Tuesday, December 8, 2015


As time once again begins to approach another calendar day that marks the arrival of the beginning of my life and all the subsequent years that have come and gone and brought me to this particular time of presence. Perhaps it is the somber quiet stillness that makes my mind go awry with thoughts of all that has been, thoughts of what could be and the realities of just exactly what a year in ones life can bring. In moments like these the amount of information of truths can be so overwhelming that you can feel frozen with the fears of just what you have been through and how the hell you survived it all.  I look inside my reverie and can feel the tugging of emotions that swell like a tide rising and rushing on to the shore with a force that no one can stop. The water that splashes upon my shoreline are the tears that have been consistently shed each day mixed with the uncertainty of all the tomorrow's that are yet to be.  Not placing myself above others I also have looked at just what my friends have been through and the challenges they also faced. Each day was a struggle to make it through a twenty four hour period of life and as they laid themselves down to sleep I could hear them breathe out a sigh that they had made it thru another day of life that was given to them on their own day of birth.
I have felt the sting from loss of love and seen the ultimate pain of feeling the tragic awareness that once again I am faced to walk the roads alone once more. I watched as I saw the depths of what depression can do to someone and saw that the death of loved ones can make you feel so abandoned that you can barely make it out of bed and the mere thought of having to make a decision of what to do can be the hardest thing to even attempt in actions. Add together the second guessing of all the what if's and the fears of an unknown future. The second guesses appear as if a plaque has consumed the logic portion of your brain and has somehow eaten away any semblance of joy or happiness that was ever so elusive before any life tragedy ever happened.
One year of life can bring about monumental changes that you cannot possibly be ready for, yet in an instant a situation can appear and bring about hope and resilience. If even for a moment you can feel the human adrenaline that gives you the strength to pick up and move forward at least one step at a time. I have kept so much silent and I have seen many a midnight turn into a sunrise in one year of my life. I had no idea that there was an endless water flow from my eyes that could not be turned off and felt the wet dampness of a tear stained pillow every morning and never let on to anyone the gut wrenching pain that I harbored within my physical being.
Like a screenwriters best form of drama I watched as it all played out before my eyes and scene by scene in my life as well as my friends, I witnessed heartache, pain, denial, emotional trauma, debilitating depression and more losses that anyone should ever have to feel in one lifetime. I found myself living the lines that I sing in my love songs and now get just what it means to have unrequited love but at the same time unconditional love that never failed to show up just when I needed it. Knowing that my clairvoyant connection to my friends beat any phone connection I could feel their pain vibrate along with mine. I knew somehow that it would be to my advantage to stand by them in their time of need and allow my four walls to bounce back my emotional upheavals and my canine friend to just be there so I could be somewhat centered to notice what patience, trust and the awareness of accepting one second at a time is really all about.
It takes a lot of courage to be human and take all that can be thrown at you in the game of life. It is by no means for the weak of heart yet with the grace of age you suddenly have the realization of why people check out when it feels like nothing is ever going to get better. Even the power of positive thinking seems all to hard to resurrect and the light that is supposed to be a the end of the tunnel is far to representative of a never ending black hole. The sound of silence becomes deafening as the inward ringing in your ears seems to shut out the words of hope that seems to have disappeared.
How easy it would seem to crawl back into the watery confines of my mothers belly and stay there protected from all that I have come to realize. I guess in retrospect the day that I was to make my presence in this world there was pain involved and while I have no recollection of it in the present consciousness its thrust prepared me for the pain I know as living and the joy of having lived. As it has been said many times that sadness can turn to happiness in an instant and happiness can turn to sadness just as fast. It's definitely how you perceive it all that can make or break your emotions.
So as another chronological number races quickly up the track I have come to the conclusion that even though I have seen incredible changes occur in my life this year I was privy to the power of human resiliency and can see the dim but resonating light at the end of my tunnel of awareness. Standing by my friends, I have seen their metamorphosis take shape and while it seemed ever distant,  they have begun to create their new life galaxy.
In many ways it has been a sort of birth when you consider the amount of circumstances and situations that have brought me exhilarating understandings that what once was will never be again. I will now let the candles on my next cake once again ignite my passion for living and have the hope that the flames will flicker brightly illuminating my birth of another moment that gives birth to another day of what I have come to know as my life.

