Friday, March 26, 2010


I never imagined myself afraid of taking risks and chances where change of life and venue's were concerned. I would leap blindly off the mountain and hope to land standing upright and then walk forward. I learned to survive in school by doing this and it would continue into my personal choices in life decision's. The fears I feel now about past decision's are a product of the knowledge that I learned from living the realities I created by those giant leaps of faith. I sometimes shutter to think that I actually made that decision and lived to tell.
The restrictions that came with a family unit were destroyed when my parents split due to marital difficulties. I held tight to my convictions that no one would slow me down anymore, and quite frankly, no one attempted to. If there was something I wanted to do, I just did it. Should there be a place I wanted to go, I left on my own and went there. I had an attitude that comes with youth, to be impervious to anything and unaffected by any guidance. The arrogance of it all now seems so mind boggling. No regrets, mind you, but an awful lot of reality that contributes to the change in attitude that maturing has done.
When you converse with people you find that many have really never taken that leap into something that had no solid ground to land on for fear of failure. That is always the deciding factor when taking any risk. I have learned to understand the mechanics by which I learned to navigate the uncertainties. The failure to even think about what might happen should I take the chance, never seemed to enter my mind. It would appear to most people as ridiculous by not thinking things through first, but I felt it would take too much time to scan all the negative issues of the "what if's", so I just risked it all and let the chips fall into place. Interestingly enough, the actual fears would surface long after the initial approach into my decision. Time and time again I would await the next adventure and just go with what it would have in store for me.
I recall many evenings of total silent fears coursing through me which made for long unrestful nights, but as usual, the sun rose and a new day would offer a new insight and the fears just faded into the light of day. I would never allow many people to know of my quiet distress as I did not ever want to hear an "I told you so", but then again no one ever wants to hear those words. While it would seem that would be some sort of wake up call to pay more attention, I would take the lessons learned from the previous leap and stuff it into my parachute for the next jump that awaited me at some other time.
Youth does give you the feeling of invincibility, albeit a very misconstrued attitude, but it does lend the hand in risk taking. By today's standards it would wain considerably, teetering on the brink of boredom for the "Now" generation as technology has moved forward at an amazing speed and offers horizons beyond what I could see in my generation. Still, seeing beyond what is, is the much needed mirage in one's search to quench his thirst at the oasis of experience. From the adrenaline rush of the first risk you become hooked on the mind drug needed to get you to the next rush that chance can offer. The display of any deep secret internal fears for everyone to see was not an option, as determination became the coat that I would wear to keep them hidden. The fears of flying are the derisive results that appear in any risk or chance that you may act on, but they make you create a keener view of exactly where your headed.
Look, Leap, and Live!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


It was a very sad and deeply moving day for all of us when my older sibling took to the skies and flew into the Air Force. Not getting much choice as to which branch of the service he would have to join, it would be the choice of the Air Force that my Mother would make for him. She feared the Army and the Vietnam war that had killed so many unfortunate people, so off he went to the service that had been chosen for him. While it may have been a sad day for Mother, it would be the grandest of a day for me as my nemesis had left and I only had myself to fear. My Father quietly kept his emotions on that day to himself, like always, but I knew that his own memories of that same moment when he left his parents to serve his country, voraciously tugged at his heart eventhough no sound or physical communication followed. It would be the straw that would break the marital contract. While my Mother sat distraught with sadness that her oldest had left the nest, my Father shed no sympathy except denial and quietude which grew into a huge deafening emotional explosion. It had been building up for a very long time and the departing of my brother to the military service brought it all down with one big blow up.
For many days to come the emotional tension hung in the air like heavy thick fog. This would make for intense moments that could be set off no matter what you might say in a conversation. The line of patience had been stepped over and there would be no turning back as their marriage had failed. I secretly hoped for a quick and uneventful finale, but that would not be in my favor as the tension and verbal wars would continue until her exit. That day of departure would resonate in my mind for weeks and it would impact the facts as I saw them.

