Outside my door the leaves are falling and soon the rains will come. Like the lyrics in a song I sit and wait for the repeated refrain to bring forth the next few months of nights and a year of days. As the world spins toward the ending of another year, it becomes all to apparent that the time is near to cut the ties that bind and look for a more simpler living environment. The race to be on top has just about reached it's finale, which makes the picture even more clearer as to what must begin to happen next. You would think that maturity would make the process of change... a little easier.... yet it does not.
I look around at the things that must begin to set the swing of motion into progress but fear and unnecessary trepidation stifle any body movement toward action. I seem to feel the need to have a written itinerary to follow but I know very well that will not be the case. So I ask myself everyday "What do I start to do to make the change happen" and so far I have had no bell go off signaling the start for the race of life changes. At times I still feel I am at the starting line in a crouched position, frozen, unable to move as the direction in which to run seems all clouded and the goal post is in a fog. It is a most despicable feeling and one that I am growing tired of feeling. It seems that I am not alone in having these emotions. Some professionals that I have spoken to have categorized the fear(s) as "letting go". Clinging to every object, emotion, and past memory is what will truly prevent my need for the life change that is needed, unless I cut the ribbons that tie the whole spectrum together. My scissors are dull at this moment and the ribbons just fold over the blades instead of actually cutting them into them.
Each night I sleep and in my dreams there lies more angst and I find myself in a subconscious state running toward something that I can't seem to find. I can remember dream scenarios that point to all sorts of interpretive objects, yet I awake recalling them and just add them to the other pieces of the puzzle that still lie on my table of awareness, all unconnected. I am frantically searching for the border pieces and want to fill in the rest of the picture quickly, with hope that the overall picture viewing will bring about the answers that are so lacking at the present time. In actuality though, I will never really "know" what to expect until I cross over the starting line, as the rest of the answers will fall into place as they have throughout the rest of my past living experiences. Believing in yourself and keeping a focus will keep the solid ground footing that is needed in times of change. I recall a lot of the changes from before and my truths of those changes create the atmosphere of uncertainty in not wanting to repeat any of the "lessons learned". Age does grant the wisdom to think first, but too much mental analyzing will shut the whole change process down. It's nature's heart way of sparing you the emotional pain of what the subconscious brain is requesting you to do. I have to keep the faith that I am paying attention to all my surroundings and let the trip unfold as it may. Stressing about it all will never change the final outcome.
Fate has a funny way of appearing when you least expect it to. I have embraced it so many times in my life and have not had one regret in doing so. Yes, there were many moments of being scared that I had made wrong choices. Conclusions of those choices have made me realize that NO choice is a bad one. The "good or bad" choices leave you with knowledge that appeared quietly from each of those experiences. I always walked away with much more than I was previously aware of. How I use that knowledge in my future choices should not be the scapegoat that prevents me from doing something that I innately know is the right path to walk down. Look forward to the new life knowledge that will come from changes in the subconscious and what it is offering you to do.
Fate, to me, is the subconscious receiver that we all have and is defined as INSTINCT. All living animals and mammals use it. The noise and life distractions will stop you from focusing into it. The truth about instinct is that it will never let you down. It is your protective shroud that will always keep you safe in awareness of any given situation.
I took myself clear across the United States, following the instructions that my fate had left for me to read, and was totally unprepared for my new found directions. The agonizing months and years of trusting my "INSTINCT" was very hard. In retrospect, it was only hard when I held on to the moments of thinking that I had made a "wrong choice". In reality, I had completed exactly what I innately knew was necessary to do in furthering my life plan. I put up a fight for no reason except to hold on to a tie that would bind me to my past that held no future unless I let it go and cut my ribbon from my past offering of fate. It is much harder to make that cut than one would think. It is the thinking too much that allows the insecurities and the second fearful guessing to arrive.
Trying to stay centered was the roughest ride that I had to take. Life pummelled me from all sides and the influences of people who cared tugged at my heart endlessly. I painfully moved around the emotion tied to my heart strings and then sensed the innate direction of my INSTINCT that was mixed within all the chaos outside my body.
All I can tell you is that the faith in yourself will deliver the goal post and you will have your fateful touchdown and will have achieved the crossing of the goal line. After that, you will turn around and look at the long field that you had to run down. It took a lot of tumbles and penalties to get there but crossing the fate line was pure joy.
SO ...begin to revel in your accomplishments and be happy knowing that soon.... just around the corner...there will be another gust of wind brought about from a stormy hopeful dream. Then the air will fill the sail on your life ship..... and move you to another chosen direction of your choice just like it did to me.
"I wonder...now, how my life might have been, had I not...cast my fate to the wind"
Thursday, October 21, 2010
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