Tuesday, December 8, 2015


As time once again begins to approach another calendar day that marks the arrival of the beginning of my life and all the subsequent years that have come and gone and brought me to this particular time of presence. Perhaps it is the somber quiet stillness that makes my mind go awry with thoughts of all that has been, thoughts of what could be and the realities of just exactly what a year in ones life can bring. In moments like these the amount of information of truths can be so overwhelming that you can feel frozen with the fears of just what you have been through and how the hell you survived it all.  I look inside my reverie and can feel the tugging of emotions that swell like a tide rising and rushing on to the shore with a force that no one can stop. The water that splashes upon my shoreline are the tears that have been consistently shed each day mixed with the uncertainty of all the tomorrow's that are yet to be.  Not placing myself above others I also have looked at just what my friends have been through and the challenges they also faced. Each day was a struggle to make it through a twenty four hour period of life and as they laid themselves down to sleep I could hear them breathe out a sigh that they had made it thru another day of life that was given to them on their own day of birth.
I have felt the sting from loss of love and seen the ultimate pain of feeling the tragic awareness that once again I am faced to walk the roads alone once more. I watched as I saw the depths of what depression can do to someone and saw that the death of loved ones can make you feel so abandoned that you can barely make it out of bed and the mere thought of having to make a decision of what to do can be the hardest thing to even attempt in actions. Add together the second guessing of all the what if's and the fears of an unknown future. The second guesses appear as if a plaque has consumed the logic portion of your brain and has somehow eaten away any semblance of joy or happiness that was ever so elusive before any life tragedy ever happened.
One year of life can bring about monumental changes that you cannot possibly be ready for, yet in an instant a situation can appear and bring about hope and resilience. If even for a moment you can feel the human adrenaline that gives you the strength to pick up and move forward at least one step at a time. I have kept so much silent and I have seen many a midnight turn into a sunrise in one year of my life. I had no idea that there was an endless water flow from my eyes that could not be turned off and felt the wet dampness of a tear stained pillow every morning and never let on to anyone the gut wrenching pain that I harbored within my physical being.
Like a screenwriters best form of drama I watched as it all played out before my eyes and scene by scene in my life as well as my friends, I witnessed heartache, pain, denial, emotional trauma, debilitating depression and more losses that anyone should ever have to feel in one lifetime. I found myself living the lines that I sing in my love songs and now get just what it means to have unrequited love but at the same time unconditional love that never failed to show up just when I needed it. Knowing that my clairvoyant connection to my friends beat any phone connection I could feel their pain vibrate along with mine. I knew somehow that it would be to my advantage to stand by them in their time of need and allow my four walls to bounce back my emotional upheavals and my canine friend to just be there so I could be somewhat centered to notice what patience, trust and the awareness of accepting one second at a time is really all about.
It takes a lot of courage to be human and take all that can be thrown at you in the game of life. It is by no means for the weak of heart yet with the grace of age you suddenly have the realization of why people check out when it feels like nothing is ever going to get better. Even the power of positive thinking seems all to hard to resurrect and the light that is supposed to be a the end of the tunnel is far to representative of a never ending black hole. The sound of silence becomes deafening as the inward ringing in your ears seems to shut out the words of hope that seems to have disappeared.
How easy it would seem to crawl back into the watery confines of my mothers belly and stay there protected from all that I have come to realize. I guess in retrospect the day that I was to make my presence in this world there was pain involved and while I have no recollection of it in the present consciousness its thrust prepared me for the pain I know as living and the joy of having lived. As it has been said many times that sadness can turn to happiness in an instant and happiness can turn to sadness just as fast. It's definitely how you perceive it all that can make or break your emotions.
So as another chronological number races quickly up the track I have come to the conclusion that even though I have seen incredible changes occur in my life this year I was privy to the power of human resiliency and can see the dim but resonating light at the end of my tunnel of awareness. Standing by my friends, I have seen their metamorphosis take shape and while it seemed ever distant,  they have begun to create their new life galaxy.
In many ways it has been a sort of birth when you consider the amount of circumstances and situations that have brought me exhilarating understandings that what once was will never be again. I will now let the candles on my next cake once again ignite my passion for living and have the hope that the flames will flicker brightly illuminating my birth of another moment that gives birth to another day of what I have come to know as my life.