Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I have been writing so much about personal life changes and the struggles that arrive almost daily. The time is nigh for moving on. Yet with every twist and turn that occurs when traveling down any road toward change and all that encompasses decisions and choices it does make you sit up and take notice. The insecurities can swallow you up and leave you battered and torn but they also make you aware in ways you never knew you would understand.

Everything from the weather, to the work situation, financial, emotional, personal,and friendships reflected in my demeanor of confusion. It certainly seemed all these things were being forced on me but in truth I had been calling on change and now it was all being universally answered at one time and the party line was a distorted mash of chaos that needed to be sorted out. The overnight sensation was caused by years of unhappiness that needed to be dealt with. I have always been keenly aware of the old adage "be careful of what you wish for" and yet only now the truest understanding rivets through me with a clarity unknown before now. Wise to the truth and stupid to the reality that plays out in the moments of now.

I look around and everything stands out as needing some kind of mental alteration. It's like viewing things one sided and then you walk around to the other side and the view is entirely different. It obviously is noticed more when you begin to take the challenge and start to create a better version of yourself. You have to let go of the past sectors that keep you reeled in instead of being cast out to hook yourself into a new direction for the growth of your tattered soul. It is something that all of us have to be aware of in order to find the happiness we all seek. Some of us have the strength to make it through the storm while others find it easier to never rock the boat for the fear of turbulent waters.

The thing is, for me anyway, was that I never lost sight of my lifeline. I hung on, at moments for dear life, and I just kept bobbing in the water till I found the buoy and then waited for the search light to find me again. The waters although turbulent were not that hard to tread and I endured the pain of keeping my head above water. The wake that it caused washed away a lot of past situations and friendships but it created a new stream path. The surroundings on each side of the bank look steep but the climb up will be a vision to behold. I can't afford to look down as the fear of falling can stall any forward motion. It is sad to look back and see remnants of people who were once in your life, and who provided some sort of positive energy in those past now moments.

With the absences and voids of former contacts, I find myself reaching further within myself and recognizing things that were so very apparent all along. The distraction of situations and the involvement of camaraderie enticed me to not look within myself for a lot of answers. The who, what, when, where and why's of my personal growth are now my Jeopardy categories in understanding the human side of me.

I still think I liked the innocent time when being a "STAR" on the horizon had a bright light attached to it and the obscured view made the search into tomorrow a most intriguing event. The outreaching arms of the future held so many promises and the friends all seemed to be there for me. Now most have faded away and few still remain. Those who have hung on know the ups and downs of friendships. In the good times and the bad times, there is an accounting for longevity. Price paid with acceptance and love and much understanding.

It is not for the weak of heart, this aging factor, but winds of change have definitely cleared the smog from my brain. Now as I stand poised to walk on toward the rest of my nows, I can see the light that is still blinding but the spectrum that resonates for my presence in this lifetime coerces me to stay focused on the beams. It's energy keeps me balanced and my attention is centered on the future of now.