Saturday, November 20, 2010


Lately I have been looking deep into the deepest corners of my mind and pulling out the files that have been long overdue to be thrown away. This particular cabinet was completely stocked with old mind written information that pertained to the cases of control that were always fought and constantly lost in the court of personal identity. Inside those rusty file drawers laid the crux of my present demise. The more files I pulled out, the more apparent it was that I have been stuck in the window seat and unable to get access to the aisle for my escape. That particular seat did not have the view that most people hope to see when gaining altitude.
I always liked the emergency exit row as it was my saving grace whenever I was ready to flee the scene of some disjointed scenario that did not go my way. It spilled over into any present activity and I always waited near any exit door to rush quickly out and regain my freedom and my disillusioned security that was really never there.

Things and situations, lately, have come to my attention by having opened that file cabinet. I am now in search of that shredder that will tear apart the paper trail toward the control route. That trail of disrepair can no longer be followed due to it's physical distress and unsteady ground. The first drawer of yellow dogeared files have been destroyed leaving behind a void that is resonating with plenty of uncertainty. It has been a most arduous and very present awareness that has to be focused on daily. The same life things still arrive just testing me to unlock that emergency door and the temptation to flee never leaves my mind. I resist, persist and move on without giving in to my persuasive subconscious mind which is intent on moving me to old habits.

Having the sense to know when to quit is my strength. My future seems hauntingly dismal, yet that fact does not distract me from yearning for the time when I get to rebuild the "better me". I will probably walk away with nothing but many voids to fill yet my respect and dignity will show me the way toward the amazing reality of knowing myself as I never have before. For the first time in my life I am really ready to like who I am. There have been certain things that I had lost in the space of time and now they have been found when going through those lost file. Who I am going to become when the last of those old files are fragmented into indiscernible specks, will still remain to be seen.

There is an underlying excitement that peeks out at me from time to time and makes me more aware that I am following exactly what has been planned. Learning to release the control issues will hopefully allow the natural flow of universal energy to move through me once more. There are times when we all get lost on the trails of life. We walk the paths that we feel we need to go down when making decisions and choices. The theory is to never lose yourself when traveling those roads yet we all lose certain parts. Inside the core person that is ME there are a few things that need to be reborn and renewed. I am now ready to put those missing parts back where they belong and feel the presence of who I once knew.

The endurance of dear friends have helped me throughout this metamorphosis. I once believed it could never get worse than the first time when I experienced pains of uncontrolled and unhappy endings, yet this will rate a ten on the scale of emotional anguish. When you add the second guessing game into the picture and the mountain of ambiguity it does not end with a solid finale. How I plan to take the next step is still being decided upon. I will now rest assured that my future does not have to need a furtive plan, it just needs faith that I will be going to where I need to be and the rest will come along when the timing is right.

I have spoken about the joy stick of control that rests no more within my reach, and I don't intend to ever reach for it again. If my strength can hold out and my resistance remains intact, then I will find the person that once was and the adjustments will add to the happiness I seek just around the corner. Chances are I may have do it alone, but then again the distractions will never be the issue when an emergency exit is needed.

Once the exit door is firmly locked and my eyes are on the target then my wings will fly me to where I need to be and the landing gear will set me down on the runway of my future.

How I secure it ..................well, I will just have to wait and see............

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Whenever I sit down and start to write I have ten million receptors going off inside my head and all of them have a story that wants to be written. It is confusing to try and place the words in an order that would appeal to any reader and at least capture their attention enough to complete the story. Within each of us there is a story to tell that would keep any one's interest when shared with the reader who relates to it. I find that each day that I sit and write, another part of me gets rediscovered. To find oneself is the key to living, it's how we live that defines our life. Waking up to discover that the path that you have been traveling is of a dead end, suddenly a signal appears to turn into a new direction. When traveling along your choice of road remember to pay attention to the silent conversations that are in the wind that blow through your mind's open window.

I recall many of those conversations, all of them totally within the confines of my mind. They quietly adjusted my destiny and shaped the mixed up crazy person that I am today. It takes courage to listen to them but I can tell you, they will save your life, time and time again. I somehow lost the connection to them a while ago, but I have regained some composure and have intercepted the signal once again. This leads me to believe that universal messages that were so undeliverable are now being forwarded at an alarming rate. I have begun to realign myself and put away the joy stick of control. I never could adapt to that damn thing anyway.

