Wednesday, March 2, 2011


It hasn't been the best of times lately, as a matter of fact it is as if a total explosion of all personal life things have broken into a million pieces of fragments encircling my head. Imagine if you look at the rings of a distant planet in motion and this ring of rock debris floats around it, constantly circling it in a gravitational pull. My head is the planet and all the rock fragments are my exploded relative emotions. Every now and then a fragment piece drops from the ring and lands at my feet. At that moment I feel it's strong presence and verify it's relative action. Then I relate it to something that needed to be addressed and then acknowledge it's awareness and kick it out of the way and wait the next piece to drop from the rotational ring of displaced emotions. I haven't ventured into this proverbial ring of space before so all the symptoms of uneasiness hover around me on a daily basis. I occasionally look into my visionary ring of fractured emotions and try to mentally pull them all back into one solid ring of complacency. However that challenge has not been completely met yet and I still have a few boulders that drop on me in any given day. It is mentally taxing but I am sure there is a reason for all this karmic undoing and redoing. I used to be the kind of guy who just leaped without fear or trepidation of of anyone or anything. Now at this age I know too much and look deeper into things than I ever did before and I come out of that mind awareness with a most insecure feeling.

How and when did all this take place is a question that I have been slowly answering a little bit day by day. The implosion physically, doesn't just appear instantly. The things that have lead me to this physical modification have been in the works for a long time and only now I have the freedom of extra time to face it. It has been much like a good drug, as it creeps up on you a little at a time. There is a certain kind of high in being so in control and then the drug is taken a way from me willy nilly and now I am left with a withdrawal that I never could have guessed would overtake me.
In various conversations with many friends and colleagues, I realize that I am not alone in this realignment of emotions and realities. I think it comes with the autumn haze that paints it's way into the soul of aged life space. The September of my years have had too many days of rainy weather conditions and too many nights lately of being awake and lost at four a.m. On those morose nights of silent slumber less scenarios, the quiet that rings loudly in my ears generates most unique conversations with myself. The view of things in the wee hours of the morning are truly darker before the dawn of realization appears. The horizon of accepted changes slowly rise to make it's new lighted awareness pierce through my eyes.

My floating gravitational ring of debris keeps beckoning me to move it away from my head planet. Silent thoughts encourage me to remove the doubts, unresolved issues, fears, and insecurities that keep the ring in a circular motion of momentum. I frantically search for the signs of any universal hints as to the where and what happens next. The hardest thing now is to just let it all go and calmly wait for the future to unfold in a peaceful secure way. I know that someone else has been sleeping in my head. Whoever that is, he just needs to be awakened and given notice to vacate for the new and more profound clear headed thinking tenant that is currently being redesigned. One rock at a time certainly makes for a more solid mountain when standing at the top and looking down on to what once was. My ability will be to clearly state and live by the sayings.....Passed is past....tomorrow is today! Now is really all we have to depend on.

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