Thursday, November 26, 2015


Incredible isn't it how the year suddenly advances to the end and the house once again smells like a baked turkey and miscellaneous smells permeate every room. The first sounds of the upcoming season drift in the air and you find yourself humming and reveries of the past sneak in and out of your mind like little movie vignettes. I catch myself looking into the blue sky and wishing I could be on that cloud and look down and be able to see all that once was and all that will be for tomorrow. It astounds me just exactly what a year can create in ones life and the changes that can occur in the moment.
The emotions and up and downs that lead you to life changes and awakenings of things that seem to have suddenly appeared yet were there all the time, it just took timing to put it all together. The awareness of people who come into your life and yet some seem to disappear and never to be heard from again. It now appears to me like some kind of puzzle where each experience is placed into its proper fit and the grand picture will appear that I will see one day.
I ask myself often if running the race of life is the way I am supposed to live yet most times I realize I  no longer want to run in a race I can't win and can't live without at least attempting run the race at all.
My appetite for challenges always sets my pace for the competition but my awareness keeps the perspective at a different level and at this time of life it keeps me in the moment and never off in the unknown future. I can now see the summit and the peak beckons loudly but life and its fundamental slide down to the valley keep my view of reality in tact.
Each day my gesture toward gratitude grows stronger everyday and my thankfulness vibrates with every breath that I take. The excitement of what could arrive tomorrow makes any day the day of thanksgiving very exhilarating as it prepares for the ending of a new year and a new one of beginnings with many new roads that I will walk down. All the new incredible life changes will occur and new people will reshape my puzzle of life. Once again I will look out my window and watch the clouds as they drift by and look down yet once again in hope of seeing what once was and what is  now, which would be considered thanks in giving and receiving everyday of my life.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

A. G. E

Posting some pictures online the other day and then watched as the comments were made. One comment came from my brother who said " God what age has done". I kept myself busy for the rest of the day and in the back of my mind those five words kept vibrating in my mind and just would not leave my thoughts. I revisited my thoughts time and again that afternnoon trying to find the answer to the statement from those words of his response. I did not want to contemplate to far into the past as it would prove to be overwhelming to try to write down all that age has done.
First and foremost is the fact that I am sitting here writing with a mind stuffed full of incredible life experiences both happy and sad and enough knowledge to make me aware of any choices that I will make in my future. I learned that nothing is forever and that having the courage to face each day head on is the only way to experience life. Learning to accept things that are not in my control because there never was control to begin with. Understanding the complexities of human personalities and removing the people that do not vibrate on the same level that I do. Realizing that life in the past and future are not mind sets that I venture into very often and understanding the fact that now is all we really have and should revel in every second of it. Finding that the road to forgiveness was a long and arduous process when all I had to do was open my heart and see that I am not always perfect and neither is anyone else.
Recognizing the friendships that have withstood all that time has given to them and to still be able to call them friends despite the differences and distance that can separate each of us from time to time. Watching how family can grow up and bring such happiness and heartbreak yet still bring joy in the gathering for a holiday.
Remembering the times when parental guidance was such a youthful irritation but wishing that there was a little more input when the going got rough. Missing those phone calls from the parents to ask about your life and receiving suggestions that were never asked for yet were used later in life.
What age has done for each of us can only be answered within the confines of the mind and how you
chose to play the game called life. For my satisfaction age has created the lines of truth that show on
my face and my thinning hair has been created by all the wisdom that is crowded into that orbital shell that sits on my shoulders. 
My vision at times may be a little cloudy but I still see beyond what was and what will be. Hearing has been replaced by finally listening when spoken to. So..in answer to what age has done I know that it has created the life that I know as mine and laid out the paths to wisdom. I greatly understand now what the three letters of the word age mean. 
I think we will all agree ...A mazing G reat E xperiences...to that I say thank you dear age for giving me the ability to say that I have lived through it all!