I saw that sign over and over and dutifully obeyed my hearts command.
I have to hand it to her, her exit plan went smoothly and uneventfully. One moment there and the next meticulously removed from our lives.
Bing, Bang, Bong! goodbye
Selfishly and immaturely, I celebrated the removal of another obstruction to peace and quiet. While she was my Mother, those last few years of cohabitation were miserable. You would never know when the eruptions would occur, and it made for tense living quarters. Lucky for my brother as he avoided the dismal end and all the catastrophes that would culminate in the final days till "E-day" (exit day).
My father and I were explicably told not to tell my brother of their imploded relationship and to NEVER mention that divorce was just around the corner. He was to be spared the drama and all that came with the termination of the two people he knew as Mom and Dad. Why I was not spared would never bring about an answer to my satisfaction. I have accepted the fact that she saw me as the enemy in my Father's camp and my resolute opinion's of her did not make for her complacency to stay in the marriage and work things out. There were two of us against her and she felt that she had no other alternate route but to exit for her own survival.
I pitied my Father's inability to talk things out and to resolve the seemingly unresolvable issues that created the demise of their marriage. I could see he was no match for her verbal attacks and it was just easier to throw in the towel in order to gain some sort of compromise. He would just give up and shut down over and over again. I watched it all with a front row seat, the movie, however, was not my choice as the ending did not make me smile, or have the happy Hollywood ending. No, it was a drama beyond anything I had ever seen and would definitely earn the Oscar for best "Screamplay" and mean sound bite editing.
It was shot in "Techni-difficulture" and the writing faltered due to communication breakdown between the actors. The critics would have panned this and I would equate it to a "D" (dismal)movie.

The aftershocks of the eruption in our lives were of a huge surprise and continued day in an day out. My father refused to acknowledge what transpired except to say that it was time for her to go. Mother on the other hand expected him to go running after her and when he did not show up the first few weeks after her departure, she became even more enraged. It seems that she was being supported by her friends and my Aunt, to leave my Father as most all of her supporters were divorced women left to their own demise. So why not bring another into the circle, afterall it was the mode of things to do in the 1960's. To be the free swinging single woman and go have a great was the thing to it seemed for my Mother.....only it backfired with unforeseen emotions that surfaced later in her own private hell.
The insecurities that she felt by making her own choice to leave the marriage would spill over into our lives like a silent virus. You just never knew what to expect from her or at what time she would show up unannounced or start the relentless phone calls brought on by the hangups of angry condescending phone calls to my Father. It was truly a case of no longer being in control of our lives that consumed her when she was not at work. Unfortunately the much needed reprieve we would get would only last until the evening hours and then it would repeat itself again and again. My poor Father would come home from work and just play hide and seek. He would never answer the phone in order to stave off any more judgemental conversations. I would answer and cut the calls short and just unplug the line so that some sort of peace could be found, if only through dinner. I could never understand why she didn't connect with the way she was acting and the shrew she had become. Emotions ran high and uncontrolled with her. Only now I see that I inherited the same ability to dissolve when control is taken away by my own choice. Absolutely debilitating when being played out, and humbling when recognized and accepted. Recognizing and changing your actions will make for a calmer life.