As the fall drops its rain water and sheds its leaves, I am faced with another reminder that change is upon us. I still want to travel back to my youth and be giddy knowing that the holidays are quickly approaching and that also meant that another birthday would be just around the corner. The youthful birthdays were joyous occasions as it was all about the gifts and parties. Now it seems that mum is the word and nary a mention of the chronological age number. Would I want to go feel no responsibility and to just revel in the innocence of the unknown. The early signs of awareness became the enlightenment of each new day. I remember the conversations of the teachers who stood in the classrooms and talked endlessly about things that we did not really want to know about. many times I was shaken back into reality as those silent conversations in the wind transported me to another dimension. I listened intently and discovered their realities later in life. That voice that talked to me was my life's intuition and was responding to my call to destiny. Whether it rang clearly to me from a played 45rpm record or arriving in a daydream, the words spoke of clarity and I listened to my pied piper.

We all must follow our suite of songs and wear our coat of armour to protect from the batterings of being human. If you take the fall at least the coat will protect you from unwanted bruising of the heart. It will be from the original table of contents that you will be able to begin your next chapter in the book of your life.

The words on the paper will serve as the reminder of those passing conversations that blew through the windows of your mind. With each gust of wind it filled the sail that brought you to the arrival of your DESTINATION. That word which fully explains...........D E S T I N Y.
How you communicate......well,...that will deliver the conversations that will be heard in the wind.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


"Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars" Those lyrics resound loudly in my "mind of "MyTunes". I stepped outside this morning and looked upward to a still and dark sky as the sun had not began its ascent toward morning light. At a time of the year when the breaking of morning comes fairly late, I was overwhelmed at all the stars that were there for my viewing pleasure. Considering the fact that the NW rain showers have been sneaking in frequently, it was a gift to see such clear skies and feel that unusually warm morning breeze. As I stood there gazing upward in my solitude, my dog wandered out on the deck and also glanced upward, at that time we both witnessed a bright shooting star that made a long presence on that starry early morning sky. I was pleasantly surprised at how long it showed its lighted path to the somewhere we always wonder about. I could not help but think of all the times I have had the rare pleasure of seeing that amazing streak of heavenly activity, pass before my eyes. Each one that crossed my visual path over the years took with it a wish and a hope that all might come true by sending the wishful thought as a companion to travel with it's destination. Each of us, I believe, has a star that is specifically our own. Whether we can see it or not, it is out there, shining it's light on us and most of the time we don't even know it.

While we take for granted that the sun will rise tomorrow and the stars will be in the sky at night, the absolute truth is that nothing should just be assumed until it makes it's entrance into the present. There is a peaceful feeling in knowing the chain of events that will take place from day to day, yet that one unassumed situation comes from out of nowhere puts you in a tailspin causing your private flight to be disrupted and cancelled. My "on time" flights have recently been discontinued due to technical difficulties, but are still on the delayed flight schedule till further notice. I must admit that my own selfish summations have created the disruptive service on the flight agenda. Taking a long look in that sky this morning has renewed my hope that the repairs are being done in a timely manner and soon the mental tower will give a "go ahead" call and then my plane will taxi toward the runway on it's way to an "on time" arrival to wherever.

I wonder how many people this morning, at the same time, saw that burning shooting star. Did it burn out and die or did it streak onward to infinity? Ah...those questions with no definite answers are mind boggling. It seems lately that I have a much firmer understanding to let go of having to have all the answers at once. While putting it into motion has been taken with small insecure steps, I can now begin to remove the attempts of always trying to be in control and just take it one minute at a time. At this stage of the process that is the best that I can do.

As the sun makes its entrance into the day I can see the light beaming off the autumn leaves and exposing their last russet moments before they fall to the ground to start the process of renewal again. I would like to believe that at this time my fall is preparing me for the renewal that will come my way soon.

I will now make another attempt to walk through another day and I will cross off another item on my list in preparation for my trip to the moon. That chance glance into the early morning sky will be with me all day. That rare moment that suddenly appeared will be indelibly inked in my mind and the memory will light my way when I least expect it to. Like the light from the moon illuminates the darkness, I realize the power that hangs above in the night sky. It can move mountains with its energy, pull the tides to and from the sea and make rivers suddenly run dry. Yet in all matters human I have to remember there is something else divinely in charge.

My visual flight to the moon this early morning opened my eyes a little further toward my destiny just around the corner.