the innate direction of my INSTINCT that was mixed within all the chaos outside my body.

All I can tell you is that the faith in yourself will deliver the goal post and you will have your fateful touchdown and will have achieved the crossing of the goal line. After that, you will turn around and look at the long field that you had to run down. It took a lot of tumbles and penalties to get there but crossing the fate line was pure joy.

SO ...begin to revel in your accomplishments and be happy knowing that soon.... just around the corner...there will be another gust of wind brought about from a stormy hopeful dream. Then the air will fill the sail on your life ship..... and move you to another chosen direction of your choice just like it did to me.

"I, how my life might have been, had I not...cast my fate to the wind"

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


She was the last client of the Christmas holiday rush and she handed me an enveloped gift card. I thanked her graciously for the thoughtful gesture and laid it aside with all the seasonal gifts that wonderful people had given to me, in loving thanks for work that I had done for them over the year. With such a heavy workload and my body extremely tired from all the energy that had been drained from me, I packed up my holiday loot and made my way home to turn off any signs that displayed the arrival of Christmas morning the next day.
Dealing with all the holiday work that is bestowed upon me is physically and emotionally draining. It is however an appreciated profitable and a very thankful time. The thought of a quiet peaceful evening at home with the pups and a cocktail seemed just right to ring in the holidays with silence and no chaos abounding.

I have always had such a time with the holidays of Christmas and it seemed that particular year was even harder than usual. My complaining never ended about all the hoopla surrounding its "seasonal" effectiveness. I just wanted to hide my head in the sand until the new year presented itself. My focus at that time was how to distance myself from the rainy grey days of winter and relocate where the sun would never set and warm me from the inside out. As the evening wore on and my body regenerated itself with the help of my libations, I took the time to peruse through all the gifts that I brought home with me. With the help of my dogs we managed to tear through all the paper and open all the boxes together, even finding dog treats that had been given to them for their holiday treat. I was knee deep in gift wrap paper and decided to clean it up before bed so I set my motion in action and just as I was picking up the last of the paper, the "Gift Card" dropped from the last pile that I was about to put in the trash bag. I had forgotten about that and was glad that I did not accidentally throw it away. I set it aside and picked up the last of the mess and left the envelope lying on the table and proceeded to bed.

The next day I avoided the phone and kept myself scarce. I pretended to not notice the Christmas feeling that filled the air and the lack of noise from no traffic whizzing by. It was a chilly morning and we all took a long dog walk to stave off the holiday blues. It was going to be a long three day holiday and enduring it all was to become a challenge that I had to win. We arrived back home and I quickly made some hot tea to heat the cold that surrounded my body from the brisk wind that followed us everywhere we walked. I quickly made my place on the sofa, under the warm blanket, and was ready to take my first sip when the cup slipped from my hand, hit the table and spilled, wetting everything in its path to the floor. My vocabulary exuded many four letter words as I mopped up the mess that laid before me.
I once again reheated more water for tea and took another try at getting warm. I made my way, once again, back to the sofa to snuggle under the warm blanket. I was doing pretty well until I stepped on the wet envelope in front of the sofa that held the "GIFT CARD" that was now soaking wet from the previous spillage of tea. I had missed that completely from the last clean up and picked it up and laid it out on the kitchen counter to dry, hoping the contents were not ruined since I had yet to open it.

I had been given a movie to watch and was anxious to view it as that was to be my holiday highlight for the moment. I had finally settled in for the warmth that eluded me for those last thirty minutes. As the story unfolded on the screen, within my little world, I got taken away with the story and all it's characters that seemed so real. They all lived in a place where each took great care to reach out for one another. It was both moving and seemingly surreal. After its finale I could not help myself to start it over and watch it again. The damp cold gray skies had settled in and the clouds began unleashing more of their liquid as I huddled deeper into my couch cocoon. The viewing process repeated once more as I made mental notes on the songs that were being played throughout the movie. During the rest of the day I continued to think about the story and how magical it all seemed. Love stories always held a special place inside me and this story took away the holiday blues. I was taken with both of the "male" lead roles and was particularly drawn to the role of "Dean" mostly because of his name and his honesty about who he really was. Getting up from that lounging arena I made my way to the kitchen to make myself some "Christmas dinner" and pondered the movie inside my head as I put a meal together.

