Inside my jumbled caricature of a mind, lately I have been shaking my head in total confusion and when I do move it back and forth, I could swear that I hear the rattle of broken pieces of ambiguity. It is a bit unnerving considering the fact that I have no idea of how the broken pieces got there in the first place. I mean, I don't recall at what time everything became fractured. It had been a clear focus to try and peruse through those memory files to see if I can at least come up with a day and time that everything cracked. It appears to be ridiculously abstract to even attempt to understand when everything changed as it is not going to solve the reality as it is now. The logical approach would be to just accept the noise inside my head and just avoid focusing on it and begin to replace the pieces with a more solid vision of new life plan.
In stating the obvious answer, it does not make it any easier to arrive at a definitive plan of attack. In the days of my youth, it all seemed so simple and easy. Whatever you set your mind toward a goal, almost magically that goal post would appear, or so it would seem. In one of the files marked "adult only" it clearly spells out in relative terms that it did not happen as quickly as it seemed to. When looking back into the past an amazing feeling overshadows everything that is present. It is at that time when you feel safer in the nostalgia and think that it was much better then. Sadly you later find out that it was no different, except now you are older and the awareness supersedes the past every time. It is how you accept that truth that will determine the forward movement in your life.
I truly have to admit how much I adore the warm fuzzy feelings of yesterday. All the energy I had, the people I knew, the excitement of traveling and the pure joy of not knowing what the next day would bring. I loved letting my fingers reach into the many pies of curiosity. I tasted the sweetness with each bite of success, and got high from the life energy that came with it. No matter how many doors appeared, I eagerly awaited opening everyone of them. The many doors that I entered held overwhelming amounts of knowledge, some enlightening, some distasteful, but most provided the vast amount of information that now has brought me to the crossroads that I have arrived at. I look around at the present day and cannot locate any of the doors that I so want to venture into.
Perhaps this is caused by age, and its ability to now second guess everything due to the realities of the many rooms I found myself in earlier in my life. It is one thing to have ventured into anything innocently but the demon of intelligence sticks his fork into the balloon that once held naivete. Out spills the contents that once shrouded me in some kind of impetuous safety.
I have always wanted to think of myself as not being like the group of others and my life experiences could never coincide with anyone else, but alas that is a falsehood. That prevarication was solely created by me trying to rise above it all, and vigorously trying to stay afloat. I never wanted to run a race that I couldn't win and control. So how is that for attitude? I think the word humble must fall in line at some point. It is the realization that everyone at this staged age of life must experience to complete the cycle of life and all its awareness from the past to the present day. Now I understand the reason we like to remember the past as it holds you in it's arms protectively and I feel serene because I already know the outcomes. Risking things later in life is harder due to the fact that I feel that there is not enough life time left in order to regroup should my decision go awry. Enclosed in that pattern of thinking is nothing but uncertainty that was there all the time, it's just that I never took the time to see it due to the urgency of the plan that I set out to complete.
The meaning of hindsight now is blatantly understood and more reflective truths explain the confusions that once plagued the uncertain future. I try now to hold on to the belief that by asking for the answers that the universe will deliver them when it is ready to happen. Instinctively I will know at that moment when the time has come to step out of this box that surrounds me. So many ideas form daily and each one silently planned out, yet no affirmative action has been taken.
For right now, in keeping with reality that timing has not stepped up to the plate yet, I will keep researching my daily hearts desire and make mental notes to take a further in depth perspective when my surrounding realities dictate that the time has come to act.
My introspective attitude will soon wane and will soon become one with my future destinies. That new space of time will lead me then to be restrospective.
That is a view I really look forward to seeing.