After many weeks the constant aggravation began to subside. We began to have peaceful evenings and conversing dinners. I took on the role of Mrs. Homemaker and held the home unit together. I cooked, cleaned, did the laundry and shopped at the market. We were just two bachelors sharing a home and I could finally begin to see some sparkle back in my Father's eyes. Once the momentum of not buying into her actions paid off she began to get on with her life, which was fine for her but not fine for my Father to do the same thing. It was the ultimate "double" standard of lost love. "I can be happy and move on but your not allowed". The moment my Father met his next relationship and Mother found out, the explosion would be heard across the state.
The havoc created from insecure assumptions is detrimental and dangerous to anyone wearing any shade of envy. Trouble started from the first knowledge of my Father's new friend. The jealous boxing gloves came out and Mother was not going to allow this "friendship" to go on. Only this time she would find that a sleeping tiger had busted open the door to his invisible cage roaring back loudly and ready for his prey. To say that it was stunning to see it all play out was mild, it was astounding to see my Father take back his respect back calmly and furtively.
I was both proud and taken aback by his resounding language and amazed at how simple and pointed the conversation was when my Mother cornered him to confess about his new love. I am still haunted by the devastating look that seemed to overtake the anger that she had arrived with and how her ego left shattered pieces scattered on the floor when she left the house after my Father took his stance on the matter. It is a truly difficult thing to see the people who are supposed to be your guides in life, unveil their private feelings in front of their child. The horror of how this all went down would suspend any feelings I may have had in seeking a relationship in my future.
This would begin the healing process that was long overdue for the both of them. All I wanted was to be left out of anymore confrontations and to just get out of school and get away to start my own life. The one major thing about all of this personal drama unfolding around me, was that it made me go deeper inside myself and to turn up my human shield to ward off any contender who may want to have a go at being together. It corrupted my psyche for many years until I reshuffled my deck and turned the cards up one at a time with the help of my shrink who in no uncertain terms made it very clear that I needed to leave the past behind and not walk those roads anymore. I no longer had a crutch to lean on and to give me reason to avoid any personal dramas. The drama's and the comedy's are what life is all about. Just because your parents did not grab the golden ring does not make it unattainable for you to not grab it. I took his advice very suspiciously and learned to take the chance that he had spoken of.
I can see that a lot of my own personal roadblocks have been silently hidden from what I saw back long ago, and only now they are being addressed. I have a lot of support and conversive therapy from friends and colleagues which has made the past actualities hazy. Now I can understand the complexities that my parents had to
overcome and I view their lives differently now.
There were many things I failed to notice and my immature comprehensive skills produced selfish one sided conclusions.
These two people loved each other very much once, I have the letters to prove that, yet that was not enough to sustain such heavy blows to each others emotional bear traps. Somewhere and sometime they lost each other at some cross street.
Each one a survivor and each one left the earth never really learning the power of forgiveness.

Knowing the true meaning of forgiveness can alter your entire being. I have learned that meaning and everyday I am thankful that they loved just enough to give me life and to show me that happiness and pain is needed to make me feel alive each day. I love them both for that and still miss them to this day.

I never use the word D I V O R C E anymore as it sounds to much like a tear jerkin' country song.
That sounds safe and easy.
It is verbally accurate because when their marriage flight was cancelled they both had to be rerouted to new destinations where each had to purchase their own one way ticket to the rest of their life.

Saturday, March 20, 2010


I seem to recall many growing emotions that began identifying the facts of my sexuality. Evidently the personality of it protruded outwardly and was recognized early on by a few but still it was something you were to NOT speak about.
In scanning the jumbled pages of my mind for the beginnings of these feelings, I seemed to cognitively remember my first awareness of being different. I so vividly remember a trip to the beach with a bunch of family members. I was about to start second grade and summer vacation was almost over. It was a day that every kid loved with the activities abounding and the beach which made for the perfect afternoon. As the day wound down I recall all of us boys were taken up to the showers to rinse the sand off us and out of our bathing suits. My uncle volunteered to take us all together. He was a tall lanky man who had the looks of Cary Grant and the physique that went with it. The scent of "Old Spice" added to the aura of his true maleness. He was very outgoing and enjoyed all of us kids.
Everyone got rinsed off but as usual I was the last one to catch and to be rinsed and dried off. He playfully grabbed me, doused me with the shower and then quickly wrapped me in the big beach towel. He held me close to dry my body off, and as he held me close his tenderness melted away my struggle. I clung to him and didn't want to let go as he was gentle and loving. At that moment I experienced my first feeling towards the male persuasion. No one would ever know how I felt that day, and how it guided me towards my awareness.
My dislike for all things sports like was the first major giveaway and the desire to want things "girl-like" and gentle came natural for me. I preferred a stuffed toy, or something doll-like that could be my companion and security blanket. My awareness of all things fashionable and Hollywood would take my attention instantly. The music I idolized was of the female persuasion and the emotional connection that came from their voices sent me spiraling into another dimension.
Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz was who I wanted to be like as she dreamed for something bigger and better. It would become my favorite movie as it would be for many other men of similar persuasion. Who knew that the "Rainbow" would symbolize a movement of change that impacted so many people.