As soft music played I ate and stared out the window contemplating another "warm sunny" fantasy. I had not noticed that I had set my dinner plate on top of the still wet envelope that held the "GIFT CARD". I finished eating and as I made my way to the sink to rinse the plate off The force of the water released the envelope that was stuck to the bottom and it dropped into the sink, once again getting drenched with more water. I quickly retrieved it and carefully dabbed as much of the water I could get off it and laid it out for the second time to dry. I still had not opened it thinking that I would wait till it dried so that I would not tear it apart, since it was so wet. I began to realize that it was not to be for me and that "GIFT CARD" as too many disasters had already occurred.

The next morning it was still a little damp and had started to warp a bit so I put it in a book to flatten it. I knew that when I opened it after it was dry that it would then not tear to pieces. I hoped that what remained inside would still be intact. As they say out of site is truly out of mind. Forgetting completely that inside that book laid the unopened envelope, I absent mindedly put the book back in the shelf from where it was previously stored. I had hurriedly cleaned up for pending guests that were planning to stop by. So once again the sweet present had another fate delivered upon it.

Three months later I had completely packed up my belongings and moved to another home. I still had no recollection about the hidden envelope that I had filed away. It was so amazing to realize that when I packed all those books that nothing came to the forefront to remind me of its existence. Surrounded by many moving boxes I took my time in unpacking and soon the season of spring was knocking on my door once again. On this one particular day the client that gave me the "GIFT CARD" had been scheduled on my books to visit me and as she was conversing with me she mentioned the envelope and wondered if I had used it contents yet. I looked at her quizzically and had no cognisant idea of what she was talking about but did not want to let her know that I had forgotten about what she spoke about, so I politely told her "not yet", but was planning to do that on the weekend. It would haunt me all day as to what she was talking about as I could not even think of that one thing that I had missed. The conclusive evidence would soon reappear reminding me of what she asked about that day.

Taking a most concerted effort to remove the last of the moving boxes I took that next weekend and emptied the last of the books from those boxes. I was just about done and as I was ready to fill the last top shelf with the remaining books, two of the books slipped from my hands and fell to the floor. One of the books which fell held the enveloped "GIFT CARD" which was sent swirling across the wood floor. Instantly I remembered what I had done by putting it inside that particular book to keep it together. Smiling and glad to know that I had found it, I picked it up off the floor and finally opened it. The ink from the card had blurred a bit , but was still pretty legible, and it held inside the card a "GIFT CARD" for a thirty day membership to an Internet dating service called "MATCH.COM". I have to say that I was totally underwhelmed and had a bit of trepidation thinking that it would be a department store gift card. OH was a kind gesture and one that I would probably never use so I put it aside on my desk and completed the last of the boxes.
Most everyday that I sat at that desk doing work, I would casually glance at that card and just give it a shrug and move on to other things. After a couple of weeks and a few cocktails I decided to take the plunge, and since my inebriated state took my guard down, I cashed it in on the Internet and proceeded to fill out my profile and all the things needed to use the card correctly. COUNTDOWN........tick-tock towards the thirty days expiration period. What had I done would remain to be seen.

