Tuesday, October 5, 2010


It had been a particular arduous week with work and added stresses that kept appearing from day to day. I began feeling, towards the latter part of the week, like I was in some kind of pressurized balloon tent. With every waking conscious moment I kept feeling more restricted and confined to have to bear the mounting drama's that kept delivering their scripts for me to read. It was most important, at least for this week, to not run to the "DOLL" cabinet for any chemical to alter the stress, as I wanted to proceed and try and figure this out without the use of extra dopamine.
As I put the key in the door to lock my workweek away I felt the warm sunshine of the late day as it penetrated my skin and I thanked the weather girls for delivering such nice warm weather. I made my way towards the road to begin my walk home hoping very much to walk off the burdens that so plagued me during the week. I found my ear phones and plugged them in to my IPod and wonderfully the music came and began to soothe my ravaged soul. As the shuffled music found its first song, I suddenly had a moment of glee at hearing such an "old friend" sing a long ago favorite that magically transported me away from all the cares and stresses of the week.
Suddenly I was no longer a 57 year old man but began feelings of the 15 year old teenager who had nothing to fear except getting where he thought he needed to be and who would take him there. NO job worries, no mortgage payments or credit card access, just the feeling that there would be another school day and hopefully a little cash that could provide the simplest of desire. The emotions rained upon me as if these last forty two years had never happened and the music ignited the fire's of hope for the tomorrows that did arrive. I had truly forgotten how to feel that hope which seemed so elusive at that time when my youth had the petulant desire to hurry up and get there as I knew I was missing something.

As my music played on in the reality world I drifted further into my past music file and pulled out more details of life from that time. As the tune continued to melodically weave it's spell over me, I went in for a closer look to see where I may have gone wrong in the grand scheme of life and moved around the memories hoping to find my way back to the peacefulness which sweetly surrounded me at that present time. The tears that had been on the brink of falling for days began their descent down my aged face and wet my cheeks. The flood gates of withheld water had burst and in sync with every beat of that wonderful song, tears dripped from my face onto the ground.
Into the world of make believe I had walked and I never wanted to come back as it felt safe and easy. I did not want to exit as the entrance was grand and exhilarating. Emotions were rare and hard to find in the land of my reality. Make believe felt as comfortable as the big T-shirt and cut off shorts that existed within my make believe world. I thanked God for the auto-repeat button on the IPod as my fantasy continued to surround me as I moved down the road with no present consciousness. How did those memory bites unleash those tones of past feelings and realities that were now recognized as sheer delight? Why does the past feel safer than the present? Last but not least the ultimate of all those questions is "What the hell happened along the way" to bring me to where I am today.
The complete book volumes of past realities would probably never answer those questions as they were being printed during the present reality of the actual moments being played out. SO now we just visit that library of the past life books in hope that the memory will give way to the many questions that are created by choices we made during the process called "Life".
I have absolutely no recollection of how I arrived at my home destination as my fifteen minutes into the looking glass was dispelled with the first noticed crunch of the gravel as I made my way back to the present reality called home. As I trudged slowly up the path I looked around and viewed the early signs that fall was approaching and soon the leaves would fall. Colors were beginning their changes on the trees and around the yard laid the early fallen leaves. I took a deep breath and wanted back in the looking glass to view the fall's of my past yet my present moment gave way to the vision I saw spreading before me. It stalled my movement and I stared into my spatial reality and acknowledged that this moment would one day be recognized as easily as my youthful memories. Going back to the past will always confirm that I did go forward and made progress despite those times of weighted life issues.
I think it is important to revisit the areas from where you came from but the most important thing is to recognize your present situation. While we often will want to change the past because it "felt better" the fact remains that even in those yesterdays there were problems that seemed almost impossible to overcome. Time has erased those thoughts leaving only the happy times to smile about. It's tricky to be lured in so easily by a melody that warms your heart with so much memorable attachment, yet I have realized that even though that melody played early in my life and swelled me with joy, that same melody is being played in my present day and I am grateful to attach newer memories with the old and now I get to play it on the stereo called experience.

I do so enjoy my visits into the land of make believe.
Everything is "La Vie En Rose", yet always upon my exits.....
my skies always seem bluer..... and I know that by remembering the past I must feel joy that at my age I am still able to recall most everything that made my journey to the NOW a most precious reality.

I recommend a visit every now and then, you will get reacquainted with the NOW of YOU.

1 comment:

  1. You definately need to aquire a publisher, my dear! You have all the qualifications of an author. I'd purchase your book (or books) for sure. Keep 'm coming..I'm one of your new readers. Love Ya..Gail