I laid in bed in the early hours of morning, before the break of dawn, and heard the stirring of my dog as she prepared to come to the side of he bed to let me know it was time to get up. With the first eye opening the floodgates of thoughts were unleashed and the bevy of stored thoughts began their entrance into the now of the day. As I made my way out of the bed I acknowledged the pattern of events as they have unfolded time after time and morning after morning. It was amazing how the chain of events must unfold in order to prepare for the arrival of the new day. I quickly became aware of how necessary it was to have the morning duties go in a specific order that my dog has learned. If one thing was to early then she seemed out of sorts and when the proper chain of events connected again her reactions were normal. As I stood there feeding her I wondered just how patterned we humans have all have become and how many of us just silently hate the rituals that we have created for ourselves.
In my life there are many things that seem to repeat in a day. Depending on the chain of events in any given day, how mundane the repeat action is, can be either irritating, unnoticed or overwhelming. Lately the realization that present life is repeating to many things has become an awareness that now has to be dealt with. It is easy to look over the fence and see that the other mans grass is greener and read the trashiest of movie magazines and envy the rich and famous, yet we forget how the others are still prone to the same repeat processes that probably drive them just as crazy as the simple folk.
I recall earlier times when I would be aware that certain patterns were beginning to occur but my youth and impatience would not allow that to happen and I would purposely destroy the repeats and start down another trail, yet the same results would occur and in time the new paths of repeats would have the same ending. It seems now that I am in the autumn of my life, the patterns, at times, feel almost comfortable yet resentful. The irritation at what has occurred during the realization process, only reminds you that it is time to inspire yourself and take the next fork in the road of life. I am certain that as we age the ease of patterns is nice but you know it is just the insecurity of taking that next risk. Finding out what lurks down the new road is what gives you the uneasiness. When we are young it was the same but the distractions glossed over the fears that still were there.
In the past few months, I had been sending out a telepathic message to anyone listening that my MUNDANE, REPETITIVE, life sucked big and I wanted out to start over. The grass I saw ahead was greener than ever and the new pastures that I wished to graze in were sweet smelling and full of untarnished color. I just needed something to come in and break apart the spell of patterns that I had worked so hard to make uniform in my present life. Somehow I lost the NOW and wanted FUTURE ...ASAP
The patterns of my life continued and I began to hunger for what was not even formulated yet and I began to drift away from the present moment and fantasize about what was yet to be. Having to pull myself back into a reality that seemed to never go away, I walked my daily paths with the same results, albeit, the road heavily traveled.
My salvation would be the mind filled walks to and from work. It was at those times that I could unlock my secret door to all the things I would have to plan when I started down my newly laid road. Those thoughts felt so warm and inviting. The yearning slowly crept in and added another silent pattern of behavior to the list that had to be completed daily. This was unrecognized as it was the sheep in wolf's clothing, and once again, it's distraction, led me away from the NOW of the present.
I seemed to have forgotten about the last time that I decided to smash apart my life. It was an experience I certainly did not want to duplicate again. I had concurred with myself to never do that again and if I should, I would reap the benefits of experience and think more clearly when starting down the new road.
I swear that I had my thoughts together and was very aware of what I needed,.....or thought it was a need. Big difference between a want and a need.
Just like the unwanted surprise guest that arrives at your door unexpectedly, my doorbell had been rung and on the other side of that door stood the twins known as "RISK and CHANCE". The dynamic duo were oh so handsome and appealing from afar and when invited to "come in" to my world, they brought with them devious underlying realities of truths unrecognized at the present time. No matter how prepared you think you are, a lot of things get left out of the mix. My signal was received and the lines had been crossed and now I had to pony up my courage to enforce it all. Instead I continued to stand on the ground, firmly, and feared any movement that could eventually change all that I knew as a patterned lifestyle. The pendulum had begun its swing and I was falling apart from within. The fear of the change that I had asked for spread through me like a wildfire and it seemed my days of complacency were numbered. The reaction from me was astounding and reverberated throughout my entire being. I had to regain control and center myself back into the present to reevaluate the importance of the issues at hand.
The massive amount of information that had to be fact checked laid in a heap on the desk of "NOW". Recoiling from my new found "DUO" friends, I began to reassess in descending order, the important things that needed to be addressed first and foremost.
I took a look at what was slipping away and pulled myself back in time to think in a more derisive way and get a grasp on what the issues were really about.
The boredom derived from those repeated patterns fueled the flames of change. I had allowed boredom to take over and brew the pot of disillusionment and unhappiness. Now I had to drink the facts and acknowledge my "real" truths as to why I needed the visit from my new found friends "RISK and CHANCE". The answers lie within me and now I see that my grass is really greener, as that is where I am in the present.
As for "RISK and CHANCE" they are still visiting and we are conversing daily and actually getting a lot figured out.
As a matter of fact I think I maybe developing a love for the both of them.
They made me see the light that shined from within and the rays guided me back to where I am supposed to be.........I'm figuring out my future.....
At this present time.......anyway.
Friday, October 8, 2010
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