It was a most annoying day today. Not from any pointed irritation but a culmination of a mixed bag of annoyances and unsolved problems that decided to erupt in an imitative mood. The feelings oozed out of me like unseen lava and covered me with silent anxiety that took hold of me and lingered for quite a while. For every question I asked myself, there would be at least eight or nine answers of uncertainty. This was not the most convivial way to feel any progress toward solving my momentary dilemma of mood stress. If anyone were to talk with me the response was pointed, curt and very directive. I did not make a good conversing candidate at that present time and still felt that I was going to explode and take it out on anyone that happened to be in the path of my distorted mind hurricane. It was then that I made my way out the door and decided to take my morbid mood outside so the air and light could dissipate it a bit and the ooze that stuck to me could possibly melt away so that I could get a few hours of peace before the day ended.
I stepped morosely out the door and felt the warm sunlight surround me with its healing powers and knew immediately that a brisk walk could help remove the soot that surrounded me.
I felt the crunching of the gravel beneath my shoes as I trudged down the long driveway toward the road that would hopefully lead me to a better frame of mind. Instead of conjuring up some fun happy fantasy I began to think about how walking on the gravel driveway without any foot covering must be hard on my dogs feet thus provoking guilt inside me for causing her pain by walking on those many hard rocks. By the time I reached the open road I added another guilt stress layer and heaped it on top of all the others that still lay there waiting for solutions to make them all disappear. I immediately thought that this walk would have me laden with more conjured problems than I left with before I would get back home. SO, I kept going and with every step I tried convincing myself to think of ideas with which to approach all of the secret problems and remove them from my list of things that needed to be changed. The orange glow from the late afternoon sun lit everything and made my eyes wander and look around at the scenery as I walked. I heard people talking and arguing in their homes. A couple of dogs began barking as I approached and the toxic smell of diesel gas permeated the air as the city bus drove by and jolted me back into reality.
As I walked, my mind wandered far off into the conjured reality of the perfect life and a calm scenario of peace around me. I realized there must be a million of those dreams all just waiting to bloom into reality. The trouble is that timing keeps them held back and my impetuous desire wants them to hurry and bloom. Being born always in a hurry is a most heavy burden to carry especially when you keep looking around all the corners expecting something to show up and restart the pendulum towards a new reality. Chasing after that elusive butterfly is hard and at this time of my life I am acquiescing to the potent fact of living in the NOW. Easy to say and very tough to follow when your a dreamer, like myself. Lord knows I have read enough self help books and have my proclaimed guru of Eckhart Tolle yet it is just how he states it all. You must empty your mind of all the daily debris and just let the moment that you are in be the focal point and experience IT as IT is and not what is not present. I truly believe that yet it is the hardest thing to accomplish when you feel overwhelmed with excess mind baggage.
I continued my brisk pace and began to feel my emotions fade into my surroundings and I noticed more of the outdoor presence around me. I peered into the windows of the houses I passed and wondered about who lived in each and silently assessed each home. Funny assumptions and fantasies pummeled by brain. Each home held its own version of the NOW and for those brief moments I was part of it. As I passed each I began to understand more fully about being in the present. There were times during my hike that I slid back into my corrupt mind files but I quickly focused on the delete button and gave way to my present time. It was a fight to the finish as on more than one occasion those files reappeared to take me from the NOW. The flashing yellow light suddenly appeared and gave way to the red light that stopped me in the middle of the road and brought a realization so clear that it amazed me. If I could not hold my focus on the present more than 10 minutes, how the hell would I accomplish living everyday in the present without all the corrupt files trying to take over my thought patterns. I then realized that it was going to have to take immense concentration and awareness to keep focused on the NOW. It is not going to be a one day habit change and it would have to be a progressive procedure that would take place a little more each day.
As the sunset was fading slowly over the horizon I took a reality check and realized that I had been walking for over an hour and had no recollection of the passing of time as I was caught up in my own mind space trying to find solutions as to the why of then. I began to make my way back home and realized that I was truly my own worst enemy and I need to let things roll off instead of being so miserable when issues are out of my control. I made a decision that I would begin to put the present moment into a clearer perspective and take what comes and try to let the rest fade away. Now if I could just honor those decisions and stay on the right track perhaps there would be hope yet.
I turned and started my walk down that long driveway and knew that I had returned with a much better insight and a better view of what was needed to get through the next few hours of the day. Happily jogging down the driveway to meet me was my dog and I noticed that the stones beneath her feet didn't really impede her progress toward getting to me. In fact, I got her canine message loud and clear...No matter how many stones slip beneath your feet when walking, just keep focused on the prize that awaits from a little pain brought about by a few rocks down your path. Stepping on them only make you more aware of what you will need to bypass should you encounter another rocky road in your life awareness search..........or toward the drawer where the MILKBONE treats are held.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
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