Tuesday, December 8, 2015


As time once again begins to approach another calendar day that marks the arrival of the beginning of my life and all the subsequent years that have come and gone and brought me to this particular time of presence. Perhaps it is the somber quiet stillness that makes my mind go awry with thoughts of all that has been, thoughts of what could be and the realities of just exactly what a year in ones life can bring. In moments like these the amount of information of truths can be so overwhelming that you can feel frozen with the fears of just what you have been through and how the hell you survived it all.  I look inside my reverie and can feel the tugging of emotions that swell like a tide rising and rushing on to the shore with a force that no one can stop. The water that splashes upon my shoreline are the tears that have been consistently shed each day mixed with the uncertainty of all the tomorrow's that are yet to be.  Not placing myself above others I also have looked at just what my friends have been through and the challenges they also faced. Each day was a struggle to make it through a twenty four hour period of life and as they laid themselves down to sleep I could hear them breathe out a sigh that they had made it thru another day of life that was given to them on their own day of birth.
I have felt the sting from loss of love and seen the ultimate pain of feeling the tragic awareness that once again I am faced to walk the roads alone once more. I watched as I saw the depths of what depression can do to someone and saw that the death of loved ones can make you feel so abandoned that you can barely make it out of bed and the mere thought of having to make a decision of what to do can be the hardest thing to even attempt in actions. Add together the second guessing of all the what if's and the fears of an unknown future. The second guesses appear as if a plaque has consumed the logic portion of your brain and has somehow eaten away any semblance of joy or happiness that was ever so elusive before any life tragedy ever happened.
One year of life can bring about monumental changes that you cannot possibly be ready for, yet in an instant a situation can appear and bring about hope and resilience. If even for a moment you can feel the human adrenaline that gives you the strength to pick up and move forward at least one step at a time. I have kept so much silent and I have seen many a midnight turn into a sunrise in one year of my life. I had no idea that there was an endless water flow from my eyes that could not be turned off and felt the wet dampness of a tear stained pillow every morning and never let on to anyone the gut wrenching pain that I harbored within my physical being.
Like a screenwriters best form of drama I watched as it all played out before my eyes and scene by scene in my life as well as my friends, I witnessed heartache, pain, denial, emotional trauma, debilitating depression and more losses that anyone should ever have to feel in one lifetime. I found myself living the lines that I sing in my love songs and now get just what it means to have unrequited love but at the same time unconditional love that never failed to show up just when I needed it. Knowing that my clairvoyant connection to my friends beat any phone connection I could feel their pain vibrate along with mine. I knew somehow that it would be to my advantage to stand by them in their time of need and allow my four walls to bounce back my emotional upheavals and my canine friend to just be there so I could be somewhat centered to notice what patience, trust and the awareness of accepting one second at a time is really all about.
It takes a lot of courage to be human and take all that can be thrown at you in the game of life. It is by no means for the weak of heart yet with the grace of age you suddenly have the realization of why people check out when it feels like nothing is ever going to get better. Even the power of positive thinking seems all to hard to resurrect and the light that is supposed to be a the end of the tunnel is far to representative of a never ending black hole. The sound of silence becomes deafening as the inward ringing in your ears seems to shut out the words of hope that seems to have disappeared.
How easy it would seem to crawl back into the watery confines of my mothers belly and stay there protected from all that I have come to realize. I guess in retrospect the day that I was to make my presence in this world there was pain involved and while I have no recollection of it in the present consciousness its thrust prepared me for the pain I know as living and the joy of having lived. As it has been said many times that sadness can turn to happiness in an instant and happiness can turn to sadness just as fast. It's definitely how you perceive it all that can make or break your emotions.
So as another chronological number races quickly up the track I have come to the conclusion that even though I have seen incredible changes occur in my life this year I was privy to the power of human resiliency and can see the dim but resonating light at the end of my tunnel of awareness. Standing by my friends, I have seen their metamorphosis take shape and while it seemed ever distant,  they have begun to create their new life galaxy.
In many ways it has been a sort of birth when you consider the amount of circumstances and situations that have brought me exhilarating understandings that what once was will never be again. I will now let the candles on my next cake once again ignite my passion for living and have the hope that the flames will flicker brightly illuminating my birth of another moment that gives birth to another day of what I have come to know as my life.

