Lately I have been looking deep into the deepest corners of my mind and pulling out the files that have been long overdue to be thrown away. This particular cabinet was completely stocked with old mind written information that pertained to the cases of control that were always fought and constantly lost in the court of personal identity. Inside those rusty file drawers laid the crux of my present demise. The more files I pulled out, the more apparent it was that I have been stuck in the window seat and unable to get access to the aisle for my escape. That particular seat did not have the view that most people hope to see when gaining altitude.
I always liked the emergency exit row as it was my saving grace whenever I was ready to flee the scene of some disjointed scenario that did not go my way. It spilled over into any present activity and I always waited near any exit door to rush quickly out and regain my freedom and my disillusioned security that was really never there.
Things and situations, lately, have come to my attention by having opened that file cabinet. I am now in search of that shredder that will tear apart the paper trail toward the control route. That trail of disrepair can no longer be followed due to it's physical distress and unsteady ground. The first drawer of yellow dogeared files have been destroyed leaving behind a void that is resonating with plenty of uncertainty. It has been a most arduous and very present awareness that has to be focused on daily. The same life things still arrive just testing me to unlock that emergency door and the temptation to flee never leaves my mind. I resist, persist and move on without giving in to my persuasive subconscious mind which is intent on moving me to old habits.
Having the sense to know when to quit is my strength. My future seems hauntingly dismal, yet that fact does not distract me from yearning for the time when I get to rebuild the "better me". I will probably walk away with nothing but many voids to fill yet my respect and dignity will show me the way toward the amazing reality of knowing myself as I never have before. For the first time in my life I am really ready to like who I am. There have been certain things that I had lost in the space of time and now they have been found when going through those lost file. Who I am going to become when the last of those old files are fragmented into indiscernible specks, will still remain to be seen.
There is an underlying excitement that peeks out at me from time to time and makes me more aware that I am following exactly what has been planned. Learning to release the control issues will hopefully allow the natural flow of universal energy to move through me once more. There are times when we all get lost on the trails of life. We walk the paths that we feel we need to go down when making decisions and choices. The theory is to never lose yourself when traveling those roads yet we all lose certain parts. Inside the core person that is ME there are a few things that need to be reborn and renewed. I am now ready to put those missing parts back where they belong and feel the presence of who I once knew.
The endurance of dear friends have helped me throughout this metamorphosis. I once believed it could never get worse than the first time when I experienced pains of uncontrolled and unhappy endings, yet this will rate a ten on the scale of emotional anguish. When you add the second guessing game into the picture and the mountain of ambiguity it does not end with a solid finale. How I plan to take the next step is still being decided upon. I will now rest assured that my future does not have to need a furtive plan, it just needs faith that I will be going to where I need to be and the rest will come along when the timing is right.
I have spoken about the joy stick of control that rests no more within my reach, and I don't intend to ever reach for it again. If my strength can hold out and my resistance remains intact, then I will find the person that once was and the adjustments will add to the happiness I seek just around the corner. Chances are I may have do it alone, but then again the distractions will never be the issue when an emergency exit is needed.
Once the exit door is firmly locked and my eyes are on the target then my wings will fly me to where I need to be and the landing gear will set me down on the runway of my future.
How I secure it ..................well, I will just have to wait and see............