I had begun asking the universe months ago to move me towards a new life direction and to deliver me from the dregs of debt and responsibility that I so conveniently created for myself. It was imperative everyday that I took the time to meditate on that issue and was as impatient as a kid on Christmas eve. I asked myself if I took the time to sit and patiently think about what I wanted to come my way why the hell isn't it delivering in a faster speed. As is the usual way for me to want it yesterday and all signed, sealed and delivered, I was starting to believe that the lines of universal contact were being held up by the miscommunication from my mind hard drive of overwhelming pleas of peace. Each day that passed without any deliverance I seemed more intent on adding a few more silent moment universal thoughts and kept adding more to the list and so arrogantly expected the answers on my time scale. In every conversation that my friends had to endure, I pleaded my misery over and over again, hoping to gain support for the spinning fantasy that I had ballooned beyond my initial call for help. It was not enough to impale my contorted vision of "unrequited peace" to anyone who asked, I soon began to hear myself speak of the misery that I had so surreptitiously needed to surrender to any waiting ear that asked how I was doing.
These kind of secret desires do nothing for a relationship when you are totally on separate spheres of mind control. I could not find any positive attributes that existed within the arena of life that I shared. People have an amazing ability to disassociate from current facts at hand and were revered through my eyes as a complete denial of my realities, that I needed to be changed in order to procure a more modest, less complicated life, and free of all that I had previously conjured up as necessary at that time of thought inception.
Where my logical mind went to is still a question that has not been answered as of yet, but disappear, it did. How in the world I could not see what I was unconsciously doing is beyond my own rational thinking. I was sending out SOS help into the universe and had not given any thought as to what would happen should the call be answered. A total slip of the facts at hand made for unrecognized answers that I had not brought forth just yet.
I took my faith seriously that something soon was about to happen and I was awaiting a phone call from the universal telephone company letting me know when that would happen. As if sitting and waiting for any kind of phone call is not annoying enough now I would have to learn how to let the natural flow of things take its course and happen when it all aligns. In any life scenario the patience factor is a most elusive attribute and my attribute cup was very empty when it came to patience.
I remember walking to work one morning very recently and I began to hear the chime off in the distance of my mind telling be that my request was being processed and I would be hearing back from the "Change Department" soon. I kept that silent ringing of the chime hidden away from all as it would only lead to them fearing more that I was teetering off into loonydom yet I knew instinctively that something was pending.
When things began to move forward my superciliousness took over and I waltzed through the tune of ambiguity, with what appeared to me as nonchalant, but was sending fear reverberation throughout my entire being. Now was the time to face up to all the things that seemed so necessary to change.
Those uncertain hopes were now setting up shop as reality. Unfortunately I did not, once again, prepare for their arrival. My irrational way of being in control seemed suddenly to be slipping away and now I was faced with people who now began stepping on my toes to begin the processes of the changes that I had avidly anticipated. Bitterly I began to fight back to regain my sense of composure yet all the while my emotional tears of fear dripped hourly from the ups and downs of my new found realities. No one gets to push me around until I am ready to give in to the timing of events. The fears that were hiding beneath were now oozing out of my body like a liquid poison. Each teardrop of water that fell on my face burned through me as if to make me more aware that I had to face up to the inquisition that the universe was placing on me.
It was not at all how I expected it to turn out yet at the same time I can't honestly say that I had defined it succinctly. So once again I have had to ask myself, why did I not define everything in a more distinct question, with having all the questions and desires I needed help with all put into one easy simple reality of choice. There is no real direct way to ascertain that but I will now have to let go of my fears and trepidations and move with strength into the new dimension that I requested. The valley floor is deep with fears and assumptions and now I must make my way up to the apex once again.
I quietly await my rush of adrenaline and to feel the rush of air that will lift me out of the valley of fears and drop me onto the plain of synchronicity where faith in my hopes and desires will flourish.
I am hoping that this recent universal gift will be my start on the road to more sensibility and calmness. Perhaps when leaving the valley of fears I will then begin to calmly observe the zenith of life.