Thursday, November 26, 2015


Incredible isn't it how the year suddenly advances to the end and the house once again smells like a baked turkey and miscellaneous smells permeate every room. The first sounds of the upcoming season drift in the air and you find yourself humming and reveries of the past sneak in and out of your mind like little movie vignettes. I catch myself looking into the blue sky and wishing I could be on that cloud and look down and be able to see all that once was and all that will be for tomorrow. It astounds me just exactly what a year can create in ones life and the changes that can occur in the moment.
The emotions and up and downs that lead you to life changes and awakenings of things that seem to have suddenly appeared yet were there all the time, it just took timing to put it all together. The awareness of people who come into your life and yet some seem to disappear and never to be heard from again. It now appears to me like some kind of puzzle where each experience is placed into its proper fit and the grand picture will appear that I will see one day.
I ask myself often if running the race of life is the way I am supposed to live yet most times I realize I  no longer want to run in a race I can't win and can't live without at least attempting run the race at all.
My appetite for challenges always sets my pace for the competition but my awareness keeps the perspective at a different level and at this time of life it keeps me in the moment and never off in the unknown future. I can now see the summit and the peak beckons loudly but life and its fundamental slide down to the valley keep my view of reality in tact.
Each day my gesture toward gratitude grows stronger everyday and my thankfulness vibrates with every breath that I take. The excitement of what could arrive tomorrow makes any day the day of thanksgiving very exhilarating as it prepares for the ending of a new year and a new one of beginnings with many new roads that I will walk down. All the new incredible life changes will occur and new people will reshape my puzzle of life. Once again I will look out my window and watch the clouds as they drift by and look down yet once again in hope of seeing what once was and what is  now, which would be considered thanks in giving and receiving everyday of my life.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

A. G. E

Posting some pictures online the other day and then watched as the comments were made. One comment came from my brother who said " God what age has done". I kept myself busy for the rest of the day and in the back of my mind those five words kept vibrating in my mind and just would not leave my thoughts. I revisited my thoughts time and again that afternnoon trying to find the answer to the statement from those words of his response. I did not want to contemplate to far into the past as it would prove to be overwhelming to try to write down all that age has done.
First and foremost is the fact that I am sitting here writing with a mind stuffed full of incredible life experiences both happy and sad and enough knowledge to make me aware of any choices that I will make in my future. I learned that nothing is forever and that having the courage to face each day head on is the only way to experience life. Learning to accept things that are not in my control because there never was control to begin with. Understanding the complexities of human personalities and removing the people that do not vibrate on the same level that I do. Realizing that life in the past and future are not mind sets that I venture into very often and understanding the fact that now is all we really have and should revel in every second of it. Finding that the road to forgiveness was a long and arduous process when all I had to do was open my heart and see that I am not always perfect and neither is anyone else.
Recognizing the friendships that have withstood all that time has given to them and to still be able to call them friends despite the differences and distance that can separate each of us from time to time. Watching how family can grow up and bring such happiness and heartbreak yet still bring joy in the gathering for a holiday.
Remembering the times when parental guidance was such a youthful irritation but wishing that there was a little more input when the going got rough. Missing those phone calls from the parents to ask about your life and receiving suggestions that were never asked for yet were used later in life.
What age has done for each of us can only be answered within the confines of the mind and how you
chose to play the game called life. For my satisfaction age has created the lines of truth that show on
my face and my thinning hair has been created by all the wisdom that is crowded into that orbital shell that sits on my shoulders. 
My vision at times may be a little cloudy but I still see beyond what was and what will be. Hearing has been replaced by finally listening when spoken to. So..in answer to what age has done I know that it has created the life that I know as mine and laid out the paths to wisdom. I greatly understand now what the three letters of the word age mean. 
I think we will all agree ...A mazing G reat E xperiences...to that I say thank you dear age for giving me the ability to say that I have lived through it all!

Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Art Of Catching Trains

As I raced wildly through the hurried crowd at the airport, all rushing to get to the gate where their flight would carry them to their next destination, I began to split my dimension and found myself being lifted from my own destination and into another reality that arranged a different view from above even though my feet continued to walk at a brisk pace.
I looked around at all the humans, all with a different agenda and all not aware of my emotions that were coming into full view as I made my way to the gate of my next space of time. I began to have so many feelings that were coming to me because of the things that I became aware of in the last few days. While going back to my considered home base is a happy thing it was also bittersweet with memories constantly hitting me up one side and down the other.
However on this visit it was not to be one of fun and party lights, no this visit was one of connection and redirection. Sometimes reality can hit you between the eyes and really send you into orbit, but for me it was a calm and peaceful awareness of future things that were yet to come, yet eagerly anticipated.
I embraced the person and my surroundings as if I had never left. I looked around and knew that things were a bit disheveled but still the surroundings felt wonderfully familiar and I instinctively knew that jumping the invisible hurdles would take patience, calmness and support to a friend who carries the same DNA of friendship that I have. I sat, at times, and scanned his aura for the correct way into the process of planning the new directions needed for a positive arrival to the next phase of life. I felt the days still ahead would have to lay down the next set of directions that would eventually lead him from the dark tunnel and out toward the light of a new happier tomorrow.
I often sat quietly and took everything in, silently researching the best way out of the dilemmas that plagued the atmosphere and at what swift pace could end the fears that danced around him. At times the tango dance of fear shrouded his demeanor in a split second.
I asked myself so many times what kind of approach would be the best. Eagerly I wanted the answer to this and many other questions and journaled my request to the universe in hopes of getting an immediate response so that I could move forward in the most gentle way.
Like most things that the universe delivers, the answers just show up in the most distinctive way and it will always be up to you to see the sign that is being given to you.
As we edged toward the starting gate and the boxes began to appear I had my universal answer delivered to me. The awareness completely surrounded me like a divine feeling when you know you are on the right track. To be exact "tracks" would be the necessary items needed to set his newest train on and learning to be the conductor toward his next chapter on the railway of life.
I stood silently there and gazed into a large box of miniature trains and realized at that moment that it resembled his life. All the trains were in plastic boxes all sealed up, unorganized, and not being used as they were meant to be. Those tiny train cars were not on any given track, yet they awaited the linking that would connect them and send them down the track to their destination not yet designated.