The next several days were spent reading the most unusual and provocative profiles, none of which, at that time seemed similar to my tastes. Their explanations of the information contained left me feeling as if I would be another conquest in their books of dates gone by. I was getting the idea that this "Internet dating" thing was not for me. That would definitely prove itself to be true in more ways than one.
I took my time in reading many of the listings and decided on five people that I would respond to. I was beginning to get emails from people who had recently read my profile and that gave me an ego boost until I realized that they were the "Internet Vultures" just waiting for a newbie to bite into. I began noticing a pattern of repeat performances as they forgot that they had already written before and changed their responses allowing me to see their lack of honesty. Some of the responses were so suggestive that I even blushed while reading the emails.
The so called "GIFT CARD" had brought with it more that I ever expected.
Four of the five choices that I responded to proved to be entertaining, at the least. They provided the usual "dating" routine of dinner and a movie or coffee and brunch and each would wind up with so much sexual innuendo that my taste for any future dates with them was quickly evaporating. I am nor have ever thought of myself as prudish but for gosh sakes the questions asked of me even made me feel uneasy. The Internet dating had proven to be a hook-up haven for the sexually frustrated people who really have no desire for the "relationship" that the site proposed to provide for it's members.
The "GIFT CARD" did deliver four experiences which quenched my interest for cyberspace meetings. The fifth never responded and I decidedly had a happy thought that I would not have to endure another night of fifty questions about my life, anatomy and sexual preferences. UGH!!!!! With that awareness the expiration of the "CARD" finished it's thirty day trial run, but not before I was bombarded with requests for more meetings and to renew the membership with all it's "wonderful services". N O T ..... I was through with that business and finally got the message that bachelorhood was my role in life and I intended to play it out without the fifty question human.

The "GIFT CARD" was honestly used and I thanked her for giving it to me and did not offer any further details on the outcome of cashing it in. I misplaced the actual card and was not disappointed with it's disappearance but once again it was out of site and really out of my mind. As if it had a life of it's own it reappeared about seven weeks later while cleaning the office area. I found it appalling that it had not been lost and laid it once again on my desk to remind myself to throw it away later.
It was on that same Sunday that I was busying myself and decided to take a break and check for emails. Within that batch of emails was a response from the dating service that someone had written back that I wrote to earlier. Here it was seven weeks later, so I half heartily opened the email and read it's text. It was a response from the fifth and last person from that trial period. He had explained the delay in getting back to me and was letting me know of his dissatisfaction with the site and the people responses and had not checked his inbox for quite a while, but recently found my email and it sounded interesting so he took the time to write.
I glanced over at that damn "GIFT CARD" which laid within my view. It's little plastic aura was still giving off energy even though it was terminated. Thinking that I would not hear back at all I flippantly responded and left my phone number and wrote that it was a miserable experience for me also and not one that I wanted to revisit anytime soon, but if you were truly different and did not give off innuendo's, then perhaps a chance meeting would work.

As the sun rises today, the morning light shed's its ray's through the bedroom window and casts a glow on a sleeping person in bed. The "GIFT CARD" delivered it's magical essence and almost eight years later that very person is still around. The universe answered the call and delivered my request.

I was totally unprepared for it's response and had no experience in the relationship department. Being together is still a work in progress. The future is being honed by the past and now communication gets a daily update.

You know...come to think of it, I never did find any written disclosure's listed on the back of that "GIFT CARD"

It must have been inserted into the fine print on the envelope that was blurred from being wet so many times. It's clairity of the words finely printed, would become clearer over the years though and would be read as the "RELATIONSHIP DISCLOSURE".

Friday, October 8, 2010


I laid in bed in the early hours of morning, before the break of dawn, and heard the stirring of my dog as she prepared to come to the side of he bed to let me know it was time to get up. With the first eye opening the floodgates of thoughts were unleashed and the bevy of stored thoughts began their entrance into the now of the day. As I made my way out of the bed I acknowledged the pattern of events as they have unfolded time after time and morning after morning. It was amazing how the chain of events must unfold in order to prepare for the arrival of the new day. I quickly became aware of how necessary it was to have the morning duties go in a specific order that my dog has learned. If one thing was to early then she seemed out of sorts and when the proper chain of events connected again her reactions were normal. As I stood there feeding her I wondered just how patterned we humans have all have become and how many of us just silently hate the rituals that we have created for ourselves.

