Tuesday, June 21, 2011


This evening I had a most clarifying revelation. Much like the discovery that a kitten becomes a cat or that there really was no Santa Claus, perhaps not the best examples but just the same it stood out and I finally took great notice. In all life experiences I have found that reasons compel me to make decisions that may not coincide with someone else's view or opinion. My decisions at that moment of time were just that,... decisions that were based on the Now of Then. I somehow began to lose some part of me when I was making decisions based on pleasing someone else and not myself.

I accepted situations that were not of my making and refused to disturb the calm waters even though I hated the situations it put me in. By the force of pressure and uneasiness I began to take back that part of me that I put away by my own choices. I look deep into my mind now and have realized the person that I used to be has been badly fractured by being a person that I truly cannot be anymore. There has not been a time when I did not express my frustrations by speaking out and coiling them internally has taken a brutal toll on the psyche called ME. I used to imagine how life would become and how Hollywood like it would all be when love came a calling. No one bothered to let you in on what happened after the lights went out, and that one you have to figure out yourself.

My sudden awareness came with insecure trepidation as I took back the first piece of what I put away long ago. Within the labeled box of "Memorabilia ME" lay some tattered and worn pieces of the person that I once knew Me to be. The pieces may seem dated and old fashioned but that fact is, that inside that box lay some of the truest and directed feelings that I had kept locked away for too long a time. I opened that box and brought out something that I kept hidden for fear of being alone and hurting feelings. It was then that I discovered that I was already feeling alone and had been walking the path by myself and hoping that someone else would board the dream train and create a new route into the rest of life.

I fervently held on to the hope that my presence would generate a desire to recreate a new tomorrow for two, only I realize that I can't fit into any one's unmotivated complacent scenario. Daring to dream beyond what is NOW is what I have strive for all my life and I can't continue to build false hope on to something that never really had a balance in the first place. I have always felt the bearer of weight and have allowed too much insecurity in waiting for something to come around to make it all flow smoothly. I know now that is not going to happen and I need to patch the remnants what I once knew as Me and move on to view the sun from a different horizon. Sitting by in a state of inertia is deadly to me and I realized that I am holding myself back from ME. It goes without saying that the risk is large when jumping into the darkness but I know that there will be another day of reckoning and I have to prove to myself that I still have the guts to plunge myself into a new tomorrow. Giving in to the fear is deadly, accepting the fear is the fuel that will get me from point A to B. What will spill in the wake of such a decision is anybodies guess, however I will try to refrain from taking a look back and just move forward, holding strong to the conviction that I am following my internal guide and whatever will be...will be.

To stand up and make a noise so that people will hear you, is not a task for the weary. Your usually standing there practically naked bearing yourself in a frantic way, all the while hoping that your making a connection. When you see that you made the point,and it hit the target, suddenly you become the bad guy and the questions surrounding your podium stance are challenged causing you to rethink your opinion, except finally you realize there is no going back. To backslide would result in inserting more of the real you back into that damn box still stuffed with the past.

The future can scare anyone who may have the guts to think ahead. Just looking into a tomorrow provides the hope that a plan will arrive and guide me safely to my next landing. I don't want to be afraid anymore to pick up the jumbled pieces and refit them into a much different picture puzzle, one that has no borders or restrictions. The picture would represent the person that I once knew and not the person who was once uncertain of tomorrow.

NOW when I sleep I have come to the revelation that my dreams are dreamed just so that I can see how real the dawn is. The revealing light of the new day will most certainly help me keep my focus for a new future with no binds or restrictions.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


If you decide sometime to change the things that are driving you crazy and strike out on the trails to wherever your fate leads you, always remember to keep the faith that change is good for the soul as well as the mind. I have pondered the search for a new direction for several years, and the time has come to now put up or shut up.

Making excuses to stave off the inevitable is the most common thing to do when major decisions are needing finality. Delaying them only makes it more confusing.
Second guessing gets in the way when holding back and the book of contents housing your desires becomes a boring repetitive story that most everyone is sick of hearing.

As for myself, here I sit in the very warm sunshine, with the temperatures soaring up the thermometer and my body feels ignited by the thoughts of everyday sun that arrives here on a daily basis. The mere thought of rain dampens my sun filled mind and still I sit here and write with the smallest amount of trepidation that seeps in while I plan my escape.

In the confines of my mind, there lies the missing piece to finish the puzzle of this impending change. I can feel it within but still it remains elusive as I strike out for the answers to solve the mystery of the private fears that spring up when least expected. It is not like I have not chosen this direction of desire before but it is only now that I readily perceive the patterns that have once again began a dissolution into what is now unchallenged in the game of my life.

I have been reminded by friends that life identity appears at some time for everyone who take a long look at daily living habits. I vividly recall the events that transpired when I answered the previous call for a life alteration. The knowledge of such event plays into my inability to quickly move on the yen toward change. They say knowledge is power yet it also can leave you on the sidelines when making another decision based on the experiences of the last familiar scenario. I definitely try not to let the past interfere with my tomorrow yet inadvertently it makes a presence as if monitoring my every thought.

I truly believe that whatever you desire, so it shall be, which has been proven to me on more than one occasion. Taking the initiative to make the first step will send you down the path to where you want to be. Information and awareness will pour out from every direction and I know that holding the focus on the goal post, will inevitably score the touch down. No matter how many books I may read on self help and psychology, the main point to all of that reading is "self directive" ergo the words self help. No one is going to do it for me, ultimately the oars are in my hands.

As I sit back and look into the clear blue sky I understand that old adage phrase more succinctly now: "on a clear day you can see forever"
There are no clouds that can mar the view into your soul, and deep into the blue clear space, lies a limitless amount of the unknown just waiting to be discovered. As human as it is we still thirst for the answers to our unknown and answer the call to find what may be beyond our own personal space.

Timing is a necessary evil in matters of responsibility to one's future. In just a matter of time I will be taking my pen in hand, in fact I have already bought my square of post it notes and eagerly await writing the messages of goodbye.

I will leave those post-it notes hanging on all the doors from my "pending" past.

Flashback to 1967..... and the song hit: "BY THE TIME I GET TO PHOENIX":
I envision myself driving away.....the sun will be rising. Later friends will be rising and find the notes I left hanging on their door. They will laugh when they read the part that says I'm leaving, as I said it all.... oh...so many times before.................
I guess, even I didn't know if I would really go!