Intuitively I knew that I could help in linking his trains together. Support and confidence would help send him down the tracks to an unnamed destination and since he would be the conductor I would still be there at any stop along the way that needed assurance.
I realized that his love of trains was the symbolic propellent toward a new turn of events and the tracks would create the awareness and becoming the universal conductor he would arrive at his new destination and never look back.
It was at the moment of understanding the gift I had been given in having this friendship over the many years of life, that I realized in gazing into the box of train cars that there was truly was an art to catching a train. Innocently and without his own knowledge, he shared that special reality with me. Inside that big box of trains, all safely tucked away in their plastic boxes, laid a future and once they were all linked together, the destinations were limitless. I could feel the shedding of their plastic safe containment and sense the urgency of linking up to the reason for their creation and their desire to travel to destinations unknown.

I came away from my trip with a most distinct awareness. The love from friendship can be quite strong and yet quite fragile. Day after day I became privy to the feelings that had been dipped in depression and kept within a tortured soul. The conversations and emotions that were shared, slowly opened the door toward a hopeful light and a sense joy and direction began to form. It was then that I began to put the pieces together and could feel that I had done something good for a person who holds such a light in my heart.

It was through the tears and trepidations of my own anxiety that I came to realize that the true art of catching trains is seeing the perspective view from within your mind and having the drive and desire to catch the dream inside your heart and just conduct the ride on the train of destiny. For some of us, the art of anything can come naturally, and for others it takes a few times to put the image together. Yet when the image is clear and the horizon seeps in, the arrival at the next depot is exhilarating.

So in closing, the art of catching any train is arriving at the station on time and leaving your past behind you...........All Aboard!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


At the insistence of my inner yearning to do something with the countless number of video tapes that I possessed from years of documentations, I decided to take the time to have all of those tapes converted to digital DVD so that I would not lose whatever masterpiece existed in vivid VHS. After a couple of months of professional copying I had them all reproduced and feared no more about losing lost footage that held some visual proof of moments in my life.

It would seem that I held an impetuous need to watch them but as it would stand I put them safely away into a box for later viewing. It's an unfortunate thing that happens when you complete your deed and then you just have to find a suitable time to watch them. Unfortunately you seem to forget about them and once again they await their debut of viewing enjoyment. It would take almost three years before I retrieved those silver discs and decided that I would like to post some of my favorite moments on YouTube for all the world to see what a fun person I was and to see such crazy antics that I would perform. Much to my surprise I became transported to a visual life that once existed, only this time I was looking from the outside since I had stood inward during the filming of all the moments. While that all seems to be something that would be both enjoyable and fun, what transpired throughout those many hours of viewing pleasure catapulted me into the twilight zone from the past.

Hour by hour I saw all the people and things that once made up my life in those moments of time.

I wanted to feel the memory in a more mature sense but instead I found that I suddenly missed the person that was in the footage that played before my eyes.

Who was that person and where did he disappear to. There were present moments of delight and moments of sadness to see the living people who no longer grace this earthly life and there was a kind of joy that was almost unrecognizable as it emanated from the screen. My heart just continually melted as each disc held so many memories that it began to interfere with my present surroundings. Once again I relived what once was and found myself yearning to be a part of it all again. To say iwas enjoyable would be construed as partially true but I suddenly realized that I missed that person who existed inside those frames of days gone by.

Bit by bit I removed some of those pieces and put them into a folder for easy access to view at my leisure, however I am now left with the feeling that something is so missing within the confines that I call my present life. Perhaps it is my age that is yearning to be frivolous and without responsibility, yet I had responsibility then but somehow there seems to be a huge difference. I feel the burden of grappling for another chance to dream of something that will reinvent and revive my dwindling faith in myself. I have heard it called a middle aged metamorphosis and should not be taken lightly, but the pain inside my silent soul yearns to break free and find the road to my last chapter of  life experiences.

