Thursday, January 21, 2010


Isn't it funny how much work goes into getting away for a vacation and how much work there is to do when you return? Why is it you have to create a morbid anxiety of preparing for a trip that is badly needed for mind and soul healing. I have always had a problem with the anxiety of giving myself the well deserved time off. I have wondered on many occasions as to how all that came to be for me, and at what time and place did all the trepidations start to sneak their way into my mind. When referencing my past to come up with some kind of logical reasoning for this very real problem I can see the beginning of the fears. Having had several childhood family vacations for two weeks at a time I remember when arriving back from a trip how everything seemed to have changed during the time away. The time space away had left me out of some unknown happenings that I felt I should have had prior knowledge about. I always felt so very disjointed and associated the trips to uncertain, unconscious, and unnerving secret events that seemed planned without my consent. It was total illogical thinking due to the inexperienced mind of a young boy yet it seemed to have carried over to the present. While all the signs pointed to needless assumptions, I now, really have to work hard on releasing the desire to conjure up the fears of being away from my daily environment. The awareness of acknowledging these happenings the first time should prevent future repeat performances, yet somehow they get seeded inside the mind and show up just when you think you mastered the art of stressless trip preparation.
It would seem to me that most of it stems from second guessing the decision to leave in the first place, like your not entitled to leave it all behind because your mind is addicted to the chaos and hates the quiet time of nothing to do. I never knew the realm of nice-n-easy I always gravitated toward the chaos. Hell, I don't know why, it just felt right to have a million and one things happening and to never be able to sit still.
I can't even imagine how all of this must have seemed to my parents. Most kids would dire to get a vacation and go somewhere fun, but not me. If it did not have a jukebox and a place to plug in my portable 45 record player, I had absolutely no interest. The visiting of family was the worst. UGH! How boring and mindless. To sit around and drink coffee, cocktails, play cards and smoke their cigarettes was just not on my agenda. They would find out soon from my constant harassing and complaining of wanting to visit the local record store. After all it was all about what I wanted to do and the rest of the world could just wait. The inability to drive myself was however a determining factor in achieving my way, so I would just strike out on my own and and find them myself. It was enough to make a Mother panic when her son disappears and leaves no information as to where he may be. After several hours of getting lost in an unknown town and hunting for the local record store I would somehow manage to find one and loiter there as long as I could before I would make my way back to where we were staying. I never did understand the need for the local police that appeared on a couple of occasions. As I casually strolled up to ask what the problem was, I would be violently reprimanded for not leaving any information as to where I went. I do however recall letting the police know that I had been ignored and that all they wanted to do was drink and smoke and ignore my pleas for help. It left my Mother in a precarious position to explain to the police about the neglect of her A-D-D child. Those evenings were hungry ones, to bed with no supper, (hmm..should the police know?....) NOPE...I didn't care for I held close to me the purchases that made it all worthwhile and all those records lulled me to a blissful night of total solitary confinement and no family around. AAAAAAAHHHHHH!
My inability to bend and go with the flow was a very difficult thing for me to do. The uncertainty of most things leave me uneasy. Time away from anything can be most rewarding if you see it through mature eyes and not from the eyes of youth. I realize now that to return to what you left behind gives you a whole new perspective. To leave things behind for the need of relaxation should yield a whole new personna as it slowly unravels the tightly knitted sleeve of stress.
If we take the time to recieve the gift of holiday then we can appreciate better what we left behind. In my game of life, my itinerary is usually packed full of "WHAT IF'S and the SHOULD I's and of course the IF I's...they all have attachments that I have created in order to complete my step out the front door to wherever. My reality is learning to let go of those hectic days before a trip and the fear of the return trip and the quest to fly high while I am gone.
It's not just the mind that needs the holiday. You need the holiday from the "SELF" that is "YOU" during the weeks of normal home life behavior. Whatever that may include on a day to day schedule.
I realize now that an uncertain flight itinerary can result in unimaginable results. Some of my best findings came from being lost.........and of course, guidance from the local police department.

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