In my life there are many things that seem to repeat in a day. Depending on the chain of events in any given day, how mundane the repeat action is, can be either irritating, unnoticed or overwhelming. Lately the realization that present life is repeating to many things has become an awareness that now has to be dealt with. It is easy to look over the fence and see that the other mans grass is greener and read the trashiest of movie magazines and envy the rich and famous, yet we forget how the others are still prone to the same repeat processes that probably drive them just as crazy as the simple folk.
I recall earlier times when I would be aware that certain patterns were beginning to occur but my youth and impatience would not allow that to happen and I would purposely destroy the repeats and start down another trail, yet the same results would occur and in time the new paths of repeats would have the same ending. It seems now that I am in the autumn of my life, the patterns, at times, feel almost comfortable yet resentful. The irritation at what has occurred during the realization process, only reminds you that it is time to inspire yourself and take the next fork in the road of life. I am certain that as we age the ease of patterns is nice but you know it is just the insecurity of taking that next risk. Finding out what lurks down the new road is what gives you the uneasiness. When we are young it was the same but the distractions glossed over the fears that still were there.

In the past few months, I had been sending out a telepathic message to anyone listening that my MUNDANE, REPETITIVE, life sucked big and I wanted out to start over. The grass I saw ahead was greener than ever and the new pastures that I wished to graze in were sweet smelling and full of untarnished color. I just needed something to come in and break apart the spell of patterns that I had worked so hard to make uniform in my present life. Somehow I lost the NOW and wanted FUTURE ...ASAP
The patterns of my life continued and I began to hunger for what was not even formulated yet and I began to drift away from the present moment and fantasize about what was yet to be. Having to pull myself back into a reality that seemed to never go away, I walked my daily paths with the same results, albeit, the road heavily traveled.
My salvation would be the mind filled walks to and from work. It was at those times that I could unlock my secret door to all the things I would have to plan when I started down my newly laid road. Those thoughts felt so warm and inviting. The yearning slowly crept in and added another silent pattern of behavior to the list that had to be completed daily. This was unrecognized as it was the sheep in wolf's clothing, and once again, it's distraction, led me away from the NOW of the present.

I seemed to have forgotten about the last time that I decided to smash apart my life. It was an experience I certainly did not want to duplicate again. I had concurred with myself to never do that again and if I should, I would reap the benefits of experience and think more clearly when starting down the new road.
I swear that I had my thoughts together and was very aware of what I needed,.....or thought it was a need. Big difference between a want and a need.

Just like the unwanted surprise guest that arrives at your door unexpectedly, my doorbell had been rung and on the other side of that door stood the twins known as "RISK and CHANCE". The dynamic duo were oh so handsome and appealing from afar and when invited to "come in" to my world, they brought with them devious underlying realities of truths unrecognized at the present time. No matter how prepared you think you are, a lot of things get left out of the mix. My signal was received and the lines had been crossed and now I had to pony up my courage to enforce it all. Instead I continued to stand on the ground, firmly, and feared any movement that could eventually change all that I knew as a patterned lifestyle. The pendulum had begun its swing and I was falling apart from within. The fear of the change that I had asked for spread through me like a wildfire and it seemed my days of complacency were numbered. The reaction from me was astounding and reverberated throughout my entire being. I had to regain control and center myself back into the present to reevaluate the importance of the issues at hand.

The massive amount of information that had to be fact checked laid in a heap on the desk of "NOW". Recoiling from my new found "DUO" friends, I began to reassess in descending order, the important things that needed to be addressed first and foremost.
I took a look at what was slipping away and pulled myself back in time to think in a more derisive way and get a grasp on what the issues were really about.
The boredom derived from those repeated patterns fueled the flames of change. I had allowed boredom to take over and brew the pot of disillusionment and unhappiness. Now I had to drink the facts and acknowledge my "real" truths as to why I needed the visit from my new found friends "RISK and CHANCE". The answers lie within me and now I see that my grass is really greener, as that is where I am in the present.