My childhood "boyfriends" were similar kindred spirits and we had many of the same interests that made others look at us as differently. It was the "Normal" people that I stood up to because I recognized that they were the ones who had the unhappiness to be like all the rest. Being different was who I always wanted to be and to stand out. As I have written before, all who wronged me by being mean and verbally cruel, paid my price of retaliation.

It was enforced, a silent law that said all boys had to like girls. Somehow, I did not get the handbook about female attraction or the memo for updates. Girls were my best friends but to feel the attraction like other boys did, well it was not input into my hard drive. The girls were always around, and why not, I was attentive and could do their hair and give them tips on what looked best on them. I was safe to be with and was very respectful of them. That was definitely something that the "All American High School Jock" at my school didn't know how to do, but then again for me the All American Jock, personally with me, he did know what to do and how to do it, he just did not want anyone to know that he played in that particular field.
The secrets that we kept in those school years were heavy and undulating. You had to roll with the flow and keep your eyes open. That was very tough to do when you knew that you were hiding something that could make or break you. Mostly I youthfully feared the unknown and most times I could have cared less what they would think of me, but still I parlayed into the world of school.

I readily accept how odd that must have been for my Mother to know intuitively of my orientation. Her fears that I couldn't take care of myself were extinguished by my aggressive attitude, but she was still uncertain for my later years. My Father just went with the flow and kept his head in the sand and my brother made sure that I wore the "sissy" label loudly and made it his goal to point out my different traits to the other bruisers he called his friends. True sibling torture, yet such an impact on my soul.
There was no word invented for my identity yet, just derogatory slang that was deficient in truth. The terms were mean, cruel and extremely hurtful. I dismissed all of them as dirty language that should be squashed from the dictionary. Coming into my own identity was confusing as my intuitive signals were being disrupted by peer pressure.
I wanted to fit in on my terms but would find myself being integrated with the group which forced me to stand out of the ring and just look in appearing "normal".

I found myself working hard to be attracted to girls for the same sexual reasons most teens did. Those early "love" attempts were surprisingly interesting yet they lacked something. I had yet to know what that would be, but I somehow knew it was lurking just around the corner. Lucky for me it would be in the form of a best friend who would guide me in for a safe landing.
Becoming aware of my sexuality was like climbing a mountain. The energy in every step propelled me to another level of awareness. The physical transformation produced changes that my mind had yet to catch up to as I never had the parental talk about adolescence and all that came with adulthood.

I could tell that my soul connected to a different realm of life, but I still had to find which flight I needed to get on. I had my passport in order, my picture inside was perfectly clear, but.....I still needed to study my travel guide as my tour of adult life was just beginning.

BREATHING AIR....a short ditty

We come into this world totally void of emotions, prejudices, and assumptions.
About the only thing we knew how to do when born was to cry when hungry and to suck voraciously and to breathe to stay alive. The latter is the most important part that we seem to lack the ability to do. "Just Breathe" Take in some fresh clean air and let all the emotions, prejudices, and assumptions melt away by calmly breathing. Awfully easy to write about but difficult,it seems, to put into action. Like a rain shower from a heavy dark cloud passing over, we wait anxiously for the clouds to move on so the sun can shine again. It's trite and simple but the waiting game is a hard game to play. I want results now and most everyone else feels the same way. That is not a surprising realization, considering the pace we put ourselves through on a daily basis. All racing to get somewhere and upon arrival to the place you thought you should be, you realize that is not where you were headed. Somehow the road split and you missed the turnoff sign, and took the wrong exit.

