Tuesday, January 15, 2013


At the insistence of my inner yearning to do something with the countless number of video tapes that I possessed from years of documentations, I decided to take the time to have all of those tapes converted to digital DVD so that I would not lose whatever masterpiece existed in vivid VHS. After a couple of months of professional copying I had them all reproduced and feared no more about losing lost footage that held some visual proof of moments in my life.

It would seem that I held an impetuous need to watch them but as it would stand I put them safely away into a box for later viewing. It's an unfortunate thing that happens when you complete your deed and then you just have to find a suitable time to watch them. Unfortunately you seem to forget about them and once again they await their debut of viewing enjoyment. It would take almost three years before I retrieved those silver discs and decided that I would like to post some of my favorite moments on YouTube for all the world to see what a fun person I was and to see such crazy antics that I would perform. Much to my surprise I became transported to a visual life that once existed, only this time I was looking from the outside since I had stood inward during the filming of all the moments. While that all seems to be something that would be both enjoyable and fun, what transpired throughout those many hours of viewing pleasure catapulted me into the twilight zone from the past.

Hour by hour I saw all the people and things that once made up my life in those moments of time.

I wanted to feel the memory in a more mature sense but instead I found that I suddenly missed the person that was in the footage that played before my eyes.

Who was that person and where did he disappear to. There were present moments of delight and moments of sadness to see the living people who no longer grace this earthly life and there was a kind of joy that was almost unrecognizable as it emanated from the screen. My heart just continually melted as each disc held so many memories that it began to interfere with my present surroundings. Once again I relived what once was and found myself yearning to be a part of it all again. To say iwas enjoyable would be construed as partially true but I suddenly realized that I missed that person who existed inside those frames of days gone by.

Bit by bit I removed some of those pieces and put them into a folder for easy access to view at my leisure, however I am now left with the feeling that something is so missing within the confines that I call my present life. Perhaps it is my age that is yearning to be frivolous and without responsibility, yet I had responsibility then but somehow there seems to be a huge difference. I feel the burden of grappling for another chance to dream of something that will reinvent and revive my dwindling faith in myself. I have heard it called a middle aged metamorphosis and should not be taken lightly, but the pain inside my silent soul yearns to break free and find the road to my last chapter of  life experiences.

Day after day I try to follow the path to the power of positive thinking and I can hang on to that thread of hope for a while before it once again breaks and I search frantically for another shred to grasp on to to keep my head from going underwater.

When I finished the last of those images that flashed before my eyes I knew that I had opened up a wormhole to some dark center slide and I now have no idea where the hole will drop me. In all those images it seemed so light and breezy yet I am privy to know that it was not always that way. Same deck of cards being played but the present hands now plays the cards all so differently. A wise man once told me that when you turn your cards up one at a time and look at them all and acknowledge each face then you just keep reshuffling the deck and turning those same cards up and it will be up to you as to how you will play the game. You either repeat that same suit or you use strategy to win the new game in that moment of your life. I was never much on card playing and that damn deck still keeps showing up and from my recent viewings of life as it once was, I have once again reshuffled   the deck and now I must face another game of turning the cards over one at a time and reading the faces.

What is it about life choices that make or break a present situation? I still do not have the answer to that question I just know that I must find the answer about myself that will create another video that could be my Oscar winning performance(s). Until such time I will take certain parts from my past and cut and paste certain special parts so that in the final editing I will finally be even more proud of my time and
space in the present.

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