As for "RISK and CHANCE" they are still visiting and we are conversing daily and actually getting a lot figured out.
As a matter of fact I think I maybe developing a love for the both of them.
They made me see the light that shined from within and the rays guided me back to where I am supposed to be.........I'm figuring out my future.....
At this present time.......anyway.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


It had been a particular arduous week with work and added stresses that kept appearing from day to day. I began feeling, towards the latter part of the week, like I was in some kind of pressurized balloon tent. With every waking conscious moment I kept feeling more restricted and confined to have to bear the mounting drama's that kept delivering their scripts for me to read. It was most important, at least for this week, to not run to the "DOLL" cabinet for any chemical to alter the stress, as I wanted to proceed and try and figure this out without the use of extra dopamine.
As I put the key in the door to lock my workweek away I felt the warm sunshine of the late day as it penetrated my skin and I thanked the weather girls for delivering such nice warm weather. I made my way towards the road to begin my walk home hoping very much to walk off the burdens that so plagued me during the week. I found my ear phones and plugged them in to my IPod and wonderfully the music came and began to soothe my ravaged soul. As the shuffled music found its first song, I suddenly had a moment of glee at hearing such an "old friend" sing a long ago favorite that magically transported me away from all the cares and stresses of the week.
Suddenly I was no longer a 57 year old man but began feelings of the 15 year old teenager who had nothing to fear except getting where he thought he needed to be and who would take him there. NO job worries, no mortgage payments or credit card access, just the feeling that there would be another school day and hopefully a little cash that could provide the simplest of desire. The emotions rained upon me as if these last forty two years had never happened and the music ignited the fire's of hope for the tomorrows that did arrive. I had truly forgotten how to feel that hope which seemed so elusive at that time when my youth had the petulant desire to hurry up and get there as I knew I was missing something.

As my music played on in the reality world I drifted further into my past music file and pulled out more details of life from that time. As the tune continued to melodically weave it's spell over me, I went in for a closer look to see where I may have gone wrong in the grand scheme of life and moved around the memories hoping to find my way back to the peacefulness which sweetly surrounded me at that present time. The tears that had been on the brink of falling for days began their descent down my aged face and wet my cheeks. The flood gates of withheld water had burst and in sync with every beat of that wonderful song, tears dripped from my face onto the ground.
Into the world of make believe I had walked and I never wanted to come back as it felt safe and easy. I did not want to exit as the entrance was grand and exhilarating. Emotions were rare and hard to find in the land of my reality. Make believe felt as comfortable as the big T-shirt and cut off shorts that existed within my make believe world. I thanked God for the auto-repeat button on the IPod as my fantasy continued to surround me as I moved down the road with no present consciousness. How did those memory bites unleash those tones of past feelings and realities that were now recognized as sheer delight? Why does the past feel safer than the present? Last but not least the ultimate of all those questions is "What the hell happened along the way" to bring me to where I am today.
The complete book volumes of past realities would probably never answer those questions as they were being printed during the present reality of the actual moments being played out. SO now we just visit that library of the past life books in hope that the memory will give way to the many questions that are created by choices we made during the process called "Life".
I have absolutely no recollection of how I arrived at my home destination as my fifteen minutes into the looking glass was dispelled with the first noticed crunch of the gravel as I made my way back to the present reality called home. As I trudged slowly up the path I looked around and viewed the early signs that fall was approaching and soon the leaves would fall. Colors were beginning their changes on the trees and around the yard laid the early fallen leaves. I took a deep breath and wanted back in the looking glass to view the fall's of my past yet my present moment gave way to the vision I saw spreading before me. It stalled my movement and I stared into my spatial reality and acknowledged that this moment would one day be recognized as easily as my youthful memories. Going back to the past will always confirm that I did go forward and made progress despite those times of weighted life issues.
I think it is important to revisit the areas from where you came from but the most important thing is to recognize your present situation. While we often will want to change the past because it "felt better" the fact remains that even in those yesterdays there were problems that seemed almost impossible to overcome. Time has erased those thoughts leaving only the happy times to smile about. It's tricky to be lured in so easily by a melody that warms your heart with so much memorable attachment, yet I have realized that even though that melody played early in my life and swelled me with joy, that same melody is being played in my present day and I am grateful to attach newer memories with the old and now I get to play it on the stereo called experience.

I do so enjoy my visits into the land of make believe.
Everything is "La Vie En Rose", yet always upon my exits.....
my skies always seem bluer..... and I know that by remembering the past I must feel joy that at my age I am still able to recall most everything that made my journey to the NOW a most precious reality.

I recommend a visit every now and then, you will get reacquainted with the NOW of YOU.