Today I viewed the morning with alarm. Once again the sun had decided to take another hiatus and spend its time elsewhere instead of shining on me. I felt unstable with the impending clouds that mounted the skies as the day wore on. There seemed to be an impending uncertainty looming off in the distance and blanketed me with an uneasiness that took time to shake off. The aura of insecurity followed me wherever I went and I kept looking back for something and never could focus on what seemed to be creating the mood that spilled around me. The amount of answers needed for all the impending questions filled my head and oozed out onto my reality and it messed with my psyche.
I have become the ultimate middle aged male sliding into the autumn of my years with the same trepidation that was created on my first day of school. So many questions yet to have discovered answers.
I was certain that these next years were supposed to be easy and less complicated. I have made it my goal to make that attitude ring true, but this transition is killer and I have too many reservations and destinations to figure out. I am truly standing at my crossroads...left or right....day or night....wrong or right. My sweet enemy called time patiently waits and my heart searches to know which gate I will walk through next.
My present life career is winding down and a new one beckons me on. I have the furtive desire to risk everything and the secret desire to roll the dice and bet it all at once. My snake eyes are glaring at me from afar and producing the stare-dare of the future. I keep looking into those eyes for the sign that will illuminate the next door that I will walk through and be given the invisible guide that keeps the road clear and free from unknowing debris that may fall.
There lives from within me the knowing power of chance and what exhilarating things arise from grasping it and yet I feel the impatient factor of not having control. It is like waiting for that long awaited gift at Christmas. You wake up that one morning and there lies what your heart desired. In that split second of achievement you have the elated feeling of a joy that is very reclusive and diffident. As it covers you it makes the impact that keeps on giving through the memory banks when called upon to help you smile.
I look forward to a meeting with joy very soon, and I hope that coming out of it's dormancy will be the spark that will ignite the candle that will light my path toward autumn happiness and contentment. My soul depends on it and I can't let it down.
In the age of miracles I know this day will end and a new one will dawn. If my discontented alarm should go off again as the morning light appears I will hit the snooze button, turn over and in my new dream, create a new more positive mind sight. The sun may be in hiding again, if that is the case I will fly above the grey clouds and view the sun blazing the horizon that beckons me on.
Monday, April 26, 2010
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