Thursday, February 25, 2010


We don't always choose the situations that we get into. Those unchosen moments sometimes just pop up sight unseen no matter how intuitive you may be. It truly is how you deal with them that will make or break the unforeseen situation. "Staying calm and focused" is the suggested route but for me it was usually the "Quietly panic and exit" that seemed to be the most favorable route in the early years before adulthood. We all handle uncomfortable scenarios differently and I would bet that we all wanted to exit as soon as possible, all giving way to a little panic just before our feet started walking. Admitting that is half the battle. If I knew that there was something brewing that would put me in a precarious situation my presence would not have been there. I trusted my mind guidance but there were countless times when the noise was too loud and I did not get the signals.

I have had instances occur suddenly and just as they started to unveil themselves before my eyes I suddenly flashed at how and where it was going and how it would end up, but by that time of realization, there was no stopping it. The rock had been thrown down the mountain and there was no way to stop it until it reached the bottom.
I couldn't have stopped the outcome even if I wanted to and believe me at those moments I wanted to badly. It was always worse when your peers would be present and then you had to also take the pain of embarrassment. That never felt right for me and I could never seem to let it go during those school years.
Thirteen was just around the corner and the warning signs of adolescence began to take their shape. Parents were definitely extraterrestrial and I became even more brazen and unabashedly abrupt. I would walk away leaving them bleeding in their tracks if anyone tried to tell me what to do, afterall I was the "Know It All" and my attitude exuded total denial of anything that was not my way.
I was soon to be left to my own devices as the sibling rivalry was coming to an end as the tour of military duty began to beckon for my brother. This would finally leave me alone with no brotherly restraints and total freedom from his presence. With the parents working and not home often, it left me to design my own kind of world where no one was allowed in and everything was as it should be....all about me.

Or so it would seem....I have often wondered what the outcome of my life would have been if it was not for the self preservation that existed so strongly from day to day. I had mountain views and I felt so directed to doing a lot of things that would not include others, so that it would not take away from my choices. I could control the outcomes pending my own comfort zone. No one taught me the method to being so independent, it was if it had been inbred and I had no control over it. Of course as I sit here and write this, it all seems so misguided but at the time it really was the only way I could feel unobstructed. I was able to enter and exit on my own and preferred no one telling me the way to go. I realize now that it would become a way of life that was being nurtured daily by my actions. It is only now that I am trying to relinquish the need to nurture any further selfish attitudes. A feat that must be worked on daily to not slip back into any repeat performances.

While walking to the edge of any mountain I have climbed I always have the fear of falling but the climb is so worth the risk and the view can be exciting. I know that I took my first steps up my first mountain the day I realized that being where I stood at that time was not enough, I wanted and quietly demanded more. I had set my sights to the ultimate peak and that was where my eyes wandered daily, and time just had to catch up. Time is my worst enemy. To this day it still is only now I have a better handle on patience....(not much) but it now is a race as time is speeding up and now I find myself wanting it to slow down so I can squeeze out more in a day's conscious activities.
As our family home life began to crumble I knew that a huge change was closer than ever. I would often feel the intense desire to just disappear, as I did not want to witness the finale. It would not arrive for a while but I had premonitions of where it was headed, and eventhough we were not informed of a day or time, the aura continued to loom over me. My self preservation cloak kept me hidden anytime I needed it too and would so for many years to come. I would find myself immersed in a vat of hopes and dreams all waiting to happen and never soon enough.
Being a preteen allowed for so much fantasy but I somehow knew that reaching the summits would always be a lifetime goal, that I would have to succumb to. My ideals did not have room for error and I made it my passion to not get sidetracked. There would be no room for love as I saw what it did to people and I wanted no part of it. It would become my mantra and for the most part stayed away which made it easier to move around. Yes, my comfort zones had no area for human commitment. I developed a fear of cupid and decided I would shoot back if an arrow headed in my direction. This attitude led me to dead end roads of unexpected situations and unhappy scenarios. I used these experiences to confirm my original affirmation of total independence. These trails led to tribulations that I would later find out to be fraudulent immature conclusions.

I still daily hike the trails of my mind. I am still in search of the next hill or mountain that needs to be conquered. The situations that I find myself in now are of a different genre and I am inclined to include others, still with reservation, but all in all it is not totally solo. Those long shorelines of my mind have weathered the constant tides going in and out. Now I am able to see the debris that came with the tides. Some debris has been left in the valley at the foot of the mountain while other pieces were carried to the top. All in the name of ego.

So...remember if you start walking a new trail up an unknown mountain watch out for the falling debris along the way. It can slow you down on your way up.

NOW, when I set out for a journey to a new summit peak, I use all the old weighted unnecessary debris and make fires with the pieces. The fires keep me warm with memories and it passes away the time and it also lightens my load going back down the trail towards an unknown road that will lead me to my future life experiences and human connections.

1 comment:

  1. An eloquent thought out composition --- coming directly and humbly from your heart onto paper.

    A man of sense and sensibilities -- willing to traverse the inner workings of your mind and dare to reflect honestly, write about it, face it.. and continue to blaze new and interesting trails where ever they may lead..forged from the inner discovery that we may not be in control after all.