When I woke up this morning, I was all alone, stretched out in bed and wishing I was on a holiday, one thousand miles from home by some clear cool inviting pool. The sun's bright rays surrounding me like an invisible electric blanket. My half asleep mind vision had taken hold and totally enraptured me hugging every corner of my mind. I just did not want to have a cognisant view of another day filled with the monotonous repetitive hour by hour blows of my current daily life. The temporary suspension bridge of forward movement toward change is about to snap free and hopefully swing to the other side. If all goes well there will be new land underneath my feet soon with which to carve out a new trail of life experiences.
What I seem to find the hardest to understand at this point of time, is the fact that my timing of hopeful events seems to have been altered greatly since the half century mark of my years. It seems that most of my previous life experiences now dictate what pace any future decisions will be measured by. It is not that the previous life choices were a cause of regret, it's just that the experiences stand in the way of leaping into anything not cognitively thought through in a rational manner. At times I wish that my youth could make an appearance and short circuit my current realities so that I could once again feel the free spirited person that I once was. I know that the actual happening of such a mind trip will not be appearing any time soon. I believe that it will take a lot of digging underneath the layers of good and bad experiences to produce the little wonders of chance and circumstance.
Surrounded within the confines of my living space, which in itself is a new environment, I hear the reverberation of my mind ping off in true surround sound. The bouncing ping-pong effect is truly maddening and still I look for the door that has the exit sign above it, only it does not seem to be anywhere within my present view. Each night when I climb the stairs up to bed at night I say to myself that tonight something or a sign will appear in my dreams to jump start the engine of my soul and get back on the train to a more meaningful life. I have felt many, many times, that dreams are the karmic pieces of the puzzle of life. Each piece neatly formed to fit within the puzzle to paint the picture that my soul has neatly outlined. When I venture outside the lines the picture becomes a bit distorted yet I try to continue to color my life anew over and over again, with the hope that the one piece of the puzzle that is elusive will suddenly and magically appear and set me free from my own demises.
Imagine if you will, the feeling of being in a hotel/motel in the containment of the room that you have paid the price for. While everything may seem cozy and nice early on, there is still the element of unfamiliarity and a closing in of the walls after being there a few days when you settle in to the routines that you have set for yourself to follow. One day you sit on the edge of the bed, looking around the room trying hard to figure out what to do with the rest of the days left on the vacation.
No matter how hard you try it becomes hard to come up with an idea that is not repeated. The harder you try to bring forth an idea the more it eludes you. Yet in the small hours of indecisiveness you keep staring at the entrance door to your room and keep noticing the sticker that is placed on the back of it. While you may have an idea of what is says, you can't help reading it just the same.
Perhaps the wording is all too familiar and the price of the rates may be different for each room, there is no doubt that the statement that stands out above all others reads: CHECK OUT TIME IS - 1:00 PM
Upon acceptance of that one statement you now know that your exit strategy has a deadline to be met. As the final days of the holiday dwindle down you begin to question the fear of going back to what you left behind for only a short time. Logic tells you to let it end and let your clarity define you. For in the end the twists and turns of fate will always remain within. Those twists and turns will be the guides that will end up taking us once again to our next spatial room. There we will, reevaluate and find another door, with the same damn sticker on the back reminding us that CHECK OUT TIME is near.
By my experience , I realize that opening the door and stepping through it is the hardest part, now I just have to remind myself to close it and don't look back, and always face forward!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
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