Day after day I try to follow the path to the power of positive thinking and I can hang on to that thread of hope for a while before it once again breaks and I search frantically for another shred to grasp on to to keep my head from going underwater.

When I finished the last of those images that flashed before my eyes I knew that I had opened up a wormhole to some dark center slide and I now have no idea where the hole will drop me. In all those images it seemed so light and breezy yet I am privy to know that it was not always that way. Same deck of cards being played but the present hands now plays the cards all so differently. A wise man once told me that when you turn your cards up one at a time and look at them all and acknowledge each face then you just keep reshuffling the deck and turning those same cards up and it will be up to you as to how you will play the game. You either repeat that same suit or you use strategy to win the new game in that moment of your life. I was never much on card playing and that damn deck still keeps showing up and from my recent viewings of life as it once was, I have once again reshuffled   the deck and now I must face another game of turning the cards over one at a time and reading the faces.

What is it about life choices that make or break a present situation? I still do not have the answer to that question I just know that I must find the answer about myself that will create another video that could be my Oscar winning performance(s). Until such time I will take certain parts from my past and cut and paste certain special parts so that in the final editing I will finally be even more proud of my time and
space in the present.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


In a lunch conversation today the topics merged from one thing to another and then back again. Most things discussed had to do with the current happenings in our lives and how we managed to be where we are today, the now and the present. I kept remembering, as we all spoke, of all the things that I still have not done and how taking the risks and chances to do them all always has to do with stepping over the line and into the unfamiliar scary unknowns that changes bring about. In the confines of risk there always lurks the failure fork in the road that you start to walk down. Almost like having the devil and the angel sitting on you shoulders and each pulling you into different directions. Keeping the pace moving forward and feeling the intuition guiding you seems to stave off the fears that seems to crop up unexpectedly yet the silent insecurities linger just a breath away.
I would have thought that as we mature that the danger of risk should grow less and less but with the valuable amount of information that comes with maturity, it seems to get in the way of solid decision making and keeps you second guessing until you leap and move onward. How is it that we are present to live life when we are really not living it? So, if we are supposed to live life then why do we hesitate when opportunities form within our minds, and the dreams that seem so close by get lost in the shuffle of chaos that we seem to create so easily day to day. The roads less traveled are the roads that I want to continually walk down because there aren't too many people to distract me when going in my chosen direction. The disheveled gravel on the roads is very bumpy and rocky and even though there are pot holes in the road I know I will just step over them and continue to my point of destination. I want to take it to the limit and see just how far I can travel before the roads end.
I believe by taking a less traveled route I will always be able to see that clear day that really does go on forever just by knowing who I really am and where I want to be at any time, and at any place. Trite as it sounds there is no more need to make excuses for who I really am. I have finally learned it's never to late to move on!

Monday, December 24, 2012


Once again another holiday season has rapidly arrived. All around are the sounds and decorations of Christmas and the impending New Year. I ask myself every year how can I find the magic that Christmases past once held. Now as I sit here and write I have yet to find the elusive childhood excitement that came with the magical eve of Christmas Day. It seems my thoughts turn inward and I reflect on the life that is now in the present and look back on the year that brought me to this moment. It seems that my age has taken me on a sentimental journey through the time and space that I now understand as "life". Upon reflection of holidays past I seem to recall with more sentimentality the people that no longer grace my presence, some are still with me and others have moved on to other places or have left this earthly existence. I have learned to not dwell in the past for long and more than ever work extremely hard at staying in the present. It still does not diminish the emotional connection to what once was. I often revel in the joy of those moments and still hold fast to the day when some new memories will fill more of the pages within my book of life. Most of my friends are far away but they appear to be close at hand whenever I need a friend the most. This year brought a lot of retrospective days, a lot of tears and revelations of myself that I was not quite prepared for. In fact I am still reeling from some of them. I can honestly say that I have lived to tell and my greatest loss of the year still tears at my heart on a daily basis. I look around and still reach for dreams that seem rather unachievable yet it seems to be my nature to dare to reach for the things that I have an inner most desire to have or do. Restarting my career once again has created some fear and doubt which seems to be the fuel that drives home some sort of success by proving to myself that I could do it once again. It certainly could not have been accomplished so eloquently without some major help and for the ones that helped me, I am forever in gratitude. So now I begin a new year with hopes of brighter tomorrows and soon will celebrate a ten year relationship commitment. A feat that I never thought I could pull off yet once again the universe provides greatly. Now as the lights glow from the Christmas tree I will try and glow along with it and as I awaken tonight for my secret 4 AM venture to reflect on Christmas Day before the sunrise, I will reach deep inside and allow my emotions to feel this time of the year and give thanks that I made it through another year of life and a season of holiday reflection.