You would think that at this age that your past experiences would be less painful to think about. Let me assure that while they can be hidden deep in some crevice of your mind they reappear at what always seems to be the wrong moment that you don't want to remember them. It is now my experience that when you begin to write them down the pain attached to them fades and they no longer are memories to painful to think about. The present reality has put them into a context that you can accept the growth that it made you have to do and at that time was very hard to accept and actually go through. We all tend to run away when things get shaky and insecure, and believe me I was truly a marathon runner when it came to having to make a permanent decision. That black door was not ever safe to walk through.........or so it seemed. I have since realized that the most rewarding of possibilities came from the black doors and the darkness that presented itself was really the dawn of light that I needed to make that leap. I would guess it is "The leap of faith" you have heard mentioned once or twice in your lifetime. You may have given it a shrug or a nod but that safety net seemed too invisible. If you have felt that before and did not take a risk, that was your sign that you may have not been ready to do it or you, at the time, lacked the courage and wanted to play it safe. Nothing is ever learned by not taking risks. With each stoke of this keyboard I know the risk I am taking even sharing my life's moments, but I can tell you , I have gained so much in removing the hidden chapters of my life story. We all have our story and need to reread it as there is sooooo much that we missed.
I know that I was complex and most assuredly hard to tame but the natural instinct to be me presented itself , first and foremost, and I just reacted to what felt right to me. Everyone must trust their gut feelings as they are never wrong. We sometimes choose to think we know better than our heart and mind and our situations and personal surroundings play a strong part in making the itinerary that we follow.
It is those moments that we usually wished we had listened to that first bell that rang inside our heads.
After the heady summer and the all the hoopla from the talent show I knew deep inside that I had accomplished something by winning that talent contest yet as quickly as the excitement wore off I began to ask myself the ultimate question " Is That All There Is? " It would be, as I later acknowleded, that it was never the high I was expecting but boy the chase was great. The WOW factor for me was always the work it took to get there. I would soon learn to repeat that action over and over and over again. At the present time I can now say that I have a much better handle on the situations that arise from that subconscious behavior.
If you have a quest you would like to do for yourself , take the plunge and enjoy the water and every stroke you take in reaching the end. Be immersed in the reality that is happening around you, the sights, the smells and the signs that point you in the right direction. I know they are there, just pay attention to the details.
I nievely accepted what I felt and trusted that I would get "there" yet to this day I never really knew where "there" would take me.
When school started back up I knew there was somewhere else I just had to be, and it was not sitting in a school desk doing english assignments. While the teachers made me put my thoughts on hold for 8 hours, I would most certainly have my lunch time to daydream and boy did I do that.
My future had begun to brighten as more details emerged. Deja-Vu became an eveyday occurance and I began to realize the feelings and knew when the events or situations would happen. My Mother would insist on me not telling anyone about my secret and the fear of being found out made me grow silently inward. There were no school library books on the things I was feeling so I would just keep quiet.
Expression was the only way to go and I did it full speed ahead. Much like the throttle of the plane you can gain lift by pushing it forward but at some time it has to be pulled back and that was the hardest part for me. I wanted the momentum of more speed but time would have nothing to do with it. SO I would just have to wait....like the rest of the world.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
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