So here you are, now breathe, and calmly focus on how you got there in the first place.

It's not the breathing that's the problem, it is the time it takes to be calm and review things about yourself that need to be tuned up and realigned.
The flight computer known as my brain, has had many file corruptions, several shut downs and many memory cards expanded. When out of control my hard drive goes manic and looks for the answer as fast as it can, yet never fast enough. The emotions go awry, the prejudices take over and the assumptions finish it all off. I forgot to breathe! For the amount of time it takes to panic, I would have had time left over if I had just taken in some air to purify my angst. It's an age old story that needs to be put to use as the conclusions will always remain the same and the file corruptions that have occurred in the past are now barely recognizable.
The realignments,for me, have started and the badly needed emotional tuneup now will carry me through the life changing leaves of my autumn years. In the years ahead I know that I will take the time to breathe as if I had just begun life. Sadly,it took so long to recognize the power of breathing in as it can change your disposition in a split second.

A word for the wise: Before you hop on board to your next destination take a moment to breathe in all the elements of what you are about to do. See, Hear and Feel the center point of your emotions and then fly outward towards destiny. It awaits you!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Taking a solo flight in life does have it's fine qualities and yet when you encounter other passengers along the way it's makes the destination take on a new meaning. The people that come in to your life will always add dimension and character. It can lead to a lifelong association with someone who can truly understand and love you for who you are. Through all the happy and sad, good and bad, the silent and the reuniting times. Each moment meticulously sculpted out of friendship and the passing of time. You could never know when these passengers would show up, they just came on board mysteriously connected to you and you knew you would know them the rest of your life.
We don't get many of these passengers in our lives, so you must respect and nurture them safely, so you can rely on their presence when you need them. We encounter thousands of people in a lifetime and only the very few take hold and grow deep in your heart. My few life passengers have known me longer than I even knew my parents and yet here they still are. Most times I don't even need a telephone for any communication all I have to do is think of them and I can expect an immediate return call of a connecting thought to reassure me that they are on my mind wave length and there if I truly need them. It is the silent telecommunication that shows that you are connected to the bonds that friendship offers.

My first and longest life flight passenger arrived through a most precarious situation. I noticed him from afar at a party that I was attending. He was boyishly handsome, tall and very slim and I noticed his tousled blond hair gleaming from the light that was glowing from the chandelier that hung in his dining area of the apartment that was connected to the home from where the party was being held. After many other new greetings I made my way towards his apartment. Being an inquisitive teen I was also being snoopy while a lot of people were milling around where he stood. At first I thought he had a physical leg defect due to an odd walking gait but was happy to find out that it was only a cast that caused unusual limping. After our introduction, he explained his unfortunate injury with hilarity and I could not stop the laughter that sprang forth, most rapidly. I did not give a thought that I may have hurt his feelings by laughing and he quickly pushed away any fear that I may have insulted him by my naive attitude. I was drawn to his humor and his wit. He was savvy and wise and could read people by great observation the way I could. I could sense that he seemed to understand my young innocence and there at those early moments of meeting would be the person that I would know for over forty years.
We had a lot in common especially our love for music and records. A culmination of our early life stories and situations created the perfect scenario for new friendship. There would be so much shared laughter that all of it would turn the world around with joy and still have more to share. When I look at where we are today I don't see any difference in physicality or age marks, I still see the tall skinny young man that still can make me laugh till I cry and cry till I laugh. He was my mentor, yet he never knew that I quietly always wanted his respect and approval. He would always keep me aware of things so that I would not stray to far off the path. He taught me how to savor the liquid spirits and the appreciation of different cuisines. Our ability to keep from getting bored would always bring about chaos no matter how we tried to avoid it.
I was always an accident waiting to happen due to my undiagnosed A-D-D, and he would remind me of things that I would need to do so that I would not create, destroy or get in to something that would be detrimental to my well being. When we were together the male counterparts to Lucy and Ethel would appear with hilarious situations in pursuit. One word could set off a chain of unforgettable results. Whether we were at home, in a store, or a car the endless eruptions in laughter would end only after we would walk away from each other in order to gain some sort of composure and upright stance from painful stomach muscle cramps brought on by relentless laughter. Our bodies would resonate with youthful endorphins that were created by two people igniting their sense of humor. We have the ability to speak to each other without saying a word and can predict what will come next from each other. We were young and we had the world at our feet. Our thoughts were high and we looked forward to the next adventure we would share. Some situations led us down a one way street going the wrong way and others led us down cobblestone streets that would forever paint our minds with jostled memories that still continue to keep us smiling and weary of Dutch cabs.

