This evening I had a most clarifying revelation. Much like the discovery that a kitten becomes a cat or that there really was no Santa Claus, perhaps not the best examples but just the same it stood out and I finally took great notice. In all life experiences I have found that reasons compel me to make decisions that may not coincide with someone else's view or opinion. My decisions at that moment of time were just that,... decisions that were based on the Now of Then. I somehow began to lose some part of me when I was making decisions based on pleasing someone else and not myself.
I accepted situations that were not of my making and refused to disturb the calm waters even though I hated the situations it put me in. By the force of pressure and uneasiness I began to take back that part of me that I put away by my own choices. I look deep into my mind now and have realized the person that I used to be has been badly fractured by being a person that I truly cannot be anymore. There has not been a time when I did not express my frustrations by speaking out and coiling them internally has taken a brutal toll on the psyche called ME. I used to imagine how life would become and how Hollywood like it would all be when love came a calling. No one bothered to let you in on what happened after the lights went out, and that one you have to figure out yourself.
My sudden awareness came with insecure trepidation as I took back the first piece of what I put away long ago. Within the labeled box of "Memorabilia ME" lay some tattered and worn pieces of the person that I once knew Me to be. The pieces may seem dated and old fashioned but that fact is, that inside that box lay some of the truest and directed feelings that I had kept locked away for too long a time. I opened that box and brought out something that I kept hidden for fear of being alone and hurting feelings. It was then that I discovered that I was already feeling alone and had been walking the path by myself and hoping that someone else would board the dream train and create a new route into the rest of life.
I fervently held on to the hope that my presence would generate a desire to recreate a new tomorrow for two, only I realize that I can't fit into any one's unmotivated complacent scenario. Daring to dream beyond what is NOW is what I have strive for all my life and I can't continue to build false hope on to something that never really had a balance in the first place. I have always felt the bearer of weight and have allowed too much insecurity in waiting for something to come around to make it all flow smoothly. I know now that is not going to happen and I need to patch the remnants what I once knew as Me and move on to view the sun from a different horizon. Sitting by in a state of inertia is deadly to me and I realized that I am holding myself back from ME. It goes without saying that the risk is large when jumping into the darkness but I know that there will be another day of reckoning and I have to prove to myself that I still have the guts to plunge myself into a new tomorrow. Giving in to the fear is deadly, accepting the fear is the fuel that will get me from point A to B. What will spill in the wake of such a decision is anybodies guess, however I will try to refrain from taking a look back and just move forward, holding strong to the conviction that I am following my internal guide and whatever will be...will be.
To stand up and make a noise so that people will hear you, is not a task for the weary. Your usually standing there practically naked bearing yourself in a frantic way, all the while hoping that your making a connection. When you see that you made the point,and it hit the target, suddenly you become the bad guy and the questions surrounding your podium stance are challenged causing you to rethink your opinion, except finally you realize there is no going back. To backslide would result in inserting more of the real you back into that damn box still stuffed with the past.
The future can scare anyone who may have the guts to think ahead. Just looking into a tomorrow provides the hope that a plan will arrive and guide me safely to my next landing. I don't want to be afraid anymore to pick up the jumbled pieces and refit them into a much different picture puzzle, one that has no borders or restrictions. The picture would represent the person that I once knew and not the person who was once uncertain of tomorrow.
NOW when I sleep I have come to the revelation that my dreams are dreamed just so that I can see how real the dawn is. The revealing light of the new day will most certainly help me keep my focus for a new future with no binds or restrictions.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
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