As with any friend there are changing life choice times that can separate you. Personal choices can take you away to a different living area or a scenario would occur that would make you feel that a little time apart would be the best thing. It's those quiet moments of friendly separation that you can still feel a connection around you and you somehow would know that time will put it all back in order and you would continue down a new road. Situations and emotions make that thin line between love and hate. We both have done things that have made us cross that line. Somehow crossing that line would always lead us back to each other, wiser and very happy to be reunited again.
When I have felt very afraid and inexperienced in the relationship department, he possessed the amazing ability to take the risks that come with loving any human. It is an admiration that was silently watched and revered. I would always try to understand how he did it so eloquently and with aplomb. When changes were thrust upon him willy nilly he became a survivor. I fortunately was able to be there for his support when all else seemed dark. I have learned how to be stronger because of his presence in my life.

Like spies on a subway train we have crossed many bridges and sailed the seas and wreaked havoc in the Caribbean, South America and Europe. We have boundlessly crossed the United States where we have left our mark of laughter wherever we happened upon. In times of crisis we respond without even having to use a telephone as the transference of information is immediate and received telepathically. It may sound strange and weird yet the bond of friendship that ties is the invisible wireless link that keeps us connected.

I try to fly often with this life passenger. I know that there are still many reservations planned and I intend to cash in my tickets on this shared ride of friendship. I can't even imagine a life not knowing this man or feeling the admiration that took many years to grow. Most people don't take the time to let their feelings be known to people that they greatly respect, but I know that we take the time to make each other aware of how lucky we are to be ONE in friendship.

We may be older but our laugh factor has not diminished, our clairvoyance is sharply tuned and any Supremes song will still make us harmonize on cue. Afterall isn't it all about harmony?
For my life song, I will always have a partner (you know who you are), it's a duet that would make any person envious and want to reserve a seat on our flight just for the entertainment.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


It started off simple, and it was just your average confusing dream, yet upon awakening, the after effects burned in my mind like a candle with a lighted wick that you can't put out by just blowing on it. At first the pieces did not seem all that important but over the next few months a scattered scenario would become a frightful nightmare that would continue to add extra confusing scenes and leave me with a silent fear that something was up. My radar was honing in on something brewing and I had no idea what it was trying to tell me. I would try to talk about it with my Mother who as usual would dismiss the dream as a silly nightmare and to just forget about it all. That was so easy for her to say, she was not the one holding that scenes and confusing information inside a head that was already crowded with too much information.
I tried to take her advice and just put it out of my mind and let the radar feeling go but no amount of loud Beatles music or the sweet sounds of Brenda Lee could sway the fears away completely. Each night that I slept the recurrence of the jumbled information would become more defined. As the dream continued nightly the people and places all began to fit into one finely edited mind film. I became obsessed with anxiety as to what the hell was going on inside the orb that sat upon my shoulders.
I dare not take another stab at retelling the story again to Mother as she had already heard it many times before and still came up with a response that was just too generic for me. This had to mean something and yet I had no concrete answer as to what that might just be.

This particular nagging dream had all the familiarity of something that had already passed and had played out exactly as I had seen in an subconscious state. A scene that repeated until it became a reality. Firstly assuming it to be another forgetful dream, I dismissed it and did not focus on it. It would soon become reality and in a split second it was over. When your dream starts to become a reality you are quite helpless and are not able to alter the outcome as it happens so very fast.
On this particular day our uncle had been visiting for a while. He was a funny man with a cleft palate who talked oddly and he had the best sense of humor that compensated for his disability. He would visit often and that always made for lots of laughter when he was near. We were kids and hearing him speak nasally, was hilarious to us, but we dare not let him know we thought it sounded funny. I already knew what it was like to be different. Mother did not like us to be in the car with him due to his erratic driving abilities, but that bit of instruction went in one ear and out the other. I decided that it would be a great idea to get a ride to the record store as he was always eager to please us kids and since my brother was not at home and I had the sudden urge to take advantage of his vehicle, I asked him to drive me to the store and did not heed my Mother's advice. That would prove to be a bad omission from my present state of reality.
We were less than a mile from home when the cognitive realities of my dream began to play out like a video being shown inside my head, I suddenly knew what was around the corner if we proceeded further and became frantic with fear. I spoke of urgency and told him to turn around and go back home, but I was hysterical and he just shrugged it off and continued on. I was out of control with fright and just as we crossed the neighborhood intersection he ran a stop sign and a car decided to greet us on my side of the door. End of dream! I knew the ending and tried to stop it but to no avail. I walked away with a broken shoulder and a morbid fear of my uncle and of that intersection.

It was because of this situation that I became overly focused on the major reoccurring dream of current day reality. I had learned from the previous
debacle to pay attention to detail and I wanted to change the outcome. We all know how that doesn't happen easily. As the time moved on with nothing happening in relevance to my dream, it slipped from my constant focus and settled somewhere between fantasy and reclusive reality. Life just moved on and left me on my own yet the emotional connection kept me in touch with how I felt inside. For this particular dream would not rear it's reality force until later. By the time I knew what was happening, I had no way of altering the end. In looking back on it and how it all played out, I am lucky to have not been a participant in a reality that really seemed as if I was there. Now I understand that I never was really present, I observed what could happen and viewed it from afar.
It started off like any other day, it was Friday which always brought joy as the weekend was near. It was also grand as it meant that my brother would be at the Friday football game and out on dates all weekend. Sheer delight! Only this particular night my parents had plans to spend some well needed time together and talk and have a dinner without the kids. I balked severely about not wanting to go to this "away" football game with my brother. He also did not want to drag his younger brother to a game and be peer embarrassed by the drudgery of this pain in the butt standing by. During that Friday school day my restless behavior became full blown defiance by the evening and I stood my ground. I was not going! I had my first realization that something about going to that game did not feel quite right. The evening planned for the parents was now to be a party of three.
Two nights earlier, I had the recurrence of that crazy dream again and gave more details to my Mother who politely listened but would tell me not to worry about it, only this time the details were more explicit and visual as I tried to explain. In short, she asked me to not talk about it anymore and to move on with my day.
I was truly affected by the dream, but now the viewing was more graphic. It involved a crowd of people, much like a state fair, with people walking around and vendors selling food and drinks and souvenirs. I saw myself running crazily around the area looking for my brother. I could see the mass of people all going into the circled area and taking their seats in the stadium. They were wooden oval bleacher seats and all the people just kept moving and finding their way toward the seats. Hundreds of people all yelling and screaming and jumping up and down. It was a football game that was taking place and the crowd was frantic. I felt lost and was afraid to go near the crowd as they seemed to beckon me to join them. I wanted no participation and just kept running away yet I seemed to return right back to face the crowd again. The crowd suddenly stood up as if too reach out for me and then suddenly the entire oval seating arrangement collapsed and people began falling everywhere and then I saw my brother high above on the top level of seating go tumbling down and holding onto a flag pole. In the dream I turned around to see the masses of people laying everywhere on the ground and I remember the feeling of crying as I could not locate my brother. Suddenly the view of the flag pole caught my eye and there he lay, motionless, on the ground with the pole piercing his leg. The sounds of moaning and crying rang loudly and then pandemonium happened. Police and ambulances were everywhere and then quickly everyone disappeared leaving me alone and looking at the collapsed mountain of boards left behind. I was overwhelmed at what I had just witnessed and the graphic detail was right out of a good disaster movie. Night after night, over and over I would recreate these images. It was not appealing to go to bed with a fear of what the outcome would be during sleep. It was all very real for me to assimilate.

With a terse attitude toward me, I reluctantly went to dinner with the parents, knowing full well that I had spoiled their private time and their evening plans. I was very agitated during dinner and kept being asked to be quiet and sit still. I had the oddest feeling that something was wrong and mentioned that to my parents and their response was something definitely would be wrong with me if I did not stop irritating them and making the evening worse than it was already. After that tense dinner, Mother wanted to stop for a bit of shopping and I expressed my desire to go back home which created another round of arguments, and my Father turned the car around and headed home. As the radio played in the car there broke the news that the parents of all kids attending the "away" football game that my brother was going to should immediately go to the local hospital in the city where the game was being played.
My Mother quickly awaited a repeat at what was being said and then the details of what happened were being spoken and the blood drained from my Mothers face as she turned to look squarely at me. At that moment I knew from her look that she had heard this spoken scenario before as I had been repeating this story that culminated from my nightly dreams. What took place was horrendous and could have been worse than it turned out.
Some of the delinquent students at the school where the game was taking place had removed the bolts on the metal framework that held the bleacher seating on the visitors side. At the point of the kickoff when everyone stood up quickly, the weight of everyone shifted and caused a domino effect that caused the whole visitors seating to collapse in on itself. People fell from the top level and others were thrown under all the wooden boards. Over 250 people were victims of a prank that went awry. My brother was one of the ones on that top level who fell to the ground holding the flag pole that held the school spirit flag. It narrowly missed piercing him completely, but did leave it's mark on his leg which I had seen in my dream. If I had attended I would have been right where he was and would have been one of the victims of that horrible prank.
Dad dropped me off at the house and they drove quickly to the hospital where everyone had been taken. I had to face that house alone for the next few hours until I had heard any news. I was so very frightened that I had done something to make this all happen, yet I knew that I had no part in it. I saw this happen over and over again for months in my dreams but never knew it would actually be a reality.
When they returned with a very battered,bruised,and punctured sibling, I somehow felt relieved that it was all over and felt the fright that my brother had just faced. Mother had returned with an unusual demeanor and I knew that sometime soon we would have to face that dance of recognition as to what had transpired before the event actually took place. Total dread consumed me.....I did nothing wrong except to speak of what I had dreamed. This would profoundly confirm what she knew all along and had no idea on how to deal with it.
For the next few days, hoping to avoid any confrontation with Mother, I made myself scarce. I was happy that no one had been seriously hurt or lost their life but was very confused as to the how and why I had predicted such an event. There would be more to come as I matured, yet this one was the most intense and probably because it was the most vivid recollection due to the many repeated dream similarities and because it involved my brother.
The moment of the dreaded conversation happened very quickly a few days later. it was not the horrible situation I was prepared for. In those brief moments of our private talk, she spoke of the acknowledgment of what happened and said that it was obvious that I had a keen sense of intuition. She was obviously unsure of what to say further about the incident but stated that she would prefer, once again to keep this among ourselves and not share the information with anyone else, as it would appear to others that I knew something about the details which might not be in good favor with the authorities. I kept quiet and was to scared to talk further about it.

I did not have anymore dreams in relation to that particular incident. I no longer feared the nights of sleep. While other dreams would create future realities I had my first really strong look into the power of dreams. I was too young to fully comprehend what had taken place. It would forever awaken my consciousness to listening when something is being broadcast via my brain. Sometimes the noise is too loud and yet it still repeats until the reception is confirmed.

My radar signal still blinks daily and at times my airport is fogged in, but I just circle the dream space until I get the A-OK from my tower and make my landing with both feet on the ground.